A Thread full of Joke du Jours

[Braders]

joke du jour

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

 

[BrightonBird]

Hmmm.....

I'm bored. Don't know any good jokes apart from the one I tell EVERYONE 'cause it makes me laugh so much!

Q What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend.



































































































A Wiped his arse

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

What do you do after you've just had a baby?
Pull it's nappy back up

 

[Braders]

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

 

[Braders]

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.
"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.
"Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"

 

[BrightonBird]

A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

 

[bhaexpress]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

[Braders]

Quasimodo is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.
Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all"
About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.
"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"

 

[Marc]

Joke Du Jour

What animal would you want to be if you we're cold?










A Little Otter

 

[DTES]

Oh dear. Still got the Christmas Crackers handy have we?

 

[Northstander]

WHEN DOES TIM HENMAN GO TO BED......









TENNISH........



wheres the nearest taxi rank!!!

 

[Soton Seagull]

I'm bored time for a bad joke thread (again!).....

I'll start:

A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. When
he wakes up, he sees the sky has turned purple. He looks around andnotices that the palm trees are purple, as is the sea and the beach,too. Then he looks down at his clothes, hair and skin, and they are all purple. "Oh no," he exclaims. "I think I've been marooned."

 

[Yorkie]

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll have me answering the phone too!"

 

[Northstander]

Joke Du Jour!!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his
tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the
cage was a parrot.

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked the parrot.

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief then asked, "Is your name
Jesus?"

"No. It's Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

 

[Northstander]

"Quality" JOKE DU JOUR II

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I
know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse,
I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he
wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the
midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget
and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed off, but
he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks up
the midget and shoves his head into the back of the horse.

"Perhapth I should rephrase," came a muffled voice, "I'd like to see
her run!"

 

[Pavilionaire]

Maybe your head should be shoved up there with jokes like that!

 

[REDLAND]

what a Joke 10/10

how many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
























Can I ride your bike?

 

[Marc]

 

[Hilton]

 

[Vinyl Richie]

oh I thought this thread said what makes a 10/10 joke?

Like the time I entered the Argus caption competition. I sent in 10 efforts to win but no pun in-ten-did.


..............sorry