A Thread full of Joke du Jours

[Vinyl Richie]

joke thread

this thread probably already exists but I don't really care.

Anyway to the point!


What do you call a group of women in a field of cucumbers?


Squatters!

 

[Adams score 0]

A man goes into a doctors,with see threw pants on.
The doctor says "i can clearly see your nuts"

 

[Sorrel]

You need to improve your spelling.

 

[Adams score 0]

And?

 

[Danny Seagull's Mate]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells??



Pregnant


(old but still good)

 

[spellcheck]

Yup, Duncan H is correct.

It should be 'through'.

 

[Adams score 0]

Will it make it funnier.
No i think not.
But i am soooo sorry.

 

[CHAPPERS]

Re: joke thread

this thread probably already exists but I don't really care.

Anyway to the point!


What do you call a group of women in a field of cucumbers?


Squatters!

Like it!

 

[Vinyl Richie]

Re: Re: joke thread

Like it!

I'll take that with a pinch of salt,

thanks for the condiment





ithankyou

 

[Vinyl Richie]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the
ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help! I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman took it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments, she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 

[Vinyl Richie]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.

There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Paco" says the first bloke (Pedro), "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Paco.

So Paco goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food but as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Paco, "Paco!! Paco!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Paco calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a bacon tree, ees... a.... ham bush!!"

 

[Everest]

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.

 

[Citrus]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the
ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help! I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman took it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain." She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments, she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Brilliant! lol

 

[DTES]

What has two legs and bleeds?







Half a dog

 

[Harold]

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked," What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


"Mop and bucket to register 5."

 

[Vinyl Richie]

(for anyone whos not heard this classic)

Two dwarfs go into a bar, get boozed up, and end up taking two prostitutes back to their separate hotel rooms.

After a couple of minutes of drawf foreplay, the first dwarf is unable to get an erection. He's totally gutted as he hasn't had sex in years! His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, all he can hear is his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?
I couldn't even get on the bed."

 

[Man of Harveys]

that is class!

 

[Vinyl Richie]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it. You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

[On the Left Wing]

Joke of the Day

New Newcastle United midfield:

Shearer Cort Given Bellamy Speed

 

[Robbo]

very good!