A few little jokes.

[The Ringleader]

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.



I easily beat Stevie Wonder at table tennis

Played a f***ing blinder.



Make little things count; teach arithmetic to dwarves.

 

[Return of the Rev]

Joke

KNOCK KNOCK

WHOS THERE

INTERUPTING COW

INTERU MOOOOOO!PTING

:clap2

 

[smudge]

Guy goes to the doctor cos he thinks he can see into the future. Doctor asks him when the symptoms started.

"Next Wednesday".

 

[Husty]

KNOCK KNOCK

WHOS THERE

INTERUPTING COW

INTERU MOOOOOO!PTING

:clap2

Do one you prick

 

[Spun Cuppa]

A teenage mate of mine told me he was dating a retarded dwarf...

I told him it wasn't big and it wasn't clever




I went to the doctors the other day

He said, 'I haven't seen you for ages...'

I said, 'I've been ill...'

 

[biggles]

jordan took harvey to saville row for a tailor made suit , after taking all the required measurements the tailor asked jordan
"what flavour shoulder pads would he like" !!

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

Out of curiosity I entered the word TWAT into my sat nav just to see what would happen.
Put the kettle on mate, im outside.

 

[fire&skill]

Breaking news - a dwarf clairvoyant has escaped from jail this evening. Tomorrow's headline will read 'Small Medium At Large'.

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

Paddy hates his wifes cat so much he drives to the next town to dump it there
He gets home and the cat is there first.
Next day he drives 50 miles away and dumps it there.
He gets home amd the cat is there again.
Next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps the cat.
Six hours later he phones home and says to his wife "Is the cat there?"
"Yes, why?" says the wife.
"Put the little fucker on will ya, I'm lost"

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

Wife treats husband for his birthday by taking him to a lap dancing club.
Doorman says "Ok Jim, hows tricks?"
Wife says "How do you know him?"
"Er I play footie with him", says Jim.
Inside the barman says "Usual Jim?"
"Before you say owt, I play darts with him" says Jim
Next a lap dancer says "Do you want the special Jim?"
The wife drags Jim out and pulls him into a taxi.
"f*** me Jim" says the cabbie, "Youv'e pulled a minger this time!"

 

[Gerbil]

KNOCK KNOCK

WHOS THERE

INTERUPTING COW

INTERU MOOOOOO!PTING

:::clap2

don't get it

 

[Paxton Dazo]

Paddy hates his wifes cat so much he drives to the next town to dump it there
He gets home and the cat is there first.
Next day he drives 50 miles away and dumps it there.
He gets home amd the cat is there again.
Next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps the cat.
Six hours later he phones home and says to his wife "Is the cat there?"
"Yes, why?" says the wife.
"Put the little fucker on will ya, I'm lost"

Wife treats husband for his birthday by taking him to a lap dancing club.
Doorman says "Ok Jim, hows tricks?"
Wife says "How do you know him?"
"Er I play footie with him", says Jim.
Inside the barman says "Usual Jim?"
"Before you say owt, I play darts with him" says Jim
Next a lap dancer says "Do you want the special Jim?"
The wife drags Jim out and pulls him into a taxi.
"f*** me Jim" says the cabbie, "Youv'e pulled a minger this time!"

Hahahahaha! .

 

[sam86]

Whats the difference between Father Christmas and Tiger Woods?

Father Christmas stops after 3 ho's...

 

[Slade's Head Polisher]

A lion wouldnt cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood...

------

Paddy's wife hasn't had an orgasm in their 20 years of marriage, so goes to his doctor for advice, the doctor says,
"Buy a fan to keep yourselves cool during sex and sometihng might happen".
Paddy refuses to buy a fan so instead gets his mate Mick to wave a towel over them during the act, and again they have sex, no orgasm.
Next time they come to doing it, Mick says, "mate can we switch round to see if anything changes?" Paddy agrees and starts waving the towel
After 10minutes, Paddy's wife is screaming loudly having the best orgasm she could ever have, and Paddy's turns to Mick and says, "Now THATS how you wave a f***ing towel."

 

[brightonrock]

What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat.


John walks into a pub and sees a stunning barmaid pulling the pints. He wanders up to the bar. "What can I get you?" she asks.
"I'll have a pint of carling please, and your phone number."
The barmaid smiles. "I get hit on all the time," she says. "You'll have to try harder than that."
"Okay, fair enough," says John. "You see my watch? Its magic. I can ask it a question and it'll tell me something about you I couldn't possibly know. If I get it right, can I have your number?"
"Okay," smiles the barmaid.
John whispers inaudibly to his watch and looks up.
"It says you're not wearing any underwear."
The barmaid is horrified. "Yes I am!" she says indignantly.
"Oh, sorry," says John. "It must be an hour fast."

 

[Spun Cuppa]

A novice nun enters a convent and takes a vow of silence

After ten years of silence, the Mother Superior summons her and says that as she's been there ten years, she could say a few words

The nun says, 'The beds are a bit hard...'

After a further ten years of silence, the Mother Superior again summons the nun and tells her she can say a few words

The nun says, 'The soap is useless...'

Another ten years pass, and the Mother Superior summons the nun again and invites her to say a few words

The nun simply says, 'I've had enough, I'm off!...'

Mother Superior replies, 'Thank God for that! You haven't stopped moaning since you got here!!!...'

 

[Spun Cuppa]

I just had a call from a long-lost mate I hadn't heard from for ages

He's started his own business sculpting religious icons

It's going well and he's even making a prophet

 

[Jahooli]

What really pisses me off is all these do gooders coming round knocking on your door asking for donations for charity.
One woman came round collecting for the sperm bank, I gave her a right gob full I can tell you.

 

[Janbha]

Breaking news - a dwarf clairvoyant has escaped from jail this evening. Tomorrow's headline will read 'Small Medium At Large'.

 

[Hunting 784561]

I had a dream last night that I was cutting up carrotts with the Grim Reaper - but it turned out that I was dicing with death.