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" I was looking for a job and then I found a job, but heaven knows I'm miserable now" , according to quiffed, chutney ferret tax-dodging Manc Morrisey. That's rubbish, I have just been employed as Kylie's official pube trimmer for her next tour and I can't wait to start work.

" All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit ", according to 80's chucklesome scallies Half Man, Half Biscuit. Well the wife actually modelled a nurse's uniform from Ann Summers on Christmas Eve night, and to be frank, it made my Yuletide far better than any East European crappy footie...

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for" according to Bono. The pint sized Irish world problem solver has CLEARLY never looked down the side of the sofa, as it never fails me. Found two socks, a calculator and a DVD copy of 'Anal Academy' there last night, well chuffed I was :)

"Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me " according to smug Oxbridge footlights graduates Monty Python. If it was Michelle McManus sitting on your face CLEESE, then I doubt you would live to tell the tale, so be cautionary before you invite such behaviour.

" The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind " My daughter asked me last night did I know the capital of Peru. I told her I did not, but to pop into the garden as there was a knowledgeable force 4 south westerly breeze according to Michael Fish. Did it tell my daughter the answer was Lima...

" I can't stand up for falling down " sang Elvis Costello. Bollocks, I have watched hundreds of people this morning on the bus stand up and NONE of them fell down. This song is plainly a pile of elephant wank, UNLESS you are Professor Stephen Hawking I guess.

" Love is in the air " according to John Paul Young. Not if you wear a condom it isn't.

"it's 1969 Okay". Oi Jagger NO, it is 2005

"De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da, is all I want to say to you" sings tantric sex obsessed bunny hugger Geordie Sting. Clearly incorrect as "f*** off Sting" would be my first words to him.

"Everyone's doing the locomotion" according to Kylie Minogue. I can confidently state that I have never had sexual intercourse with a train, so she is clearly untrue

"God save the Queen, she ain't no human being" snarled Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols in 1977. This is not true, the queen may have a face that resembles a baboon's haemmorhoids, mainly due to inbreeding amongst European royalty for the last 300 years or so, but her DNA is still 100% homo...

" You can't hurry love" warbled 80's slaphead drummer cum MOR singer Phil Collins. Well I can as I suffer from Premature Ejaculation, so there/