Search results

Everyone knows that oysters can't hear, therefore no noise annoys an oyster. next.

Dr Hook, the delightful 70's bearded fools remind us that "When you're in love with a beautiful woman, it's hard." Not when you're impotent it isn't.

Arman Van Helden claims "You don't even know me". No mate. I met you once at Fabric and you're a bit of a bell-end to be honest.

Whitney Houston, the coke fuelled warbler, realiably informed me that she'd always love me. She soon changed her mind when I shat in her bed.

Olive told us, "you're not alone". Try telling that to my goldfish, I left him at home today.

Ringo Starr reliably informs me that him and the rest of the Beatles all live in a yellow submarine. I'm guessing if he wasn't bullshitting me, that by now it would've started to smell a bit.

Those foolish little small faces scamps. In all likelihood none of them are or ever were little tin soldiers and if they were, it surely isn't a sensible course of action to be jumping into anyones fire. Tin melts at 231.93. The surface temperature of a coal fire is upwards of 300. Bad...

Step up Mr Billy Swan. and I quote "If you've got a problem, don't care what it is If you need a hand, I can assure you this, I can help" Well I never did meet my grandad...

Seeing as Venus is approximately 25 million miles from earth, I'm assuming, they're still on their way. Chances are they'll die before they get there.

Physicists and fans of time-travelling might want to investigate monotoned lardarse Karen Carpenter. Unless she was the pioneer of time travel I don't think there's much of a chance of it being yesterday once more. Upon reflection perhaps under-nourishment was a symptom of excessive travel...

I'm surprised that 60's artists the Hollies are still with us. They told an entire generation that 'All you need is the air that you breathe and to love someone' Now I'm no scientist but Basal Metablolic Rate (BMR) denotes C6H12O6 + 6O2 =6CO2 + 6H2O. Missed out Glucose there didn't you, ya...

Lisa Stansfield got it wrong. She's been around the world and can't find her baby. Circumnavigating the globe possibly isn't the best method to be used for finding a lost child. I'd estimate that a child moves at roughly a speed of 0.4mph unaided. If powered by an alternative means of...

Cyndi Lauper should also be reprimanded. I remember time after time getting so drunk that I've ended up in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where the hell i was. I was lost, I did look but could I find her? Could I f***, the ginger bitch.

Rick Astley. Much admired in the Barnet Seagull househould claimed he was 'Never gonna let me down' or 'desert me' ...and then promptly f***ed off. wanker.

Aha. I was watching the news the other day and lo and behold what did I see? Night time. You see at night time, it gets DARK. Why? While the sun stays in one place all the time, the earth is always turning, so the part of it that we're on moves away from the sun until the light isn't...

Now I know all about nature, I did geography at school. I know about rain, snow, sleet, sun, everything. I think therefore from my substantial knowledge base that there is absolutely no chance of wind of any sort, crying and in particular crying the name Mary. Sorry Jimmi ya drugged up...