[News] New office speek bowlocks

[Lyndhurst 14]

Probably used buy someone that has never lifted a tool in their working life.

I used to work on sites and everyone spoke plain English, and swore a lot of course.

There were certainly a lot of tools sitting round the table!

 

[wellquickwoody]

Without reading through the whole thread, has anyone mentioned ‘social media influencer’ aaaaaahhhh just aaaahhhhh

Known in the normal world as a cxxt!

 

[Tokyohands]

Thank god I don't have to listen to people spout crap like that all day. We have our own industry slang for some things but it's mainly because we are trading such huge amounts of money all day we just like to keep things as simple as possible, rather than trying to sound like smart arses! Also, there can be a lot of pressure so the slang can help lighten the mood.

 

[blue'n'white]

I have been invited to a “webinar” where I have asked to “ clear my mind of all preconceptions and provide zen thinking and high level patterns to measure digital workflows on a multi tenanted platform...”

I despair

Or, in plain English, "forget that this is all complete bollocks, has been tried and failed before - we're going to give it another go under a new name. It will, and has to, work as someone somewhere has been paid a lot of money for coming up with this pointless scheme"

 

[blue'n'white]

Having worked in 'projects' over the years I was warned, sorry, 'advised' Prince was the thing and I might consider a course to get 'on board' with certain groups.

Despite virtual unemployment and abject poverty, I remain sane, as I ever was, and haven't killed anyone in the workplace.

Forgive me but WTF is "PRINCE" apart from being a short (now deceased) musician from Minneapolis who liked purple ?

 

[Publius Ovidius]

It’s a project management tool that pulls together all the disciplines of PM bollox

Forgive me but WTF is "PRINCE" apart from being a short (now deceased) musician from Minneapolis who liked purple ?

 

[dazzer6666]

Having worked in 'projects' over the years I was warned, sorry, 'advised' Prince was the thing and I might consider a course to get 'on board' with certain groups.

Despite virtual unemployment and abject poverty, I remain sane, as I ever was, and haven't killed anyone in the workplace.

What about your Six Sigma Black Belt ? Apparently it's IMPOSSIBLE to successfully manage a project without one of those.......................

As for those asking about Prince - read this. Tells you all you need to know given the Govt's record on project delivery

PRINCE2 Definition
PRINCE2 (an acronym for PRojects IN Controlled Environments) is a de facto process-based method for effective project management. Used extensively by the UK Government, PRINCE2 is also widely recognised and used in the private sector, both in the UK and internationally. The PRINCE2 method is in the public domain, and offers non-proprietorial best practice guidance on project management.

Key features of PRINCE2:

Focus on business justification
Defined organisation structure for the project management team
Product-based planning approach
Emphasis on dividing the project into manageable and controllable stages
Flexibility that can be applied at a level appropriate to the project.

 

[Publius Ovidius]

Product based approach!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

What about your Six Sigma Black Belt ? Apparently it's IMPOSSIBLE to successfully manage a project without one of those.......................

As for those asking about Prince - read this. Tells you all you need to know given the Govt's record on project delivery

PRINCE2 Definition
PRINCE2 (an acronym for PRojects IN Controlled Environments) is a de facto process-based method for effective project management. Used extensively by the UK Government, PRINCE2 is also widely recognised and used in the private sector, both in the UK and internationally. The PRINCE2 method is in the public domain, and offers non-proprietorial best practice guidance on project management.

Key features of PRINCE2:

Focus on business justification
Defined organisation structure for the project management team
Product-based planning approach
Emphasis on dividing the project into manageable and controllable stages
Flexibility that can be applied at a level appropriate to the project.

 

[Springal]

What is with people posting on LinkedIn what their 'starter' pack is on their first day?

Who gives a shit if you are given a branded pad and pen (surely the minimum for most desk jobs anyway....) a re-usable water bottle and a chocolate bar

 

[Nobby]

So has anyone else tried to create their own buzzword?

Me and a workmate came up with “Horizon Hunting” and started using it in conversations with each other.

A few weeks later, some numpty at a meeting actually used it

My career was complete from that moment on

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Inexplicably, my post was displayed before the one I was replying to (I expected it to appear directly underneath so didn't use the quote, which I subsequently added).
It's the second oddity I've mentioned in the last couple of days so possibly a minor concern for Bozza?

That's called 'frontloading'.

 

[Publius Ovidius]

One of the first experience I had of constant buzzwords was when I started this job in London.

A director who was introducing us to data centres in the UK said .”..we have quite a few f4ck off huge buildings...”. I was shocked as I had no idea that a profanity was used in that normal way.

He then introduced us to a new concept ...” Leveraging the Continuum”. Basically managing a business continuity disaster from start to finish. Why they couldn’t just say managing a disaster is beyond me.

 

[BadFish]

It was suggested to us that we called our team leaders "knowledgeable Others".

So I did, at every opportunity possible.

Until i was told to stop taking the piss.

What the flaming flickery was I supposed to do?

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Forgive me but WTF is "PRINCE" apart from being a short (now deceased) musician from Minneapolis who liked purple ?

In theory, it is as described above but in practice, it is a dictionary of words you can attach to a project to impress people. In my experience, very rare that any of the methodology is actually followed. But as long as you have a project sponsor and a project brief then you can Trump/Johnson your way through any problems. Bombard people with nonsense until they get bored, essentially.

For PRINCE, see also ITIL. We had a company proudly tell me they are fully ITIL compliant. Within 10 minutes, they closed a call I had logged on their Servicedesk. I did query why they hadn't marked it as resolved and asked me if it could be closed - as per ITIL procedure. Again, blustertastic.

 

[BadFish]

So has anyone else tried to create their own buzzword?

Me and a workmate came up with “Horizon Hunting” and started using it in conversations with each other.

A few weeks later, some numpty at a meeting actually used it

My career was complete from that moment on

I think we should all try this and report back our findings!!

 

[Dick Swiveller]

Has he given himself that title so that he can tell everybody who's none the wiser he's a proper COE?

Even funnier than that. Three years ago, I was tasked with providing data for a whizzy new project. After the best part of a year, I got it working to exactly the specs required. It has partially worked as intended ever since and the parts that don't are firmly at the door of the third party.

Fast forward to a few months ago, we took on a new area manager who knows someone at the third party. He comes up with this amazing plan that will save the company/planet/universe. Which is word for word the brief I was given 3 years ago. Still, we go with a "hot house" and then have our meeting with the Onboarding Executive - despite having been "onboard" for three years. I guess they don't have a "Stop Them Jumping Overboard Executive".

At least the meeting with the Client Onboarding Executive was short after someone other than me pointed out that what they were showing us was what we have been using for the last 3 years. But still we dance the dance.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

So has anyone else tried to create their own buzzword?

Me and a workmate came up with “Horizon Hunting” and started using it in conversations with each other.

A few weeks later, some numpty at a meeting actually used it

My career was complete from that moment on

I couldn't help myself the other day and instead of using the word change as I would every other time, I went with Delta. It worked as people then started muttering about Deltas as if it was a word they used every 10 seconds. Trend setter, me.

 

[zefarelly]

That's called 'frontloading'.

like my new fangled automatic washing machine.

 

[zefarelly]

What about your Six Sigma Black Belt ? Apparently it's IMPOSSIBLE to successfully manage a project without one of those.......................

.

I cam across that recently, grteen belt or black belt . . . now I realise why I've not been succeeding in life.

 

[giveusfalmerplease]

It all started 40 years ago when councils started calling Dustmen "Refuse Disposal Workers"