Seagulls Have Lost All Hyppia
- Thread starter SkipFC
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Goldstone Rapper
Rediffusion PlayerofYear
Sami Hyypia, at 6ft 4in, is a big man but as Fulham came from behind to claim all three points at the Amex, he looked like the smallest man in Falmer.
Nice to start with a contrast but the rather laboured 'big man' / 'smallest man' comparison needs more of a poetic flourish.
As the Seagulls searched in vain for a late equaliser, it was left to first-team coach Nathan Jones to roar instructions and gesticulate wildly, Hyypia slumped in his seat, seemingly resigned to the fate of the game.
Like a lot of your sentences, this can be easily broken up into two sentences. It will make your article sharper.
That's just for starters.
Nice to start with a contrast but the rather laboured 'big man' / 'smallest man' comparison needs more of a poetic flourish.
As the Seagulls searched in vain for a late equaliser, it was left to first-team coach Nathan Jones to roar instructions and gesticulate wildly, Hyypia slumped in his seat, seemingly resigned to the fate of the game.
Like a lot of your sentences, this can be easily broken up into two sentences. It will make your article sharper.
That's just for starters.
Vegas Seagull
New member
- Jul 10, 2009
- 7,782
The penultimate paragraph is one of the most confused and poorly worded I have ever read
Mellor 3 Ward 4
Well-known member
A good read, and certainly sums up how I feel.
The question is when he goes, will the recruitment policy remain the same?
Cheshire Cat
The most curious thing..
It's called PUNCTUATION. A comma helps, as does a properly constructed sentence.
Does anyone teach grammar any more? What's a gerund? Or the ablative?
Does anyone teach grammar any more? What's a gerund? Or the ablative?
Good article.
Picked out "And finally, us fans don't get to see him in training,".
I was speaking to one of the groundsmen last night, he reckons Sami is passionate in training.
SIMMO SAYS
Well-known member
you are on a wind up shirley
Goldstone Rapper
Rediffusion PlayerofYear
Certainly is confusing.
Brighton have continued to improve each season since moving to the Amex and it’s hard to gauge the effect a bad season will have for a club like Brighton, as Adrian Colunga picked up a second booking in as many minutes late in the game, it’sdifficult to see Brighton improving anytime soon.
- Brighton aren't improving this season, so it's not true of this season.
- We went from 4th to 6th last season, so that wasn't an improvement either.
- The part 'it’s hard to gauge the effect a bad season will have for a club like Brighton' doesn't say anything much at all. What is 'a club like Brighton' anyway?
- The part of the sentence about Colunga needs to be in a new sentence.
- 'it’sdifficult' is just a small typo. No big deal.
An opinion that seems to be shared with a retired Finnish footballer.
- Although it's nice that you've brought it back to start, the article ends on bit of a whimper with this sentence.
- 'This is...' needs to be at the start.
- 'Shared by' rather than 'shared with', unless you are personally sharing this opinion with Sami.
- It probably needs some evidence to back the statement you are making, e.g. 'Judging by his post-match comments, this is an opinion that seems to...'
- Thread starter
- #50
I'm not going to get bothered by insults of anonymous entities but those who have given me constructive criticism, thank you.
I think I've changed the post three times since I put it here and it wasn't any of the insults that made me do that, it was the people who wanted to help me and encourage.
Also, spelling Hyypia wrong was shocking, that's basically just me not double-checking. If there's any positive personally, this is on course to be my most read blog post ever
I think I've changed the post three times since I put it here and it wasn't any of the insults that made me do that, it was the people who wanted to help me and encourage.
Also, spelling Hyypia wrong was shocking, that's basically just me not double-checking. If there's any positive personally, this is on course to be my most read blog post ever
Goldstone Rapper
Rediffusion PlayerofYear
I think the posters have been quite gentle really. They have also made many constructive comments for the OP to take on board.
Goldstone Rapper
Rediffusion PlayerofYear
I'm not going to get bothered by insults of anonymous entities but those who have given me constructive criticism, thank you.
I think I've changed the post three times since I put it here and it wasn't any of the insults that made me do that, it was the people who wanted to help me and encourage.
Also, spelling Hyypia wrong was shocking, that's basically just me not double-checking. If there's any positive personally, this is on course to be my most read blog post ever
Well done for being able to take people's comments on board. I think most people here mean well so I'm pleased you haven't taken things the wrong way. You'll go far judging by the extent to which you are prepared to reflect and revise your article.
SIMMO SAYS
Well-known member
I'm not going to get bothered by insults of anonymous entities but those who have given me constructive criticism, thank you.
I think I've changed the post three times since I put it here and it wasn't any of the insults that made me do that, it was the people who wanted to help me and encourage.
Also, spelling Hyypia wrong was shocking, that's basically just me not double-checking. If there's any positive personally, this is on course to be my most read blog post ever
Yeah for all the wrong reasons
Billy the Fish
Technocrat
I'm not going to get bothered by insults of anonymous entities but those who have given me constructive criticism, thank you.
I think I've changed the post three times since I put it here and it wasn't any of the insults that made me do that, it was the people who wanted to help me and encourage.
Also, spelling Hyypia wrong was shocking, that's basically just me not double-checking. If there's any positive personally, this is on course to be my most read blog post ever
Well done petal, don't you listen to those nasty bigger boys and their silly words!
Of course it's your most read blog post, this is a busy forum. There's one or two prominent members who get hundreds of views every week by linking to their own illiterate drivel, just like you have!
Jam The Man
Well-known member
I might start posting my blogs here too if its going to generate some views!
They're nothing to do with football though, so I might steer clear, knowing that NSC is precious about its music tastes...
They're nothing to do with football though, so I might steer clear, knowing that NSC is precious about its music tastes...
Super Steve Earle
Well-known member
They say a picture says a thousand words and this one sums up Hyppia quite nicely at the moment
I actually feel sorry for him, seeing that picture.
GT49er
Well-known member
Yes, fair enough, THAT is journalism. Sets an example the OP should try to emulate.
Mackenzie
Old Brightonian
Good luck with your endeavours, and keep at it.I'm not going to get bothered by insults of anonymous entities but those who have given me constructive criticism, thank you.
I think I've changed the post three times since I put it here and it wasn't any of the insults that made me do that, it was the people who wanted to help me and encourage.
Also, spelling Hyypia wrong was shocking, that's basically just me not double-checking. If there's any positive personally, this is on course to be my most read blog post ever
Dan Aitch
New member
- May 31, 2013
- 2,287
From my perspective it's not the sort of article that would encourage me to read a second one of your blog posts so for me you've shot yourself in the foot somewhat. That said I can see that you've already had a lot of negativity about what you wrote and it's an unfortunate outcome that you've decided to listen to what has been said and have edited your article, or you've had grammatical errors pointed out to you and have corrected those. Key to your future blogs is to make all the corrections, and take the advice of others before you post it. We're not supposed to be a teacher who will grade your performance - we're the public who expect it to be the finished article, whether you've announced it as your first effort or not. If people disagree with your opinions that's fine. Stick to those and don't pander to the negativity. If it's what you think then say it, but be prepared to be shouted at if it's controversial.
It's an unfortunate world where people like me will absolutely refuse to purchase an absolute bargain from eBay if there are spelling mistakes in the ad. With journalism, your ability to express in writing what others are thinking, to engage, or to come up with innovative and novel theories will be what sets you above others. The trouble is that if you make a spelling error your credibility will be shot, even if you've got the absolute best theory for how the Albion get to the play-offs. You need to be accurate, clear, properly structured and fully confident about all of your spelling and punctuation... and even if you already think you are, check, double-check and ask others for advice. If it's true that the education system concentrates more on 'what you were trying to say' than how good you are at grammar then you've got a steep learning curve ahead of you. People like me will continue to tell you that it matters (the 'it' in question being your standard of written English).
Your current credibility has been enough to get you into the Press Box, and I'm sure you're hoping that one day it'll get you into sports journalism employment but in my opinion, you need to avoid the tacky puns and attempts at humour until you're a bit more-practiced in the expertise of writing in a thoughtful and insightful manner. You clearly have a style that you prefer but at the moment I'm not sure what it is. Remember that a good sports article isn't a joke - it doesn't need a punchline.
If you'd come on here and posted your first sports photography efforts from the Amex sidelines, you'd get two very distinct and separate responses - the first would be from those who know one end of a camera from the other, who would take the time and effort to give you constructive critique on what you had shot and how you had presented it; the second would be from those who know don't even know what a camera's 'aperture' is and who would tell you that your photos looked fine to them, even if they were poorly composed, out of focus, had a massive depth of field and the ball was missing from the frame (when it was integral to the shot).
With writing, you're onto a loser. We all 'know' how to write, we're all used to reading, and we all have an opinion on what is good and what is bad. As a result, writing is not something that 'the general public' will give you any time or latitude with - you either do it well (which is to be expected, clearly) or you're an ignorant tit who shouldn't have the nerve to impose his idiotic ramblings upon us.
Don't be put off by everybody, but don't be encouraged simply by the number of hits you've got. This may be your first step on the road to Sunday Supplement and if it is then we'll be proud you first turned your attention to the Albion. Then again, you could easily be the next Andy Naylor and these few pages may be the kindest words you ever receive...
Yeah - edited. I did my best.
It's an unfortunate world where people like me will absolutely refuse to purchase an absolute bargain from eBay if there are spelling mistakes in the ad. With journalism, your ability to express in writing what others are thinking, to engage, or to come up with innovative and novel theories will be what sets you above others. The trouble is that if you make a spelling error your credibility will be shot, even if you've got the absolute best theory for how the Albion get to the play-offs. You need to be accurate, clear, properly structured and fully confident about all of your spelling and punctuation... and even if you already think you are, check, double-check and ask others for advice. If it's true that the education system concentrates more on 'what you were trying to say' than how good you are at grammar then you've got a steep learning curve ahead of you. People like me will continue to tell you that it matters (the 'it' in question being your standard of written English).
Your current credibility has been enough to get you into the Press Box, and I'm sure you're hoping that one day it'll get you into sports journalism employment but in my opinion, you need to avoid the tacky puns and attempts at humour until you're a bit more-practiced in the expertise of writing in a thoughtful and insightful manner. You clearly have a style that you prefer but at the moment I'm not sure what it is. Remember that a good sports article isn't a joke - it doesn't need a punchline.
If you'd come on here and posted your first sports photography efforts from the Amex sidelines, you'd get two very distinct and separate responses - the first would be from those who know one end of a camera from the other, who would take the time and effort to give you constructive critique on what you had shot and how you had presented it; the second would be from those who know don't even know what a camera's 'aperture' is and who would tell you that your photos looked fine to them, even if they were poorly composed, out of focus, had a massive depth of field and the ball was missing from the frame (when it was integral to the shot).
With writing, you're onto a loser. We all 'know' how to write, we're all used to reading, and we all have an opinion on what is good and what is bad. As a result, writing is not something that 'the general public' will give you any time or latitude with - you either do it well (which is to be expected, clearly) or you're an ignorant tit who shouldn't have the nerve to impose his idiotic ramblings upon us.
Don't be put off by everybody, but don't be encouraged simply by the number of hits you've got. This may be your first step on the road to Sunday Supplement and if it is then we'll be proud you first turned your attention to the Albion. Then again, you could easily be the next Andy Naylor and these few pages may be the kindest words you ever receive...
Yeah - edited. I did my best.
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