My wife has been missing for a week. Police called me and said to prepare for the worst

[WATFORD zero]

It was a year ago tomorrow that I lost my wife

Royal Flush over a full house, couldn't believe it

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

Got pulled by the OB the other day.
Officer walked up to my car and tapped on the window.
I wound the window down and the officer spoke: "So what's your excuse for driving so fast?"
Me: "My wife left me for a traffic cop 6 weeks ago, I saw you in my mirror and thought you were bringing her back".

 

[User removed 4]

I tried some of that autoerotic strangulation sex with my wife, NEVER AGAIN, she's been lying face down on the bed giving me the silent treatment for 3 days now.......

 

[AmexRuislip]

** I see your face, when I am dreaming.
That's why I always, wake up screaming.

** Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you're not.

** Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

** I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

** Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

** I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

** I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

** My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

** My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

** What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

 

[jabba]

My wife has gone to Indonesia.
Jakarta?

 

[sten]

Mate said to me 'what would you do if a bird shat on your car', I said 'I wouldn't go out with her again'

 

[red star portslade]

My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked.

She replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a
glass....."

 

[surrey jim]

I pointed the gun at my wife and asked "any last words?",

Three hours later I shot her

 

[Baldseagull]

The night before our anniversary my wife and I decided that whoever woke up first should wake the other up with oral sex. I was up first so I stuck my cock in her mouth.

I asked my wife if she wanted to role play a rape, she said "NO", I said "Good girl, that's the spirit"

 

[Godstar]

Spent an hour earlier at the wife's grave.

Bless her, she thinks i'm digging a pond!

 

[worthingseagull]

my wife lost her credit card a few weeks ago, I havent reported it, the thief is spending less than her

 

[Iamapen15]

Policeman knocked at my door the other day.

Policeman: Are you Mr Iamapen15?
Me: Yes
Policeman: I'm afraid your wife looks like she's been in a car crash.
Me: Yeah, but she's got a great personality.

 

[Spun Cuppa]

Nothing like some misogyny to brighten up a dank Monday

I've been meaning to speak to the g/f for a couple of days, but don't like to interupt...

 

[Norman Potting]

How does he smell?

It's a she, and she can't because she has no nose.

Boom tish - and they say comedy is dead.

 

[Garage_Doors]

Told my wife when she married me I would show her the world.
I bought here an Atlas as a wedding present.

 

[Spun Cuppa]

I nudged the missus in bed last night, and said how about it?

She said leave it out, you know I'm seeing the gyeanacologist in the morning, and want to stay fresh

I rolled over a bit deflated, then nudged her again, and said, 'You haven't got the dentist as well, have you?...'