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Joke du jour



Huple

Unregistered
May 28, 2008
798
Standish Sanatarium
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
having a bit of hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the git clinging to the
rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his
fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique oak chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this
point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the Satellite dish. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way, but failed
and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologises and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the chaps in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm stark bollock naked and hiding
in this oak chest...."
 






Man of Harveys

Well-known member
Jul 9, 2003
18,839
Brighton, UK
2/10
 




dougdeep

New member
May 9, 2004
37,732
SUNNY SEAFORD
It was a fridge when I used to tell it.
 




Questions

Habitual User
Oct 18, 2006
25,435
Worthing
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen leaving the two old men on their own.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to this new restaurant and it was bloody excellant.. I would highly recommend it."

The other man said, 'What's the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

"Tulips" ? Replied the 2nd bloke.

"No not tulips, the pretty ones that come in red and white and pink."

"Is it pansies" tries the 2nd bloke.

" No the one that you buy for your loved one on Valentines day and has the thorns on its stems"

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 


Fungus

Well-known member
NSC Patron
May 21, 2004
7,134
Truro
It was a fridge when I used to tell it.

So, was the guy inside already dead from suffocation, when the fridge was thrown over the balcony?
 


CoachVealie

Active member
Sep 19, 2011
103
This simply could not have happened that way. The wife would have intervened. I wish people would take greater care with their sources.
 






otk

~(.)(.)~
May 15, 2007
1,895
Leg out of the bed
Q: What's better than roses on your piano?

A: Tulips on your organ
 






An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen leaving the two old men on their own.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to this new restaurant and it was bloody excellant.. I would highly recommend it."

The other man said, 'What's the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

"Tulips" ? Replied the 2nd bloke.

"No not tulips, the pretty ones that come in red and white and pink."

"Is it pansies" tries the 2nd bloke.

" No the one that you buy for your loved one on Valentines day and has the thorns on its stems"

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

The version I am familiar with features the Beckhams and London railway stations, the punch line being, "...Victoria, what hotel are we staying at"?
 


Seagull on the wing

New member
Sep 22, 2010
7,458
Hailsham
The phone rings, and the wife answers.


A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,


"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?"




Woman replies:


"Yes, I have, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
 






Box of Frogs

Zamoras Left Boot
Oct 8, 2003
4,751
Right here, right now
The phone rings, and the wife answers.


A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,


"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?"




Woman replies:


"Yes, I have, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

I did laugh out loud at that one!
 




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