Spunk Bubble
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- Feb 21, 2007
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Favourite Derek & Clive sketch or line ?
- Thread starter Jimbo26
- Start date
Caveman
Well-known member
- Jul 14, 2003
- 9,926
Norman Baker suck my lozenge
New member
Nurse.
Pavilionaire
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 30,781
Squatter and the Ant, for me.
Caveman
Well-known member
- Jul 14, 2003
- 9,926
For those that don't know it, and can't be arsed to fathom out all the single liners in the thread so far.....
As I was walking down the street one day
I saw a house on fire
There was man, shouting and screaming at an upper-storey window
To the crowd that was gathered there below
For he was sore afraid
Jump! You fucker, jump!
Jump into this here blanket what we are holding
And you will be all right
He jumped, hit the deck, broke his f***ing neck -
There was no blanket
Laugh?! We nearly shat!
We had not laughed so much since Grandma died
Or Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle
We are miserable sinners
Fi-i-ilthy fuckers
Ahhhrrrr-soles
Here you go................. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE9Lih3F7Wc
Caveman
Well-known member
- Jul 14, 2003
- 9,926
Caveman
Well-known member
- Jul 14, 2003
- 9,926
Longest trail of snot in the world...ever !!
Here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A8lm3CHe4k&NR=1
SussexSpur
New member
Provocative fucker.
;she was on this show called blow your tits up, where celebrities such as Antoney Newley and Bruce Forsthye attach explosives to womens tits and the tits that go highest in the air win a prize;
classic Derek and Clive some of the funniest stuff i've ever heard
classic Derek and Clive some of the funniest stuff i've ever heard
pasty
A different kind of pasty
DO NOT OPEN IF EASILY OFFENDED
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApJqEw_R1Js
Dudley Moore is just pissing himself laughing this clip
The Large One
Who's Next?
Mr Burns
New member
So many classic moments, but my alsolute favourite as got to be this part of "The Horn"
CLIVE:
You know like it says in the Bible .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... that, er, that Jesus, on the whole, .....
DEREK:
On the-?
CLIVE:
..... was, you know, fairly nice.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Do you think that's true?
DEREK:
No, I think he was probably a cun.t
CLIVE:
Yeah, I thought that, 'cause, you know, I've-, I've read the Bible, and he comes across so well, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, he comes across a bit too goody-goody, doesn't he? I mean, he must have had his faults.
CLIVE:
I reckon-, I reckon .....
DEREK:
He probably got the horn a lot.
CLIVE:
Well, if he didn't get the horn, then he wasn't human, was he?
DEREK:
No, right.
CLIVE:
And they say he was half human and half God .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... but which half was human? I bet it was the bottom half.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
The God bit was on the top and, er, the human bit had the horn.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I bet the God bit stopped at his navel .....
DEREK:
Mmm, mmm.
CLIVE:
..... and he had the human horn bit underneath.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So he could be wandering around feeling all nice and saying, "I'm God", up here, you see, but down below-, I suppose his hand would be below, wouldn't it?
DEREK:
Depends. He cou-
CLIVE:
His arm would start off as God and then become man as it reached about the wrist.
DEREK:
Probably, yeah, the wrist.
CLIVE:
So he could be wanking himself silly, all the time his brain was saying he's being, er, good and holy, you know.
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
What a load of f***ing cobblers that is, isn't it? But there was one bit of the Bible I, erm, think was cut out.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Er, it was just after the Devil had been tempting him .....
DEREK:
Oh-h, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, the bit that was cut out said, er, "And Jesus suddenly-", no, it said, "And lo! .....
DEREK:
"The Devil had the horn."
CLIVE:
No, no it said, "And lo! Jesus suddenly got the horn and wandered out of the Garden of Gethsemane and f***ed himself stupid for twenty-eight years." And that bit got left out 'cause, erm, I think it was Matthew thought it would be a bad idea, bad for the image.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
When of course, in my book, it makes him more understandable.
DEREK:
Oh yeah, makes him more human. Oh, well that's wrong, isn't it? Yeah.
CLIVE:
No, makes the bottom half human, that's normal.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
And the top half God.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
They say his right hand didn't know what his left hand was doing.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, I know what his left hand was doing, the same as his right hand.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
f***ing encouraging the horn.
DEREK:
Scratching, mate.
CLIVE:
But they don't-, they cut bits out of the Bible, like it never says Jesus got athlete's foot .....
DEREK:
Well, they never gave-
CLIVE:
..... from wandering around in the desert.
DEREK:
Does it ever sa-, does it ever say .....
CLIVE:
Does it mention it? Does it say, "And lo! Jesus was stricken with athlete's foot"? Is that in? No, it's f***ing out, .....
DEREK:
And .....
CLIVE:
..... 'cause it doesn't fit in, does it? .....
DEREK:
..... did it ever say .....
CLIVE:
..... With a picture of this holy cu.nt wandering round telling people to be good.
DEREK:
Did it ever say, "And lo! Jesus had a wee-wee"? No.
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
Nowhere.
CLIVE:
Are we to assume that Jesus, throughout his brief life, never had a piss? And if-, if he did have a piss, why wasn't it f***ing reported? Did he have a crap, why wasn't it down? Why didn't Paul say, "And Jesus went into the temple, had a piss, had a crap, wiped his arse with the money-changers," and, er, put in all the stuff which would make him human instead of all this shit about saying, "Take up thy bed and walk," to some cu.nt who's probably perfectly happy begging?
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Makes you f***ing sick.
CLIVE:
You know like it says in the Bible .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... that, er, that Jesus, on the whole, .....
DEREK:
On the-?
CLIVE:
..... was, you know, fairly nice.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Do you think that's true?
DEREK:
No, I think he was probably a cun.t
CLIVE:
Yeah, I thought that, 'cause, you know, I've-, I've read the Bible, and he comes across so well, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, he comes across a bit too goody-goody, doesn't he? I mean, he must have had his faults.
CLIVE:
I reckon-, I reckon .....
DEREK:
He probably got the horn a lot.
CLIVE:
Well, if he didn't get the horn, then he wasn't human, was he?
DEREK:
No, right.
CLIVE:
And they say he was half human and half God .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... but which half was human? I bet it was the bottom half.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
The God bit was on the top and, er, the human bit had the horn.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I bet the God bit stopped at his navel .....
DEREK:
Mmm, mmm.
CLIVE:
..... and he had the human horn bit underneath.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So he could be wandering around feeling all nice and saying, "I'm God", up here, you see, but down below-, I suppose his hand would be below, wouldn't it?
DEREK:
Depends. He cou-
CLIVE:
His arm would start off as God and then become man as it reached about the wrist.
DEREK:
Probably, yeah, the wrist.
CLIVE:
So he could be wanking himself silly, all the time his brain was saying he's being, er, good and holy, you know.
DEREK:
(sniggers)
CLIVE:
What a load of f***ing cobblers that is, isn't it? But there was one bit of the Bible I, erm, think was cut out.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Er, it was just after the Devil had been tempting him .....
DEREK:
Oh-h, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, er, the bit that was cut out said, er, "And Jesus suddenly-", no, it said, "And lo! .....
DEREK:
"The Devil had the horn."
CLIVE:
No, no it said, "And lo! Jesus suddenly got the horn and wandered out of the Garden of Gethsemane and f***ed himself stupid for twenty-eight years." And that bit got left out 'cause, erm, I think it was Matthew thought it would be a bad idea, bad for the image.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
When of course, in my book, it makes him more understandable.
DEREK:
Oh yeah, makes him more human. Oh, well that's wrong, isn't it? Yeah.
CLIVE:
No, makes the bottom half human, that's normal.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
And the top half God.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
They say his right hand didn't know what his left hand was doing.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, I know what his left hand was doing, the same as his right hand.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
f***ing encouraging the horn.
DEREK:
Scratching, mate.
CLIVE:
But they don't-, they cut bits out of the Bible, like it never says Jesus got athlete's foot .....
DEREK:
Well, they never gave-
CLIVE:
..... from wandering around in the desert.
DEREK:
Does it ever sa-, does it ever say .....
CLIVE:
Does it mention it? Does it say, "And lo! Jesus was stricken with athlete's foot"? Is that in? No, it's f***ing out, .....
DEREK:
And .....
CLIVE:
..... 'cause it doesn't fit in, does it? .....
DEREK:
..... did it ever say .....
CLIVE:
..... With a picture of this holy cu.nt wandering round telling people to be good.
DEREK:
Did it ever say, "And lo! Jesus had a wee-wee"? No.
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
Nowhere.
CLIVE:
Are we to assume that Jesus, throughout his brief life, never had a piss? And if-, if he did have a piss, why wasn't it f***ing reported? Did he have a crap, why wasn't it down? Why didn't Paul say, "And Jesus went into the temple, had a piss, had a crap, wiped his arse with the money-changers," and, er, put in all the stuff which would make him human instead of all this shit about saying, "Take up thy bed and walk," to some cu.nt who's probably perfectly happy begging?
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
Makes you f***ing sick.
Mr Burns
New member
Man of Harveys
Well-known member
I know it's very sick and wrong and all that. But by christ, just reading this makes me shit out loud with laughter. "Brasso"...http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_08.htm
Jam The Man
Well-known member
defo the best one...
Alex Alex Dawson oo! oo!
Primary data is fact
Malibu de bum bum.