Chesney Christ
New member
Following the recent successful “tactics” of Bolton Wanderers and Nottingham Forest, securing that prized draw at The Amex, I thought I’d make it easier for the remaining clubs coming to The Amex this season, by producing a cut and paste tactics template to avoid them having to come up with anything original or having to resort to playing something vaguely resembling football.
Tactic No. 1 – Kick the living shit out of Brighton
Consciously target a Brighton player (or a few players) throughout the match with kicks, punches, niggles, shirt-pulling and general rough-house behaviour. This should generally be Will Buckley, but you can also look to target other creative players such as Andrea Orlandi and Kazenga Lua Lua. You should make sure to really clatter them at least 2 or 3 times, with the intention of ideally putting them out of the game/season.
One important tip here is that you should ensure that you rotate the person committing the foul. Nottingham Forest did this expertly, cleverly taking it in turns to maim Will Buckley. Once a player has been booked he is essentially “out of the game” in this sense, and it is the duty of the nearest unbooked player to commit the next assault.
Tactic No. 2 – When in possession
Do not overcomplicate things. When in possession, a clear and straightforward instruction must be issued to the players. The ball must be kicked as long a distance as humanly possible, and a minimum of 20ft in the air. Under no circumstances are they to be encouraged to 1. Keep Possession 2. Score a goal (unless your team have fallen behind) or 3. Be creative or attacking in any way, shape or form.
The key is to rid yourself of possession as quickly as possible, and allow Brighton to start their attacks again. This will ensure that the 11-0-0 formation remains in place.
Tactic No. 3 – Release the Orcs
As with every team currently in the Championship, you will, of course have two Orcs that you keep in a cage outside the training ground. Although they are technically not contracted employees, it is essential that you release both of these Orcs for the duration of the Saturday afternoon and allow them to take part in the game. The two Orcs should replace the regular centre backs just for this game. Although the Orcs are not capable of advanced communication, they should be able to follow basic instructions as long as you give them CLEAR INCENTIVES (this is VITAL – more on this below).
As is the standard, these Orcs should be a MINIMUM of 9ft 3in tall and 7ft 4in wide. You will need to give them a set of diagrams pre-kick off which will explain very clearly that if they successfully head the ball clear, they will be rewarded with raw meat at half time/full time. However, they will need to understand what stimuli to respond to. Pre-game, show them pictures of Brighton wingers/attacking midfielders so they know their cue and when to exact the ball to be travelling in their direction. Do not try and complicate anything for these creatures – they are basic and primal. Do not allow them – under ANY circumstances – to have the ball at their feet. It is important that you allow one of the Orcs to be captain for the day, as this will give them a sense of wellbeing.
Tactic No. 4 – Play every central midfielder in your squad
You need to ensure to pack the midfield against Brighton. This will get their wingers on the ball, which means that once the ball is sent into the box (providing you have executed Tactic No.3 successfully) it will be cleared with a minimum of fuss.
In summary…..
With these 4 basic tactics, you can ensure the dream result of a 0-0 or 1-1 draw is achieved. I wish you all the best, and I hope that between you all, you can ensure that we stamp out creative, attacking football – if not forever – at least for the remainder of the season.
Tactic No. 1 – Kick the living shit out of Brighton
Consciously target a Brighton player (or a few players) throughout the match with kicks, punches, niggles, shirt-pulling and general rough-house behaviour. This should generally be Will Buckley, but you can also look to target other creative players such as Andrea Orlandi and Kazenga Lua Lua. You should make sure to really clatter them at least 2 or 3 times, with the intention of ideally putting them out of the game/season.
One important tip here is that you should ensure that you rotate the person committing the foul. Nottingham Forest did this expertly, cleverly taking it in turns to maim Will Buckley. Once a player has been booked he is essentially “out of the game” in this sense, and it is the duty of the nearest unbooked player to commit the next assault.
Tactic No. 2 – When in possession
Do not overcomplicate things. When in possession, a clear and straightforward instruction must be issued to the players. The ball must be kicked as long a distance as humanly possible, and a minimum of 20ft in the air. Under no circumstances are they to be encouraged to 1. Keep Possession 2. Score a goal (unless your team have fallen behind) or 3. Be creative or attacking in any way, shape or form.
The key is to rid yourself of possession as quickly as possible, and allow Brighton to start their attacks again. This will ensure that the 11-0-0 formation remains in place.
Tactic No. 3 – Release the Orcs
As with every team currently in the Championship, you will, of course have two Orcs that you keep in a cage outside the training ground. Although they are technically not contracted employees, it is essential that you release both of these Orcs for the duration of the Saturday afternoon and allow them to take part in the game. The two Orcs should replace the regular centre backs just for this game. Although the Orcs are not capable of advanced communication, they should be able to follow basic instructions as long as you give them CLEAR INCENTIVES (this is VITAL – more on this below).
As is the standard, these Orcs should be a MINIMUM of 9ft 3in tall and 7ft 4in wide. You will need to give them a set of diagrams pre-kick off which will explain very clearly that if they successfully head the ball clear, they will be rewarded with raw meat at half time/full time. However, they will need to understand what stimuli to respond to. Pre-game, show them pictures of Brighton wingers/attacking midfielders so they know their cue and when to exact the ball to be travelling in their direction. Do not try and complicate anything for these creatures – they are basic and primal. Do not allow them – under ANY circumstances – to have the ball at their feet. It is important that you allow one of the Orcs to be captain for the day, as this will give them a sense of wellbeing.
Tactic No. 4 – Play every central midfielder in your squad
You need to ensure to pack the midfield against Brighton. This will get their wingers on the ball, which means that once the ball is sent into the box (providing you have executed Tactic No.3 successfully) it will be cleared with a minimum of fuss.
In summary…..
With these 4 basic tactics, you can ensure the dream result of a 0-0 or 1-1 draw is achieved. I wish you all the best, and I hope that between you all, you can ensure that we stamp out creative, attacking football – if not forever – at least for the remainder of the season.
