Craptastic Joke du Jour

[moggy]

Well there goes your lift to reading

EH

has yer car left already then?

blimey m8! bit early to leave aint it ?

 

[(was)DBS]

for now

 

[Soton Seagull]

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.


BUMP........


BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more cearly.... it was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
faster.........

BUMP........BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP..

BUMP........BUMP......

The
coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn mixture and threw it........


The coffin stopped.

 

[Northstander]

> > > A blonde bird pushes her Punto into a gas station. She tells the
>mechanic,
> > > "It died."
> > > After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
> > > She says, "What's the story?"
> > > He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
> > > She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[zefarelly]

nice one Northstander

nearly as good as my well worn lettuce joke

 

[Legend]

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

 

[Legend]

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllabic words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "All right, Johnny, what is your multi-syllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about jerking off."

 

[Legend]

Did you here the joke about the dyslexic devil worshipper?


He sold his soul to Santa

 

[Vinyl Richie]

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto


i-thank-you

 

[pasty]

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllabic words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "All right, Johnny, what is your multi-syllabic word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about jerking off."

Later that same day the teacher asks the children to thkng up a word begining with each letter of the alphabet starting with A

Little Johnny's hand shoots up in the air "Me Miss, me Miss"

"Okay" she says "What's your word beginging with A"
"Arse" says Johnny

"Enough" says teacher. "Now a word begining with B please"

Johnny shouts out "Bollocks Miss"

"That really is enough Johnny" says teacher. "Please can someone give me a word begining with C"

"C**T" shouts Johnny

"Right" says teacher. "This is you final warning Johnny. Give me a clean word begining with D or your in detention"

"Okay" says Johnny, "Dwarf Miss"

"Very good" says the teacher beaming. "And can you tell the class what a dwarf is Johnny"

"Yes Miss, it's a little man with great big hairy bollocks"

 

[The Antikythera Mechanism]

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

[Soul Finger]

What do you get if you cross a pirate with a paedophile?

Rrrrrrrrrr Kelly

(I know he was exonirated but it is funny)

 

[dougdeep]

Did you hear about the dyslexic who was invited to a toga party?
He went dressed as a goat.

 

[Norman Baker suck my lozenge]

Did you hear about the dyslexic muslim?
He shot Willie Rushden.
COAT.
What about the constipated maths teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Hat.
Also ,why did the feminist cross the road?
to suck my cock.
taxi.

 

[Soul Finger]

We need some more

 

[virgirlo]

We need some more

Yeah come on dannyboy seagull, where has your joke book gone?

 

[Tom Bombadil]

man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for
everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a
nightcap . and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful
time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! ! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice
to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . " You just happened to catch my
eye."

 

[Josky]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' Jammin.

How do the rest of The Wailers like their doughnuts?

I hope they like Jammin' too.

 

[D'Angelo Saxon]

What did the blind, deaf and dumb girl get for Christmas?



























Aids.

 

[Lammy]

What did the blind, deaf and dumb girl get for Christmas?



Aids.

Jesus!!