Bell Cheeses at work

[Badger]

This thread really has stepped up to new levels in recent weeks. A fantastic effort from everyone involved

I'm almost concerned that there's only a low/medium level of bellcheesery in my new office. I thought I'd be guaranteed some Grade A PLUMS at an office in North America.

 

[Simster]

Work nonsense
It was billed as something about “listening to customers”.
It was two events and attendance was mandatory (meaning “it’s shit but you’re going”).
The first session we had a woman going on about listening to what customers actually mean when they say something. Now I aint blowing my own trumpet but I’ve been in customer facing roles for 32+ years dealing with faults on various services from telephony to data; quite often the customer doesn’t use the same terminology so we ask questions to clarify what they mean.
This woman has us do things like “write down your favourite dog”. Now in those 32 years I’ve been to peoples houses and met their dogs but I don’t really have a favourite. I said ShiTzu for no other reason than it sounds rude.
Then we had to sit back to back, one of us was given a picture and had to describe it to the other one who drew it. I’m hard of hearing so just kept shouting “WHAT ?” and “PARDON”.

Anyway, that wasn’t so bad. The next day was run by a Brassy Northern Woman (BNW)
and was about how to deal with people on the phone.
We (I say “we” but some of us didn’t bother) had to go through some vocal warm exercises up to get us ready for using the phone.
Around this time someone told her he wasn’t having any of it and sat back with arms folded.
She kept coming out with all that stuff like smiling when you talk to a customer on the phone will mean you’re nicer to them and they will have a better experience.
Anyways, there were all 6 of us from my rota team at the time (we always worked together on all shifts so we were pretty close) and we’ve always been keen to mock suck fools; unfortunately it got a bit out of hand (Dave told his story about messing his bedsheets and there was another story about a used condom on a conservatory roof) and at lunchtime BNW goes and tells our boss that we aren’t behaving very well and aren’t engaging as much as she’d like.
The boss, a very pragmatic man, told her that if she tries to treat grown ups like children she’s only herself to blame.
BNW then goes to see the director who had engaged her to tell him it’s not going swimmingly. He tells her to ask us to leave the session.
BNW comes back after lunch, tells the 6 of us we are disruptive, would we please leave and that we will be getting disciplined. We weren’t.
Last anyone saw of BNW she appeared to be crying in her car.

This is quality. Well played sir , and of course your 5 chums.

 

[happypig]

I thought I'd be guaranteed some Grade A PLUMS at an office in North America.

Start an innocuous conversation about guns. That should weed a few out

 

[Simster]

Start an innocuous conversation about guns. That should weed a few out

He's in Canada, sadly.

 

[Hiney]

These stories of motivational 'Customer Focused' events leaves me feeling a little QUEASY

I worked for a High Street Bank and in the mid-90s, they decided that they would get EVERYONE in the UK Operation (around 70,000 people) through a 1-day customer-focused experience called 'The Winning Team'. They hired a venue in London and brought everyone down from all the branches and regional offices. It featured various modules, from 'Internal Customers' to 'Operational Excellence'.

I was 'chosen' to be a facilitator for these things, involving a 12-week secondment, staying in The Sherlock Holmes Hotel in baker Street. We had to deliver basically the same 45-minute seminar, 5 times a day, to people who did NOT want to be there. It was bad enough just doing the presentations, but on the back of nightly, expenses-fuelled, savage drinking benders, it was far from the prestigious role it was made out to be.

Corporate Bell-Cheesery of the highest order, failing to realise that levels of personal motivation vary MASSIVELY throughout an organisation and you can't change people in the space of ONE DAY.

 

[Badger]

Start an innocuous conversation about guns. That should weed a few out

He's in Canada, sadly.

Indeed, there's very little discussion on guns other than the same opinions of some of the IDIOTS south of the border.

I might express a negative opinion on HOCKEY though. Or simply refer to it as ICE HOCKEY, they don't like that.

 

[Simster]

Indeed, there's very little discussion on guns other than the same opinions of some of the IDIOTS south of the border.

I might express a negative opinion on HOCKEY though. Or simply refer to it as ICE HOCKEY, they don't like that.

Lovely stuff.

There is probably a "bell cheeses at work" thread on a leafs board somewhere - featuring you.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Indeed, there's very little discussion on guns other than the same opinions of some of the IDIOTS south of the border.

I might express a negative opinion on HOCKEY though. Or simply refer to it as ICE HOCKEY, they don't like that.

Make sure you keep reminding them that WE are the Olympic hockey CHAMPIONS.

 

[FamilyGuy]

Oh my God this brings back bad memories about all the "Team Building" and "Innovation" and "Brain Storming" and "New Direction" events that I have been invited to - and sometimes even attended.

Like the company i worked for that took "multiple teams" out of the predominantly sales oriented business (Global IT Co.) for 2x days at a time, herded us into a Gym at the "residential Training centre" in MK and put us thru an interactive team re-think to get everyone on the same page to go forward as a coherent whole into the global IT marketplace (or some such shyte).

Suffice to say none of the "output" was any good, nor taken seriously by the enforced audience, or acted upon ...... and then .....

a few weeks later they put together a rota to get all the teams back again to go thru the output, and as there was so many teams it needed to be done every day for a couple of weeks, and our team was selected to go on a Saturday. Suffice to say that we didn't go, and nothing was ever said about it again. Good use of time, money and effort guys!!!!



Or the internal course that my mate and I went on (in the late 1980's - for context) which was the one and only course our company ran for new Sales managers - before and after that it was sink or swim - it was a week-long international course and inevitably we had to interview the guy sitting next to us - you know the sort of thing, name address, family, interests - and then they in turn introduced us to the class.

So my mate interviewed the guy next to him and introduced him as "Sven from Oslo, yadda yadda yadda".

Sven then introduced my mate, based entirely on his interview of him: "This is my new friend Fred N*ggerbaiter, his main interest is looking down drains and .............."

Luckily the guy running the course was a mate of ours - and the remainder of the course was defined by this start. The Brit attendees had a great time, the Euros however took it all very seriously, it was fun - especially when we realised that a couple of the guys had never had a Curry before. International Bellcheesery by the Euros - encouraged by the Brits.


Or when I was working for a large IT company (lets call them Oracle) and our Sales Manager invited us to attend a non-mandatory weekend team building in the Yorkshire dales over a weekend in January, and asked us to send our acceptance to his PA - I didn't.
He was full of ideas about sleeping in a wooden hut in a dormitory, eating together/cooking together, walking in the Dales.Team competitions, getting to know an understand each other better, yadda, yadda ... (he completely ignored the fact that most of us went drinking together most weeks, sometimes with spouses)
I didn't go. It snowed heavily for days before and days afterwards.
On the Friday night (it was a long-weekend event) I was at home, warm and part way thru a second bottle of wine and said Sales manager phoned me up; "Where are you??"
Me: "I'm not coming, you said it wasn't mandatory and I've got a bad back (all true) and I told your PA (not true)"
Him; "Sigh" and put the phone down.

Everyone who did go said it was awful and a total waste of time - and exhausting, and that I was the only one who made the right decision. Several people had the next few days off suffering snow-related illnesses. Bellcheesery of the first order


Or the time my team and I exited a crap posh restaurant via the front window in the middle of an international "managers thank you dinner" of about 100 people - and all went to a great bar, and then claimed it back on expenses.....and nobody noticed (apparently). Interestingly many of the middle managers joined us in the bar mid-evening, claiming sanctuary.

I've been "in IT Sales" for a few decades now, so I have lots of similar memories of extensive bellcheesing / bellcheesery / bellcheesers..

Nowadays I work for myself, 2x days a week and make lots of money with zero hassle.

 

[Badger]

Make sure you keep reminding them that WE are the Olympic hockey CHAMPIONS.

Ooh, I hadn't thought of that. None of this FIELD hockey nonsense that they insist on saying. I did make a few comments when PLUCKY little Canada won a couple of medals.


I'm TEAM CANADA when the Winter Olympics come around though.

 

[Bodian]

A - This woman has us do things like “write down your favourite dog”. Now in those 32 years I’ve been to peoples houses and met their dogs but I don’t really have a favourite. I said ShiTzu for no other reason than it sounds rude.



B - Last anyone saw of BNW she appeared to be crying in her car.

A- Interviewing someone today for a new post. Fine, until the HR lady asked "If you were an animal, what animal would you be?"

B- We had such a poor course some years ago about something like 'positives of change' (ie: losing your job in the upcoming restructure will be great for you...), that management to their credit refused to pay the organisers.

 

[edna krabappel]

In a former role of mine, the training team in one of the offices was comprised of a husband and wife, both of whom had long service and loved to tell you all about it. In their own little office, they each had photographs of said husband/wife proudly displayed on the desk...despite the fact that their desks were adjacent and facing, and therefore they spent all day looking at each other.

We learned one day that their house had a name, rather than a number, and more entertainingly, one that featured their own surname incorporated into it in a fashion that was so twee it was painful.

At the start of each training session, he would reel off the usual housekeeping bit about where to find the toilets, and where the nearest fire escape is. He then proceeded, memorably, to declare that in the event of the fire alarm activating, the lifts in the building would stop working, and thus- because he had a knee injury- somebody would need to be nominated to carry him downstairs and outside

He was by no means the most painful of the pairing though. She was one of those people who, if you had an elephant, she had a box to put it in. If you ever gave an example of a piece of good work or outstanding service, she had a better one. She regularly slung people out of her training sessions for talking. Her most condescending (and self-important) moment came, however, when I and the other members of my team had to undertake a quick test at the end of a morning session to check whether we'd retained the information. It wasn't pass or fail, had no impact whatsoever on our careers, and whatever happened, we'd be back for the afternoon session regardless.

She, having marked our test papers, then made us all line up outside the room whilst she beckoned people in, one by one, to break the news of their success or failure in this entirely meaningless test. We queried this, wondering why she couldn't just have told us all earlier on whilst we were sat in the classroom, seeing as (a) we were all grown ups, and (b) couldn't have cared less about her little exam.

She said it was because some of the group had failed, and she wouldn't break such devastating news to them whilst all the rest of the group were present, fearing that they'd be too upset to continue. I made the error of wandering into the room whilst she was still addressing the previous individual, and got shouted straight out of the door again

 

[Deleted User X18H]

There were two bell cheeses in my office today, acting out a scene from the office. The episode where Brent extends his nose like Pinnochio and crosses himself.

Couple of Bell Cheeses !!!

 

[timbha]

Bumper day - good effort everyone

 

[Norman Potting]

....... She was one of those people who, if you had an elephant, she had a box to put it in........

Haven't heard that expression for over 20 years, make one realise how wonderful the English Language is.

Top, top posts yesterday, I think we all need to give ourselves a pat on the back and take advantage of the group synergy and energy in the room to go out there and pick the low hanging fruit

 

[Hiney]

Haven't heard that expression for over 20 years, make one realise how wonderful the English Language is.

Top, top posts yesterday, I think we all need to give ourselves a pat on the back and take advantage of the group synergy and energy in the room to go out there and pick the low hanging fruit

Sort yourself out man!

You don't 'go out there', you 'reach out'.

Run that up the flagpole and see who salutes.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Haven't heard that expression for over 20 years, make one realise how wonderful the English Language is.

Top, top posts yesterday, I think we all need to give ourselves a pat on the back and take advantage of the group synergy and energy in the room to go out there and pick the low hanging fruit

I think you need a brief spell in quarantine old chap, clearly infected with Bellcheeseitis.

 

[LlcoolJ]

I think you need a brief spell in quarantine old chap, clearly infected with Bellcheeseitis.

I had to point out to my wife that she'd started saying "essentially" the other day. This after she'd been going on about the word's overuse by various Bellcheeses where she works. It's definitely infectious!

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

I had to point out to my wife that she'd started saying "essentially" the other day. This after she'd been going on about the word's overuse by various Bellcheeses where she works. It's definitely infectious!

Sadly, that does seem to be the case.

I had my own personal battle with 'going forward' not too long ago. It's a phrase I loathe above almost all others yet I still found myself using it. Horrifying.

 

[El Presidente]

There were two bell cheeses in my office today, acting out a scene from the office. The episode where Brent extends his nose like Pinnochio and crosses himself.

Couple of Bell Cheeses !!!

I think Timmy you may have been standing in front of a mirror when this scene was taking place.