Bell Cheeses at work

[Seagull27]

I work in an office that is generally very relaxed and free of Bell Cheesery. However, recently we've had a guy who sits next to me who is just about the loudest person I've come across. Not in that he talks too much, but the way he works:

- He loudly clears his throat or sniffs approximately every 25 seconds

- Whenever drinking a coffee, he takes in a huge SLURP, and somehow even swallows annoyingly loudly

- When reading something on his screen, he apparently has to read it out loud in an AUDIBLE 'whisper'

- He BASHES his enter key

I feel slightly bad for writing this as he's generally a very nice guy otherwise, but it's been a long week and I need to go to the pub.

 

[Cian]

- When reading something on his screen, he apparently has to read it out loud in an AUDIBLE 'whisper'

I went to school with someone (who is somehow a primary teacher now) who is unable to read without doing that. I've no idea how he's ever sat an exam

 

[Guinness Boy]

"We're going to throw things in to the air and see what floats"

*throws conference call phone against wall*

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

"We're going to throw things in to the air and see what floats"

*throws conference call phone against wall*

Oooh I've not heard that one before.

Plenty of throwing things against a wall to see what sticks but no floating...how exciting!

 

[Titanic]

"We're going to throw things in to the air and see what floats"

Like a turd in a swimming pool?

 

[Norman Potting]

....." I didn't get where I am today without knowing a managementspeak cliche when I hear it".
"Great"
"Super".

Probably only funny to posters of a certain age. The books were worth a read as well.

 

[Easy 10]

Yesterday. A family bag of Doritos, from open to empty in NINE minutes. Amazing.

Crikey, that is quite staggering. Is she one of those people who throws back her head, turns the bag upside down, opens wide and TIPS the last few bits down into her gaping maw ? I have a particular loathing for those specimens.

Crisps can be thoroughly antisocial things in an office environment. There was a woman who worked opposite me, now thankfully departed (not DEAD as far as I know, just moved on), who was particularly annoying within a crisp context. Once she'd ploughed her way through the contents of the bag, her modis operandi was then to extract every tiny morsal from the crisp packet, almost down to a molecular level. To any normal person, the packet would be empty. Not to her though. From behind my monitor, I could observe as she held the bag in the palm of one hand, and then RAMMED her index finger hard and tight into the very corners of the vacated packet, making a prolongued and deafening SCRUNCHING noise, before drawing out the tiny crumbs, dust and plankton-sized residue, and noisily sucking it off. And if I've made that sound in any way erotic, I can assure you that it most certainly was not.

Mercifully she drew the line at splitting the packet wide open and tonguing it, in the office at least.

 

[BlockDpete]

Crikey, that is quite staggering. Is she one of those people who throws back her head, turns the bag upside down, opens wide and TIPS the last few bits down into her gaping maw ? I have a particular loathing for those specimens.


Thats the best bit of eating a packet of crisps isn't it??

Though witnessing someone trying to consumer a messy cream cake takes some beating.....

 

[WATFORD zero]

Though witnessing someone trying to consumer a messy cream cake takes some beating.....

 

[Brian Fantana]

Crikey, that is quite staggering. Is she one of those people who throws back her head, turns the bag upside down, opens wide and TIPS the last few bits down into her gaping maw ? I have a particular loathing for those specimens.

Crisps can be thoroughly antisocial things in an office environment. There was a woman who worked opposite me, now thankfully departed (not DEAD as far as I know, just moved on), who was particularly annoying within a crisp context. Once she'd ploughed her way through the contents of the bag, her modis operandi was then to extract every tiny morsal from the crisp packet, almost down to a molecular level. To any normal person, the packet would be empty. Not to her though. From behind my monitor, I could observe as she held the bag in the palm of one hand, and then RAMMED her index finger hard and tight into the very corners of the vacated packet, making a prolongued and deafening SCRUNCHING noise, before drawing out the tiny crumbs, dust and plankton-sized residue, and noisily sucking it off. And if I've made that sound in any way erotic, I can assure you that it most certainly was not.

Mercifully she drew the line at splitting the packet wide open and tonguing it, in the office at least.

That is an evocative, if disturbing image that you've painted.

We once had a woman in our office who downgraded from devouring an entire family sized packet of crisps once a day to eating multiple standard sized packets instead. She was convinced that this was a positive nutritional step.

'SAKE.

 

[Spicy]

One bloke where I work talks at length and very loudly about every purchase he has ever made in the history of mankind from Amazon and the pros and cons of each item. Another blows his nose so loudly he could be the foghorn on the end of a pier; and there is a woman who knows everything about everything, cooking, travel, whatever and talks at length about each thing. We all know what she has for dinner every evening, where she has been on holiday; and even the number of family she has in various parts of the world. And the worse part is that none of them are in my team, just on the same part of the floor, so I cannot reasonably tell them to "shut the feck up".

 

[Easy 10]

Thats the best bit of eating a packet of crisps isn't it??

Mmmnah, not for me. I just use my fingers, rather than holding the packet up in the air and tossing my head back like a horse with a nosebag.

 

[Easy 10]

One bloke where I work talks at length and very loudly about every purchase he has ever made in the history of mankind from Amazon and the pros and cons of each item.

We've got one of those. He gets EVERYTHING delivered to work as well, so of course, we all get to see him opening it, perusing it, giving us his verdict and then seeking our approval.

Last week he ordered some kind of adapter thing to go on the end of his hoover, to help gather up dog hairs (yes, its him again with the Doggy CCTV). I mean what kind of response can you possibly give when he holds up a plastic hoover appendage and says "ahh, look at that. Just the job eh ?".

 

[Cian]

He gets EVERYTHING delivered to work as well

I get everything delivered to work

*tenders resignation from Overseas Office of BCIL*

(I do do all the IT purchasing so there's work stuff coming in my name all the time, if that's any defence)

 

[Spicy]

We've got one of those. He gets EVERYTHING delivered to work as well, so of course, we all get to see him opening it, perusing it, giving us his verdict and then seeking our approval.

Last week he ordered some kind of adapter thing to go on the end of his hoover, to help gather up dog hairs (yes, its him again with the Doggy CCTV). I mean what kind of response can you possibly give when he holds up a plastic hoover appendage and says "ahh, look at that. Just the job eh ?".

Maybe "I wonder if it will fit in your gob, and sideways?"

 

[Spicy]

I get everything delivered to work

*tenders resignation from Overseas Office of BCIL*

(I do do all the IT purchasing so there's work stuff coming in my name all the time, if that's any defence)

No defence at all. Consider yourself tried and sentenced.

 

[Easy 10]

I get everything delivered to work

*tenders resignation from Overseas Office of BCIL*

(I do do all the IT purchasing so there's work stuff coming in my name all the time, if that's any defence)

In fairness, I usually have my Amazons delivered to work too (indeed I had a delivery here only yesterday). But I don't then feel the urge to parade my newly-purchased wares through the office seeking comment and approval. The hoover accessory was possibly a new low, but off the top of my head, in the last couple of months I have also been invited to peruse his desktop phone charger, his Breaking Bad t-shirts, a wireless mouse, and some printed Xmas-themed writing paper / envelopes. "Oh...nice".

Maybe "I wonder if it will fit in your gob, and sideways?"

Isn't that always the way, when you think of (or see) exactly what you SHOULD have said at the time. Duly stored.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Crikey, that is quite staggering. Is she one of those people who throws back her head, turns the bag upside down, opens wide and TIPS the last few bits down into her gaping maw ?

No, obviously not. That would not make NEARLY enough noise.

 

[Withdean11]

We've got one of those. He gets EVERYTHING delivered to work as well, so of course, we all get to see him opening it, perusing it, giving us his verdict and then seeking our approval.

That could go very wrong for him. Presumably you know his name so could order, say, a blow up sex doll in his name for him to open infront of his on looking collegues?

 

[hans kraay fan club]

That could go very wrong for him. Presumably you know his name so could order, say, a blow up sex doll in his name for him to open infront of his on looking collegues?

Such a prodigous Amazon customer would nailed on be signed up for 'one click ordering', with credit card details all pre-loaded. Just need him to leave his PC unattended for five minutes, and 'he' can not only unwrap said gift in the office - he can pay for it, too.