Bell Cheeses at work

[Igzilla]

So, Daddy's Boy was taken off the products he was "managing" (despite winning a Recognition Award, ffs!) because he was finding it too stressful, and placed in charge of another brand. unfortunately, our main, well known household brand. Within a week, our number 1 product has gone out of stock

He's also just asked, "Is it the England or Australian run rate you've been talking about?"

Jesus wept.

 

[Postman Pat]

Some CTJC of a BC has complained to HR about my Internet usage. Don't they know there is an ashes series, a transfer window and Bobby's return.

Now taking long breaks with my mobile to catch up.

 

[Igzilla]

Just got into work, just my boss sitting at the desk. "Just us, then?" I say. "Oh," she says, "Daddy's Boy got on the wrong train this morning. I was standing next to him on the platform. Guildford train rolls in, Guildford train rolls out, no Daddy's Boy. I thought he was off getting a coffee, " she says.

He did this AGAIN.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

He did this AGAIN.

I can appreciate how utterly infuriating working with someone that dim must be but I'm still a little jealous as there are times that a real thicko would liven up my working days...

 

[Cian]

I'd always assumed the (lack of) training and, well, non existent "performance management" in here meant that, despite it making the office free of a lot of bellcheesery resulted in having slightly sub-par staff in a few areas being left there.

We've taken three staff in from a rival (admittedly, one that pays far less) in the past month, one that does have performance reviews and all - and they're all useless. One is being let go today, another has had their probation extended. The third is only here a while but the fact that she's managed to forget her password and lock herself out of her computer every day doesn't bode well.

Can we chalk this one up as a victory? Of sorts. Don't drive your staff insane with "PMDS", "360 feedback" and similar buzzwords and they just end up being better anyway.

 

[Woodchip]

Weirdly enough, I was just having a conversation with some guys at work, and they were telling me about a software tester who used to work here and went out every lunchtime for about 6 pints. Apparently he was quite productive in the mornings and often found asleep in the afternoons.

I'm a Test Lead and worked with a tester that was almost that bad. Must be something in the role that drives us to drink. Probably rubbish developers. lol

Thankfully there's no-one annoying in my office... which probably means I'm the annoying one. Oh well, I'll live.

 

[Woodchip]

I'd always assumed the (lack of) training and, well, non existent "performance management" in here meant that, despite it making the office free of a lot of bellcheesery resulted in having slightly sub-par staff in a few areas being left there.

We've taken three staff in from a rival (admittedly, one that pays far less) in the past month, one that does have performance reviews and all - and they're all useless. One is being let go today, another has had their probation extended. The third is only here a while but the fact that she's managed to forget her password and lock herself out of her computer every day doesn't bode well.

Can we chalk this one up as a victory? Of sorts. Don't drive your staff insane with "PMDS", "360 feedback" and similar buzzwords and they just end up being better anyway.

I feel your pain. I've gone from a company that done 6 monthly reviews (about 8 A4 pages worth) to one that doesn't. The bad thing is with both companies the boss has been great and knows exactly what I do, without micro-managing, making the whole process fecking pointless.

HR are the biggest BC's of them all. Thankfully they're 500 miles (and a flight) away in Auckland, so I never see or hear from them.

 

[KingKev]

Probably me. Looking to make an impression? Check. Knows a bit about Excel? Check. Stupid enough to take on such a miserable task? WINNER.

But, obviously, nobody on here would wait until deadline day to provide their metrics for the inevitable graphs and the Powerpoint presentation leaving me just a coupe of minutes to make sure everything is coded properly and displaying in the EXACT way demanded by people who don't understand the software and who couldn't even come close to getting the stupid thing compiled.

Chill - we all know that as long as it's in PowerPoint it must be true - as long as said ppt is in company designated format (logo top right, right colour scheme and regulation font) then it'll always be fine...regardless of what dimf@ckery is contained therein.

 

[Brian Fantana]

It's all been dangerously quiet and peaceful in my office over the past few weeks.

I sense something dreadful is on the horizon.

 

[Cian]

It's all been dangerously quiet and peaceful in my office over the past few weeks.

I sense something dreadful is on the horizon.

Any child-obsessed mummies taken the summer off on parental leave, due to return when said brats go back to school to coo about them for the next 10 months?

 

[Brian Fantana]

Any child-obsessed mummies taken the summer off on parental leave, due to return when said brats go back to school to coo about them for the next 10 months?

Not that I'm aware of.

Mercifully, that is the one breed of office bellend that we're currently without.

I've probably jinxed it good and proper now.

 

[McTavish]

I have one BC who is a particularly vigorous and often incorrect user of pseudo-management speech. He reached a new high today when he asked my advice on a deal that he was putting together and showed me a very confusing spreadsheet. I asked him what one column represented and he told me, "That's the value cascading into the margin." "WTF??!!," said I. Turns out he meant "profit."

He also uses "that's a bit lastminutedotcom," completely un-ironically.

I am slowly dying inside...

 

[Ninja Elephant]

"That's the value cascading into the margin."

There it is. In that one phrase is the definition of a Bell Cheese, and truly marks out this guy as being a complete corporate prat. Someone who is so corporate they're barely anything other than a company boy. I find that quite depressing.

 

[Gwylan]

I have one BC who is a particularly vigorous and often incorrect user of pseudo-management speech. He reached a new high today when he asked my advice on a deal that he was putting together and showed me a very confusing spreadsheet. I asked him what one column represented and he told me, "That's the value cascading into the margin." "WTF??!!," said I. Turns out he meant "profit."

He also uses "that's a bit lastminutedotcom," completely un-ironically.

I am slowly dying inside...

Damn .... I wish I'd seen this a few days ago. I've just written an article on bell-cheesery and could have used this

 

[dazzer6666]

There it is. In that one phrase is the definition of a Bell Cheese, and truly marks out this guy as being a complete corporate prat. Someone who is so corporate they're barely anything other than a company boy. I find that quite depressing.

This. Top, top bellcheesery of the highest order.

 

[dazzer6666]

I have one BC who is a particularly vigorous and often incorrect user of pseudo-management speech. He reached a new high today when he asked my advice on a deal that he was putting together and showed me a very confusing spreadsheet. I asked him what one column represented and he told me, "That's the value cascading into the margin." "WTF??!!," said I. Turns out he meant "profit."

He also uses "that's a bit lastminutedotcom," completely un-ironically.

I am slowly dying inside...

I used to work with a bloke who used 'it's all a bit lastminute.com' ALL the time. He wasn't really in the BC category though, just a bit of a sad old fart.

 

[BlockDpete]

I used to work with a bloke who used 'it's all a bit lastminute.com' ALL the time. He wasn't really in the BC category though, just a bit of a sad old fart.

My boss uses lastminute.com, and confused.com.

Surely it must be worth asking if he is a bellcheese.com

 

[dazzer6666]

My boss uses lastminute.com, and confused.com.

Surely it must be worth asking if he is a bellcheese.com

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

 

[dazzer6666]

My boss uses lastminute.com, and confused.com.

Surely it must be worth asking if he is a bellcheese.com

You don't work for a stockbroking firm by any chance do you

 

[Psychobilly freakout]

Got a right miserable old git with two years to go until his retirement, cant come soon enough.

The part time accountant was on his way out and answered the phone because the colleague was busy with a customer in the shop, he left a note on his computer because he thought it was urgent...

So numbnuts put this on his computer which he will find upon his return next week.

feckwits we have to work with, life is way too short.


Get a feckin life,....