Anyone know any REALLY GOOD one line jokes?

[Andrew]

For my youtube channel....

Basically for a laugh for the last few weeks I've been filming my self with friends saying jokes. But we're out of ideas. One thing though, they have to be clean. That's the whole idea of it... so, anyone got any witty, awesome jokes?

 

[Gwm]

Here is time vines top ten one liners.



Exit signs? They're on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes (this year's Lafta winner)

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

 

[bravohotelalpha]

For my youtube channel....

Basically for a laugh for the last few weeks I've been filming my self with friends saying jokes. But we're out of ideas. One thing though, they have to be clean. That's the whole idea of it... so, anyone got any witty, awesome jokes?

Moaners knowing really funny jokes - you've gotta be kidding

 

[guster]

This one won top joke at Edinburgh i think:

Hedgehogs, why cant they just share the hedge?

 

[seagullsdaz]

Start my new job at Legoland tomorrow. I'm bricking it

 

[AgerBomb22]

Disney Land has just been shut down. Health and safety found a 5 foot mouse

 

[Washie]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

[oldalbiongirl]

Here is time vines top ten one liners.



Exit signs? They're on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes (this year's Lafta winner)

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

 

[Washie]

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, “Aren’t you
going to help?” I said, “No, six should be enough

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any

Ultimate chat-up line: Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending

Have you heard about the three-star restaurant on the Champs-Élysées that makes omelets with only one egg? Apparently in Paris, one egg is un oeuf

So this neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint of lager and begins to open his wallet when the barman says, "For you, no charge!"

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh***ing herself.

 

[Madam Cholet]

Seen somewhere on here before (someone's signature?): Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

I remember my grandma's last words to me ... 'What are you doing with that hammer?'

 

[MrShaun15]

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

 

[Pogue Mahone]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
And the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic? He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

 

[element]

When I was a barman in a cocktail joint, a woman came in and asked for a double entendre, so I gave her one...

 

[Dorset Seagull]

I can't spell Armageddon but its not the end of the world

 

[Stumpy Tim]

I ate a scrabble set last night. My next toilet trip could spell trouble

 

[Seasider78]

Just got a new blindfold can't see myself wearing it though

 

[jevs]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Now that was bloody funny !!!

 

[Capricorn]

Come on then, lets have a link to your YouTube channel... What's the worst that could happen, it's only NSC.

 

[happypig]

Bigamy is having too many wives, but then so is monogamy.