BadFish
Huge Member
- Oct 19, 2003
- 17,123
Only one.
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Alan Partridge Quotes
- Thread starter KingstonSeagull
- Start date
Only one.
KingstonSeagull
New member
- Thread starter
- #44
Stop getting bond wrong!
Norman Potting
Well-known member
Was just about to post this, my favourite!
dingodan
New member
- Feb 16, 2011
- 10,080
Let battle commence! Do you uh, like me doing that? shall I do it more quickly, or maintain the same speed? Shall I move onto the other one?
Do you mind if I talk? Helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak...what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?
Jill what are you doing? For God's sake what are you doing!? Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented!
Do you mind if I talk? Helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak...what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?
Jill what are you doing? For God's sake what are you doing!? Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented!
SIMMO SAYS
Well-known member
Anything Partridge has said BG did it first 
KingstonSeagull
New member
- Thread starter
- #48
It’s four-fifty a.m. The Queen is dead, long live the King Singers!
Now, we’ve had several calls during the last few hours concerning a humorous comment I made some time ago. Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners… and a newspaper. So, just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth the second is not dead… unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid. Just coming up to seven o’clock. Gadzooks! It’s the noble Sir David Clifton of radioshire!
Now, we’ve had several calls during the last few hours concerning a humorous comment I made some time ago. Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners… and a newspaper. So, just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth the second is not dead… unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid. Just coming up to seven o’clock. Gadzooks! It’s the noble Sir David Clifton of radioshire!
clapham_gull
Legacy Fan
- Aug 20, 2003
- 25,338
My all time favourite.
We're the Stripes
Well-known member
Needles to say.. I took.. drugs.
W.C.
New member
- Oct 31, 2011
- 4,927
What are you getting?
KingstonSeagull
New member
- Thread starter
- #53
"Calm down, Lynn! You're suffering from minor women's whiplash!"
brakespear
Doctor Worm
My favourite bit of Partridge - layout lifted from user yardrs from the British Comedy Guide forum, so thanks for that:
Alan: That was The Police 'Doo Doo Doo Daa Daa Daa', their gibberish classic, and my tribute to Her Majesty's police. It's nearly seven o'clock. This is Dave Clifton.
Dave: Yes, indeed! Good morning, my name's Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten!
[Alan forces an appreciative groan, and laughs.]
Dave: You off to see a film, like Cone-an the Barbarian?
Alan:[Slightly annoyed, but still playing along] Yeah, good one.
Dave: Then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like Cone Dancing?
Alan: Yeah. Not so good, but fine.
Dave: Oh, come on Alan. What's the matter with you? Cone't you take a joke?
Alan: Oh, f**k off.
[Dave stares in shocked silence for a second, then regains himself.]
Dave: Actually, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said that.
Alan: You don't sound it. I wish you were.
Dave: Well I am. Now, I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find a way -
Alan: [Interrupting] Try saying nothing!
Dave: You and I both know that dead air is a crime, and I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.
Alan: Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It's one minute past seven, it's your show, you're responsible for the output, I am technically a guest and you've failed to control me. Read the small print on your cone-tract.
Alan: That was The Police 'Doo Doo Doo Daa Daa Daa', their gibberish classic, and my tribute to Her Majesty's police. It's nearly seven o'clock. This is Dave Clifton.
Dave: Yes, indeed! Good morning, my name's Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten!
[Alan forces an appreciative groan, and laughs.]
Dave: You off to see a film, like Cone-an the Barbarian?
Alan:[Slightly annoyed, but still playing along] Yeah, good one.
Dave: Then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like Cone Dancing?
Alan: Yeah. Not so good, but fine.
Dave: Oh, come on Alan. What's the matter with you? Cone't you take a joke?
Alan: Oh, f**k off.
[Dave stares in shocked silence for a second, then regains himself.]
Dave: Actually, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said that.
Alan: You don't sound it. I wish you were.
Dave: Well I am. Now, I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find a way -
Alan: [Interrupting] Try saying nothing!
Dave: You and I both know that dead air is a crime, and I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.
Alan: Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It's one minute past seven, it's your show, you're responsible for the output, I am technically a guest and you've failed to control me. Read the small print on your cone-tract.
Ameliaance
New member
- Feb 22, 2016
- 66
"All those people who go around saying “Life begins at forty,” they're notable by their absence. The nerve." 
Paul Reids Sock
Well-known member
'Just the one'
Stato
Well-known member
- Dec 21, 2011
- 6,585
The full line, because I love the repetition of 'Never gonna use them.':
"I’m going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally, I’m on the ring road. Third time round. I’ve just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use ‘em. Never gonna use ‘em."
My favourite moment is in the car outside the house he can't buy because he didn't get a second series. Even in his fantasy, he can't be happy. It seems to sum up his world:
"Lynn I’m not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they’re down. I don’t want salvation, I just want to be able to say “I’m Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be,” I don’t know, “Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn’t know you’d moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I’m having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I’d love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of area.” “Do you like Mini Kiev’s?”, “I love them! But my wife’s vegetarian”, “Doesn’t matter. She can have fish”, [gradually getting irritated] “No she won’t eat that either”, “Oh forget it!”. You people. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me. I’ll tell you something, you know. They may have very nice Tudorette-style housing but can they order an Irish Coffee at three a.m. in the morning and get it delivered to their bedroom?"
Cosmic Joker
The Motorik
A favourite scene in the reception of the Linton Travel tavern
Alan: Oh. [To Susan] Actually, can I talk to you? There’s rather a delicate matter…
[The phone rings.]
Susan: Oh, excuse me. Sophie, could you deal with this?
[Sophie looks worried.]
Alan: Er, Sophie…
Sophie: Mr. Partridge?
Alan: As you know, at the end of the week, I’m meeting Tony Hayers, at the BBC. And, he is Mr. Numero… one…. And the problem is I’ve got some rude daubings on the side of my car.
Sophie: Can you still drive the car?
Alan: Well, yeah, yeah, obviously. I mean that’s not… do you know what it says on the side of my car?
Sophie: Tosser?
Alan: No. Well, you’re in the right ballpark. No, it actually says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’.
[Sophie turns away, trying not to laugh. Susan returns from the phonecall.]
Susan: [Brightly] Is everything alright?
Sophie: Mr. Partridge, erm… has got some rude… graffiti… on –
[Sophie runs out the back of reception, trying to control her hysterics.]
Susan: [Alarmed] Graffiti? What, in the hotel?
Alan: No, no, God. There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent, that’s the tragedy. But no, it’s not the… it’s on the side of my car; it says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’.
[As Alan says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’, Sophie attempts to return, and has to immediately turn back.]
Alan: Which is… which is illegal. Is she new?
Susan: Yes, she is.
Alan: I mean, I’m basically driving around in an obscene publication. I’d love to get my hands on the *******. Or bitch, might be a lady.
Alan: Oh. [To Susan] Actually, can I talk to you? There’s rather a delicate matter…
[The phone rings.]
Susan: Oh, excuse me. Sophie, could you deal with this?
[Sophie looks worried.]
Alan: Er, Sophie…
Sophie: Mr. Partridge?
Alan: As you know, at the end of the week, I’m meeting Tony Hayers, at the BBC. And, he is Mr. Numero… one…. And the problem is I’ve got some rude daubings on the side of my car.
Sophie: Can you still drive the car?
Alan: Well, yeah, yeah, obviously. I mean that’s not… do you know what it says on the side of my car?
Sophie: Tosser?
Alan: No. Well, you’re in the right ballpark. No, it actually says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’.
[Sophie turns away, trying not to laugh. Susan returns from the phonecall.]
Susan: [Brightly] Is everything alright?
Sophie: Mr. Partridge, erm… has got some rude… graffiti… on –
[Sophie runs out the back of reception, trying to control her hysterics.]
Susan: [Alarmed] Graffiti? What, in the hotel?
Alan: No, no, God. There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent, that’s the tragedy. But no, it’s not the… it’s on the side of my car; it says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’.
[As Alan says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’, Sophie attempts to return, and has to immediately turn back.]
Alan: Which is… which is illegal. Is she new?
Susan: Yes, she is.
Alan: I mean, I’m basically driving around in an obscene publication. I’d love to get my hands on the *******. Or bitch, might be a lady.
KingstonSeagull
New member
- Thread starter
- #60
Boy: Mum, I want my GameBoy.
Alan to a woman with her child: Hello. Excuse me, what’s his name?
Mother: It’s Todd.
Alan: What, Todd? Seriously? Hello Todd. Snazzy jeans you’ve got on there.
Todd: Thank you.
Alan: You’re welcome.
Alan to waiter: Correct me if I’m wrong, there is a zero tolerance policy on denim in the bar.
Waiter: Yes.
Alan to waiter: I think there’s a chap over there wearing jeans. Chap of bout six.
Alan to Siobhan: They’re lovely at that age, aren’t they?
Alan to Woman: Did they get you on the old jeans rule? Nazis! But with excellent facilities… as had the Nazis.
Alan to a woman with her child: Hello. Excuse me, what’s his name?
Mother: It’s Todd.
Alan: What, Todd? Seriously? Hello Todd. Snazzy jeans you’ve got on there.
Todd: Thank you.
Alan: You’re welcome.
Alan to waiter: Correct me if I’m wrong, there is a zero tolerance policy on denim in the bar.
Waiter: Yes.
Alan to waiter: I think there’s a chap over there wearing jeans. Chap of bout six.
Alan to Siobhan: They’re lovely at that age, aren’t they?
Alan to Woman: Did they get you on the old jeans rule? Nazis! But with excellent facilities… as had the Nazis.