Ex Shelton Seagull
New member
Welcome to Chesterfield!
Welcome to the heartbeat of North Derbyshire! Situated between Sheffield and Nottingham, and nowhere near as good as either of them, lies the historic market town of Chesterfield. This bustling, go-getting town has everything you’d expect from a thriving market town. A shop, bus services, a public toilet (with flush!) and of course, rubbish bins. There’s more coming out of this little town than just the bus service to Derby! Chesterfield is pushing into the 20th century with innovations like escalators and drunken assaults. Chesterfield is really going places!
History
Chesterfield was founded in 1223 by a group of village idiots from the growing town of Derby. The idiots, unsatisfied with the growing level of intelligence found in Derby, decided to form their own town, free from the stigma that incest was attracting in those cosmopolitan times. Fierce inter-breeding saw the population shoot up, whilst barriers were constructed to make sure that no outsiders contaminated the gene pool. Eventually, in 1431, a local farmer by the name of Edward Idiot 48th decided to overthrow the tyrannous town rulers and establish the rule of sheep. His love of sheep had started several years before whilst out on the lonely moors and he determined to bring this love to the townspeople. The folk of Chesterfield soon took to sheep and as a result the population of the town dropped dramatically. It was only the intervention of Lord Heppleton in 1480 that saved the town from disappearing completely.
The next few hundred years saw a number of battles between the remaining sheep lovers, now forced to commit their acts in private, and those who wanted to uphold the ideals of their founding (and biological) fathers. There seemed little sign of relief from this state of affairs until the days of the Industrial Revolution.
A Local Industrialist, Robert Jarry Harpington, saw that the sloped brows and large hairy hands of the local residents would make them perfect workers in his new mine. The townsfolk were keen to sign up for the new jobs, under the impression that the coal was edible. Coal still remains an important part of the local diet, forming the basis of the wonderful slag pies that are available in all food shops in the town. The local’s did indeed make fine miners and Harpington made a fortune as he paid the workers in coal and not money, which the locals considered to be cursed. The local phrase “if you haven’t worked down t’pit, you’re not a man” is used by men (and women) in the town today.
Sadly there are hardly any photographs from the era, as the townsfolk believed (as many still do today) that the flash from the bulb “steals away your soul”. Instead fine collections of local paintings, created from sheep excrement, were used to record daily events and many hang on the walls of the local gallery. The introduction of the English language in 1928 helped bring about innovations such as books and writing. Basic mathematics was introduced to the town in 1954 and it is soon hoped that as high as 60% of the population will be both literate AND numerate by 2010.
Sadly the heavy industry that provided the town with it’s heartbeat and the thin layer of dust that covered all buildings is now gone. Its soul, however, will always be present and the town is fighting back with new high-tech industries such as toilet seat manufacturing and paper cup production coming to the town. Chesterfield has a fascinating history, but it has a thrilling future!
Spires
The most distinctive landmark in Chesterfield is, of course, the crooked spire of the town’s church. The spire was constructed by a group of local engineers who were determined to build the most fantastic spire ever seen in the North Derbyshire area. Unfortunately they drew the designs on their knees as tables were banned in the town until 1670. Due to this unorthodox technique, the designs came out crooked and since none of the builders had a clue about angles they built the spire according to what they saw.
In an attempt to prove that the spire was not crooked the townspeople would walk with their heads tilted to one side so as to make the spire look straight. This habit has filtered down through the generations and accounts for the sloping gait of the local townsfolk.
Football
Carrying the name of Chesterfield to places like Torquay and Rochdale is Chesterfield FC. Formed in 1868 they are one of the oldest and least successful teams in league history. The stadium, Saltergate, was constructed at this time and history buffs will be fascinated to learn that hardly anything has changed since that time. The original toilets, seats and turnstiles are still in use and still going strong!
The team made it to the heady heights of the old division 2 before the Second World War and stayed there until 1951. They have since spent the rest of their time in the bottom two divisions, sometimes enjoying the thrills of a promotion chase and the trophy cabinet is well stocked on Division 4 titles! The team regularly draws crowds of up to 3,000 and sometimes 4,000 to Saltergate.
In 1997 the team made it to the FA cup semi-finals after a magnificent win over the giants of Wrexham but was cruelly denied in the following game against Middlesbrough. It was no surprise, as all Chesterfield fans know that referees are always biased against them and that every team who plays them is lucky. “It’s not our fault, it’s them!” is the favorite cry of Chesterfield fans!
The team are currently battling against relegation to the 3rd division, as they have done for the past two seasons, but one day all Chesterfield fans hope the team can achieve their dreams and finish 12th in Division 2!
Solar Towers
The world’s largest solar timepiece is soon to be built near Chesterfield. Three huge towers of stainless steel will be constructed and will be visible from the M1. It is hoped that these huge hunks of metal will improve the look of the town beyond measure!
What a place!
So come to Chesterfield for everything you need! If you are from an ethnic background you can look forward to a special greeting from some of our residents! If you’re black you’ll receive the traditional monkey grunts and “coon” greeting! Enjoy a night out in the town and try to avoid being glassed by a slack jawed youth who accuses you of “looking at him funny”. Wearing an opposition football team shirt will lead to you receiving a hearty physical welcome and a lot of shouted greetings. Maybe you might receive the gift of a beer bottle!
Yes, Chesterfield has it all! Don’t bother going to new towns on the coast, or the thriving cities of Nottingham and Derby, come to Chesterfield for a hearty welcome and an enjoyable trip to our well stocked A&E department!
Welcome to the heartbeat of North Derbyshire! Situated between Sheffield and Nottingham, and nowhere near as good as either of them, lies the historic market town of Chesterfield. This bustling, go-getting town has everything you’d expect from a thriving market town. A shop, bus services, a public toilet (with flush!) and of course, rubbish bins. There’s more coming out of this little town than just the bus service to Derby! Chesterfield is pushing into the 20th century with innovations like escalators and drunken assaults. Chesterfield is really going places!
History
Chesterfield was founded in 1223 by a group of village idiots from the growing town of Derby. The idiots, unsatisfied with the growing level of intelligence found in Derby, decided to form their own town, free from the stigma that incest was attracting in those cosmopolitan times. Fierce inter-breeding saw the population shoot up, whilst barriers were constructed to make sure that no outsiders contaminated the gene pool. Eventually, in 1431, a local farmer by the name of Edward Idiot 48th decided to overthrow the tyrannous town rulers and establish the rule of sheep. His love of sheep had started several years before whilst out on the lonely moors and he determined to bring this love to the townspeople. The folk of Chesterfield soon took to sheep and as a result the population of the town dropped dramatically. It was only the intervention of Lord Heppleton in 1480 that saved the town from disappearing completely.
The next few hundred years saw a number of battles between the remaining sheep lovers, now forced to commit their acts in private, and those who wanted to uphold the ideals of their founding (and biological) fathers. There seemed little sign of relief from this state of affairs until the days of the Industrial Revolution.
A Local Industrialist, Robert Jarry Harpington, saw that the sloped brows and large hairy hands of the local residents would make them perfect workers in his new mine. The townsfolk were keen to sign up for the new jobs, under the impression that the coal was edible. Coal still remains an important part of the local diet, forming the basis of the wonderful slag pies that are available in all food shops in the town. The local’s did indeed make fine miners and Harpington made a fortune as he paid the workers in coal and not money, which the locals considered to be cursed. The local phrase “if you haven’t worked down t’pit, you’re not a man” is used by men (and women) in the town today.
Sadly there are hardly any photographs from the era, as the townsfolk believed (as many still do today) that the flash from the bulb “steals away your soul”. Instead fine collections of local paintings, created from sheep excrement, were used to record daily events and many hang on the walls of the local gallery. The introduction of the English language in 1928 helped bring about innovations such as books and writing. Basic mathematics was introduced to the town in 1954 and it is soon hoped that as high as 60% of the population will be both literate AND numerate by 2010.
Sadly the heavy industry that provided the town with it’s heartbeat and the thin layer of dust that covered all buildings is now gone. Its soul, however, will always be present and the town is fighting back with new high-tech industries such as toilet seat manufacturing and paper cup production coming to the town. Chesterfield has a fascinating history, but it has a thrilling future!
Spires
The most distinctive landmark in Chesterfield is, of course, the crooked spire of the town’s church. The spire was constructed by a group of local engineers who were determined to build the most fantastic spire ever seen in the North Derbyshire area. Unfortunately they drew the designs on their knees as tables were banned in the town until 1670. Due to this unorthodox technique, the designs came out crooked and since none of the builders had a clue about angles they built the spire according to what they saw.
In an attempt to prove that the spire was not crooked the townspeople would walk with their heads tilted to one side so as to make the spire look straight. This habit has filtered down through the generations and accounts for the sloping gait of the local townsfolk.
Football
Carrying the name of Chesterfield to places like Torquay and Rochdale is Chesterfield FC. Formed in 1868 they are one of the oldest and least successful teams in league history. The stadium, Saltergate, was constructed at this time and history buffs will be fascinated to learn that hardly anything has changed since that time. The original toilets, seats and turnstiles are still in use and still going strong!
The team made it to the heady heights of the old division 2 before the Second World War and stayed there until 1951. They have since spent the rest of their time in the bottom two divisions, sometimes enjoying the thrills of a promotion chase and the trophy cabinet is well stocked on Division 4 titles! The team regularly draws crowds of up to 3,000 and sometimes 4,000 to Saltergate.
In 1997 the team made it to the FA cup semi-finals after a magnificent win over the giants of Wrexham but was cruelly denied in the following game against Middlesbrough. It was no surprise, as all Chesterfield fans know that referees are always biased against them and that every team who plays them is lucky. “It’s not our fault, it’s them!” is the favorite cry of Chesterfield fans!
The team are currently battling against relegation to the 3rd division, as they have done for the past two seasons, but one day all Chesterfield fans hope the team can achieve their dreams and finish 12th in Division 2!
Solar Towers
The world’s largest solar timepiece is soon to be built near Chesterfield. Three huge towers of stainless steel will be constructed and will be visible from the M1. It is hoped that these huge hunks of metal will improve the look of the town beyond measure!
What a place!
So come to Chesterfield for everything you need! If you are from an ethnic background you can look forward to a special greeting from some of our residents! If you’re black you’ll receive the traditional monkey grunts and “coon” greeting! Enjoy a night out in the town and try to avoid being glassed by a slack jawed youth who accuses you of “looking at him funny”. Wearing an opposition football team shirt will lead to you receiving a hearty physical welcome and a lot of shouted greetings. Maybe you might receive the gift of a beer bottle!
Yes, Chesterfield has it all! Don’t bother going to new towns on the coast, or the thriving cities of Nottingham and Derby, come to Chesterfield for a hearty welcome and an enjoyable trip to our well stocked A&E department!
