Raise a smile

[On the Left Wing]

A flash Croydon lawyer decides to take his holiday course shooting on the Sussex Downs. He bags his first bird - a pigeon - but it falls into an adjacent field - he climbs over the fence to retrieve it but the local farmer, an old man, stops him.

"That's my pigeon - it's on my property" says the farmer
An argument ensues and the Croydon lawyer eventually loses his rag.

"I'll have you know that I'm one of the top 10 lawyers in London" cries the brief - "give me the pigeon or I'll sue you...and win. You'll lose your home and your farm - now give me the bird."

The old farmer shakes his head smiling.
"You don't understand friend" he says. "In these parts we still work on the old feudal system and under these laws we have a way of working out disputes. I kick you three times - you kick me three times - and so on 'till one of us gives up.

The Hot-shot lawyer sizes up to old farmer and reckons he can take him easily....so still pissed off he agrees.

Well - the farmer's first kick lands a size eleven hob-nailed boot firmly in the lawyer's groin and he falls to the floor in total agony.
The second kick connects with his jaw nearly removing it from his face. The third is planted into the kidney area.

The lawyer thinks he is about to die -he's in so much agony. But....reaching into the depths of his dark, lawyer's heart he somehow finds the strength to first, get to his knees and despite the searing pain manages to stand , albeit very shakily.

"Right you bastard" says the lawyer rubbing his hands "My turn"

The farmer smiles - "Nah - you win. You can keep the fuckin' bird"

 

[berkshire seagull]

Ha ha qualityyyyyyyy

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

lol

 

[Braders]

 

[On the Left Wing]

a final one for today:

His Holiness the Pope is visiting Brighton Beach, driving along the promenade in his 4x4 Popemobile, when he hears an enormous commotion just off the coast. The Papal party rush to see what's happening and, looking out to sea, the Pope notices a hapless man, wearing a Palace football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat, containing three men wearing Brighton football tops, roars into view from around the ruins of the West Pier. One of the Brighton men takes aim and fires a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.
The other two reach out and pull the Palace fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundle the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepare for a hasty retreat — until they hear the Pope's frantic shouting from the shore.

His Holiness summons the Brighton men to the beach, and upon them reaching the shore, goes into raptures about the rescue he has just witnessed and says -
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Brighton and Palace, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your city is a truly enlightened example of harmony and could serve as a model on which other cities could follow."

Having said his bit, and blessed them all again, the Pope drives off in a cloud of dust.

As he departs, the harpoonist asks his mates "Who was that"
"That," one answers, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well", the harpoonist replies, "he knows f*** all about shark fishing.................... how's the bait holding up?"