Goring Gull
New member
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
