Joke Du Jour

[Northstander]

The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericksson is on "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and
remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ?
Is it...
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?

Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."
Right, Sven, computer take away two wrong answers and see what you're
left with.
" Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'.I've got
Sven Goran Ericksson here, and with your help he could win one million
pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in
a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer.
" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million
Pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was
brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a
call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger
lives in a sett?"
Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives
in a clock"

 

[Brighton Breezy]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

 

[shingle]

Thats Class Northy

 

[chips and gravy]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

 

[chips and gravy]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples"