I swear this is genuine.

[Set of Tracksuits]

We received this CV today for a position as Network Administrator. I know there's a lot of "genuine" stuff like this out there but I think this guy is actually disturbed enough to write all this himself. In fact, if you have seen it before, let me know so that I can tell him he's neither original or clever.

By the way he used to work for us, and the letter has been edited significantly to make it postable in such polite company.

Let me know what you think, should he get the job? I quite admire his honesty.




Previous Employment

2001-2003 - Berkeley ‘shit-hole’ Morgan. Did IT support. Reason for leaving – after finding out about my meagre pay rise was highly pissed off. Also hated working with a f*cking Dutchman. Freaky Deaky Dutch Bastard.
2003-2004 – Luminar. Did IT again. F*cking hate IT. Anyway, my boss was a twat, f*cking southern nonce. I hate southerners.
2004- Present – Debtmatters. Doing IT again cos I can’t find owt else. Play champ manager all day and won back-to-back titles with Barcelona. Joyous.


Skills

Well, if you know me, you know that I am one of the laziest, bone-idle people you’re ever likely to meet. I just hate the thought of getting out of bed and actually doing SOME work. I couldn’t think of going to work and not sending emails all day, or not playing champ manager – to which I am f*cking king. My emailing skills are legendary. 180 IN ONE DAY. One f*cking day. Still a record. I’ve been known to take 3 hour lunches at pub. It has to be done. I have also fell asleep at work countless times. If there is anyone better at stealing things from work than me, then I want to know. I can rob ANYTHING. It’s so easy. I know bits about is it windows? I can’t remember now. Oh yeah and I know where the stuff goes in back of thingy. You can’t find a better employee than me. Seriously, I am the donkey’s cock.

Interests

I f*cking love drinking. It’s just ace. Getting completely pissed and vomiting in plant pots on xmas do’s. F*cking superb. Also, you take gambling away from me and I’ll chase you with a c*nting knife. I bet £100 I get this job. Love footy. Liverpool are f*cking ace, Burnley are wank. Inbred f*ckfaces. Enjoy taking big shits. The bigger the better. Especially after a curry – ring sting a plenty.

Referees

Mike ‘f*cking’ Riley – You c*ntfaced f*cking arsehead. If I ever f*cking see you I’ll rip your f*cking bollocks off with my garden claw. You f*ck.

Paul Durkin – Fat little ginger f*cker. Thinks he’s f*cking Hitler.

 

[CHAPPERS]

Give him it.

 

[SK1NT]

funny as it is! if u hire him and he fucks ur company up, it will be ur fault for hiring him! have a laugh at it, but dont hire the muppett!

 

[JJ McClure]

No, give the job to me instead.

 

[Gullet]

He sounds perfect.

 

[Set of Tracksuits]

No, give the job to me instead.

Are you a highly-qualified IT-type bloke who's prepared to move to Blackburn and be paid a pittance of a salary?

If so, you're in.

 

[Easy 10]

He has potential. Ask him where he see's himself in 3 years time.

 

[SK1NT]

give it to 80's


why dont people advertise jobs on here!

 

[looney]

Its so hard even to get a bloody interveiw I admire his approach, an interveiw would be interesting.

He's either clever=employ him

Genuine=call security and eject him.

 

[JJ McClure]

Are you a highly-qualified IT-type bloke who's prepared to move to Blackburn and be paid a pittance of a salary?

If so, you're in.

Blackburn.....pittance...erm well maybe not then

 

[SK1NT]

do the interview and sit back and watch the entertainment lol

 

[Titanic]

Do you, your department or your company want to be added to that sort of CV in the future ??

 

[Set of Tracksuits]

Do you, your department or your company want to be added to that sort of CV in the future ??

We already are, as I mentioned, he used to work for us. I won't say which one we are though!

 

[Titanic]

He's right about Paul Durkin though!

 

[looney]

We already are, as I mentioned, he used to work for us. I won't say which one we are though!

so is he a joker or Psyco? You should know.

 

[Set of Tracksuits]

We already are, as I mentioned, he used to work for us. I won't say which one we are though!

so is he a joker or Psyco? You should know.

well, that's the thing. no-one really remembers him that well, although we do have his name on our records. we've got quite a small IT department and quite a high turnover of staff.

i'm hoping, for his sake, that he's a joker.

 

[n1 gull]

Set of Tracksuits I know a major PC manufactuer is based just outside blackburn, are you anything to do with them?

 

[Braders]

that is class

 

[Set of Tracksuits]

Set of Tracksuits I know a major PC manufactuer is based just outside blackburn, are you anything to do with them?

No, sorry mate! By the way, I've changed the names of the companies he's listed as previous employers so as not to get anyone in trouble.

 

[Scoffers]

Looks like he could run the FA