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[Albion] Garth Crooks (made-up) Team of the Week 2023/24



The Optimist

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Apr 6, 2008
2,611
Lewisham
Pedro makes the cut this week, before Garth's diplomacy skills lay the groundwork for world peace.

Joao Pedro (Brighton): What a good game this was between Brighton and Nottingham Forest. When you play like Brighton did and win away from home you're entitled to celebrate with your fans. Joao Pedro came on for Ansu Fati after just 21 minutes and changed the game for the Seagulls. A brilliant header and coolly taken penalty by the Brazilian provided the visitors with the points. Steve Cooper was just as unhappy with the result as he was with Brighton manager Roberto de Zerbi forgetting to provide a handshake after the game, having got carried away in the euphoria. I'm sure it was nothing personal but a call on Monday morning offering Mr Cooper an apology wouldn't go amiss.​
2 sentences on Joao Pedro’s performance. 4 sentences about RDZ celebrating and not shaking Cooper’s hand (I’m counting the 1st sentence as setup for this).
 






Kalimantan Gull

Well-known member
Aug 13, 2003
12,923
Central Borneo / the Lizard
Not a single Villa player in his team of the week despite them getting the result of the weekend. One of their defenders even scored which is usually a shoe-in for getting in the TOTW. And Martinez' performance in goal was absolutely outstanding, you won't see many better this season, but he goes for Ederson because he played a nice pass. Daft man.
 




Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
14,847
2 sentences on Joao Pedro’s performance. 4 sentences about RDZ celebrating and not shaking Cooper’s hand (I’m counting the 1st sentence as setup for this).
Two sentences is probably above average, to be honest. Rambling old berk.
 






keaton

Big heart, hot blood and balls. Big balls
Nov 18, 2004
9,658
From f365 up write on Garth this week

City didn’t pay a fortune for him but still managed to uncover a gem.’
a) He cost £41m and is one of the most expensive centre-halves in Premier League history, and b) Manchester City ‘uncovered a gem’ that had more than 100 Premier League appearances and 15 Netherlands caps at the time.
 


Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
14,847
Did he forget there was a game on Monday night, or just dismiss it because it didn't involve the 'big' clubs, so knew there was no chance of any Fulham or Wolves players getting into the team?

Maybe he's already had a prior engagement for Monday night...
 




Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patron
May 8, 2007
12,780
Toronto
Did he forget there was a game on Monday night, or just dismiss it because it didn't involve the 'big' clubs, so knew there was no chance of any Fulham or Wolves players getting into the team?

Maybe he's already had a prior engagement for Monday night...
He does this every time the Monday night game doesn't feature a "big" team. It really does confirm he's stealing a living.
 


Bozza

You can change this
Helpful Moderator
Jul 4, 2003
55,726
Back in Sussex


Hamilton

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Jul 7, 2003
12,456
Brighton
Do you think they are even written?

I reckon the BBC has a random scoring player / winning team member generator with just some select soundbites in a content management system.
 




Uter

Well-known member
Aug 5, 2008
1,474
The land of chocolate
I've been keeping tabs on this nonsense:

1701691186703.png


Spare a thought for Dominic Solanke, Callum Wilson, and Hwang Hee-chan. 21 goals between them and just one appearance.

Predictably, Spurs are above Arsenal in Garth's world.

He really loves Everton, doesn't he?
 


Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
14,847
Do you think they are even written?

I reckon the BBC has a random scoring player / winning team member generator with just some select soundbites in a content management system.
I think someone writes them, but I'm not sure it's actually Garth all the time.
 






Easy 10

Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Jul 5, 2003
61,753
Location Location
Look, it's tricky when teams play twice in a week, but... but... Eze?!

Look - for Garth, if they score then they're in. Regardless.

He's been stealing a living as a "pundit / journalist" for as long as I can remember. If he was even semi-literate and competent he would at least have the odd appearance on MOTD or Football Focus. But he isn't, so he doesn't. The BBC keep him well buried from cameras. I can't remember the last time I saw him on my TV - something I am supremely grateful for.

He is about as self-aware of his intolerable pseudo-bollocks waffle as Alan Partridge, but without being remotely funny.
 


seagullwedgee

Well-known member
Aug 9, 2005
2,983
Sat next to him on a flight to Warsaw during the Euros 2012. Proper miserable grumpy bastard. Really unnecessarily so, no-one was pestering him, just a proper self-miserable CJTC.
 


Easy 10

Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Jul 5, 2003
61,753
Location Location
While I'm on, lets just remind ourselves of the moment in the 2002 World Cup, straight after a turgid 0-0 draw with Nigeria that got us out of the group (everyone knew for ALMOST A WEEK that we only needed a point), when Garth ambushed Sven on the touchline at the final whistle with the opening gambit:

"Well Sven, I can reveal that England HAVE qualified from the group...your thoughts ?"

Kinell :facepalm:
 


B-right-on

Living the dream
Apr 23, 2015
6,171
Shoreham Beaaaach
Look, it's tricky when teams play twice in a week, but... but... Eze?!



I've heard of blinkered reporting, but this is more like blindfolded reporting:
"Eberechi Eze (Crystal Palace): Crystal Palace's 3-2 win over Sheffield United was a fabulous game of football."

Didn't realise that fabulous was a synonym for shite?
 




ElectricNaz

Well-known member
Jan 23, 2013
839
Hampshire
Is Garth even on TV anymore? Is his literal job just picking 10 goalscorers and a goalkeeper once a week? Haven't seen him on TV for ages. He used to at least be on match of the day 1 or 2 didn't he?
 


Bakero

Languidly clinical
Oct 9, 2010
13,770
Almería
"However, when a team scores four goals away from home they are not just expected to win, they are entitled to win. The mere fact Luton scored four goals and still failed to take all three points raises massive questions about their ability to remain in the league."

A characteristically odd take.
 


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