Funny Court room questions/answers

[¡Cereal Killer!]

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: Good. What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Between milepost 498 and 500.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

 

[Locky]

 

[Everest]

So, so old.

But still raises a chuckle.

 

[Marc]

there was a good one ages ago doing the rounds about funny/stupid insurance claims, one thats stick innthe memory was of this Australian couple who claimed that their Swimming Pool had been stolen, they even provided pictures of a huge hole dug up in their back garden...thing was...they forgot to take out the pictures of them DIGGING the hole (to show off to their friends when they thought they would get it obviously)

 

[On the Left Wing]

A few more (my boss's daughter is a trainee solicitor!):

The following are actual statements made during court cases:

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another solicitor.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the duty solicitor isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to duty solicitor): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Duty solicitor: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Once upon a Christmas eve there were three men walking on the street, a poor solicitor, Santa Claus, and a rich solicitor. They were about to turn to another street when all three saw a £10 note lying on the ground.
Question: Who picks the money up?
Answer: The rich solicitor, because the other two don't exist!


Judge: "Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "Nope. My solicitor took every last penny."


Q: How can you tell that a solicitor is about to lie?
A: His lips begin to move."

Q: How can you tell the difference between a solicitor lying dead in the road and a fox lying dead in the road?
A: With the fox, you usually see skid marks."

Q: How many solicitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?"

Q: How many solicitors does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What do you have when a solicitor is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When solicitors die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a solicitor out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a solicitor from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break"?
A: When a busload of solicitors goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Have you heard about the solicitor's word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between female solicitors and terrorists?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists. "