[Misc] Advice: When a friend's wife dies

Seagull · Apr 16, 2019

Some good advice on here. Being present for your friend in whatever way appropriate is good. Don't know if this person died suddenly or after an illness (i.e. expected or unexpected) which will likely lead to a different emotional response for those left behind. It will be a maelstrom for everyone for a while. In a few weeks after the funeral etc., good to check in, see if any of the family need emotional support or a place to talk, maybe confidentially to someone. Too early for that right now, just be there.

Some possibly useful resources:
Macmillan https://www.macmillan.org.uk/inform...ng/at-the-end-of-life/coping-with-bereavement
Cruse https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/about-grief
NHS https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/coping-with-bereavement/

pearl · Apr 16, 2019

8049 said:
Hi everyone,
Time to ask the collective wisdom of NSC for some advice. A friend of mine's wife died last night. Their son plays in the same football team and goes to the same school as my son. I obviously want to help - and the club will too - but I really don't know where to start when something this devastating happens. All I can think of at the moment is to get Easter eggs for the kids which seems really lame.

If anyone has any advice to pass on, it will be very gratefully received.

Puts where we finish this season into perspective, too much f***ing perspective.

Only just read your post today and I don't think I can add to the helpful advice from NSC, but I do think the Easter Eggs are a good idea.
Imagine if they didn't get any, how would that make them feel.
If you come across a book called 'Grief Is The Thing With Feathers' by Max Porter I recommend it

Triggaaar · Apr 16, 2019

Seagull said:
Don't know if this person died suddenly or after an illness (i.e. expected or unexpected) which will likely lead to a different emotional response for those left behind.

Any idea on what some of the differences could be?

Seagull · Apr 16, 2019

Triggaaar said:
Any idea on what some of the differences could be?

If someone dies suddenly it's much more of a shock, you have no time to prepare for it, compared with someone dying after a long illness, say. We are all likely to go through grief in either situation, but in the latter case it might be easier to accept that what has happened is part of the normal passage of a life. When someone dies suddenly, or violently even, we can be left with lots of answered questions or suffer shock/trauma as a result.

Normally we work through our feelings over time (could be anger, denial, depression etc.) but sometimes a bereavement can also trigger more complex reactions. Examples of that could be that the response to someone dying brings back an unmourned loss from the past, or if a parent failed you, say, their passing can finally underline for you that no redemption or apology will ever be forthcoming.

When it's more complex or traumatic, then it can be good to speak to a professional, to help work things through.

pearl · Apr 17, 2019

Seagull said:
If someone dies suddenly it's much more of a shock, you have no time to prepare for it, compared with someone dying after a long illness, say. We are all likely to go through grief in either situation, but in the latter case it might be easier to accept that what has happened is part of the normal passage of a life. When someone dies suddenly, or violently even, we can be left with lots of answered questions or suffer shock/trauma as a result.

Normally we work through our feelings over time (could be anger, denial, depression etc.) but sometimes a bereavement can also trigger more complex reactions. Examples of that could be that the response to someone dying brings back an unmourned loss from the past, or if a parent failed you, say, their passing can finally underline for you that no redemption or apology will ever be forthcoming.

When it's more complex or traumatic, then it can be good to speak to a professional, to help work things through.

Your post is spot on.

Herr Tubthumper · Apr 17, 2019

Nottseagull said:
You think it's appropriate to send a present to a bereaved family? If you were in their situation, what would you think if an acquaintance unexpectedly presented you with such a gift?

I’d probably smile, and be grateful and thankful someone thought of me.

sydney · Apr 17, 2019

Triggaaar said:
Any idea on what some of the differences could be?

if the lady has passed away suddenly it will be a massive shock and will take days to truly sink in . if it is after a prolonged illness then although still devastating the guy and his lad may have had time to come to terms with things . Either way i am sorry for their loss , it is always awkward to know what to say but something is better than nothing . :down:

The Clamp · Apr 17, 2019

I unfortunately have similar experience of this when w e lost my brother suddenly leaving behind a wife and 6 year old lad.
Don’t stay away, listen to them and help with the day to day stuff. They are going to need time to absorb this, to be stunned, to freak out, to grieve. Give them time to do this. Try to avoid sitting around with the curtains drawn, drinking tea with sympathising relatives, it’s unhelpful and depressing.
And most importantly, if you offer help you must mean it and be available to help in any way, otherwise don’t offer.

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[Misc] Advice: When a friend's wife dies

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Seagull

Yes I eat anything

pearl

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Triggaaar

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Seagull

Yes I eat anything

pearl

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Herr Tubthumper

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sydney

tinky ****in winky

The Clamp

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