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[Humour] Joke du Jour



AmexRuislip

AmexRuislip

Trainee Spy 🕵️‍♂️
Feb 2, 2014
33,823
Ruislip
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible.'

What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' .

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'


Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.
 








Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo

Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo

Waxing chumps like candles since ‘75
Oct 4, 2003
11,089
Do you have the details of this pirate? I think we should set up a Go Fund Me page to help him get a proper prosthetic hand and leg. No one should have to walk around with a wooden leg or a hook for a hand in this day and age.
 


bhafc99

bhafc99

Well-known member
Oct 14, 2003
7,093
Dubai
So is he Captain Hook, or Captain Birds Eye? It’s not clear.
 




Frankie

Frankie

Put him in the curry
May 23, 2016
4,146
Mid west Wales
To go back to sea just one day after having a prosthetic hook fitted is just reckless behaviour, I doubt he will ever make it back to the pub the next time he decides to go to sea with that total disregard for health and safety, blooming idiot.
 


ConfusedGloryHunter

ConfusedGloryHunter

He/him/his/that muppet
Jul 6, 2011
2,047
At the end of the day piracy is robbery on water and as such I am glad the scumbag has suffered so much. It is just a pity the story doesn't end with him being dragged off to prison.
 


smillie's garden

smillie's garden

Am I evil?
Aug 11, 2003
2,602
This is an allegorical tale of what would probably happen if the Albion were to play Bristol Rovers again, isn't it?
 








Questions

Questions

Habitual User
Oct 18, 2006
24,896
Worthing
When we do a pirate accent we nearly always do a West Country accent…………….. all based on Robert Newton’s, Long John Silver.

Ps the joke was going fine till the punchline
 






Bry Nylon

Bry Nylon

Test your smoke alarm
Helpful Moderator
Jul 21, 2003
19,866
Playing snooker
AmexRuislip said:
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible.'

What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' .

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'


Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.
Click to expand...

Yeah, well he wasn't quite so chipper down the pub the next day after he'd had a w@nk
 






M

METALMICKY

Well-known member
Jan 30, 2004
6,081
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”

The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”
 


Baldseagull

Baldseagull

Well-known member
Jan 26, 2012
10,957
Crawley
Royal Navy board a Pirate ship, and find just the Captain stood on the deck. The RN ask him "Where are your Buccaneers?" the Pirate Captain says "Under me Bucking hat, now are we gonna fight or what?"
 




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