[Help] Advice on asking about dead relatives

jcdenton08 · Jun 15, 2021

My Dad died a few years back from cancer related illnesses, but was always coy about speaking about his parents. His elderly mother died in my lifetime when I was a child and knew her (albeit suffering badly with dementia and in full time care), but his father died when he was a mid teenager.

He has a living younger brother, and he and my aunt call semi regularly to check up. Next time they call, I wanted to breach the subject with him. To ask about my Grandad, what he did, just general stuff.

I'm not quite sure how to do this, basically. Has anyone else got any advice?

Change at Barnham · Jun 15, 2021

If you have children or hope to have children , maybe you could be asking on their behalf for their future knowledge.
Also maybe list some questions in advance that you could leave with them?
It might also be useful to establish who has his birth cert and wedding cert etc.

m@goo · Jun 15, 2021

You could start by saying you were thinking about doing one of those family tree sites and wondered if they could give you info like military service, past occupations and places he's lived then that might progress into more conversation.

I'd suspect though that your dad was probably coy for a reason and if it affected him it may have also affected your uncle so he may also be resistant to open up.

Weststander · Jun 15, 2021

What about saying you’d like to prepare a family tree to learn more, informally asking a few questions and testing the water to see if he wants to open up.

Just an idea.

Normal Rob · Jun 15, 2021

Be open, honest and ask. It's natural to want to know.

m@goo · Jun 15, 2021

Normal Rob said:
Be open, honest and ask. It's natural to want to know.

This is what I'd go with. Just tell them you want to know more about your grandad but your dad was reluctant, does your uncle know why?

Papak · Jun 15, 2021

jcdenton08 said:
My Dad died a few years back from cancer related illnesses, but was always coy about speaking about his parents. His elderly mother died in my lifetime when I was a child and knew her (albeit suffering badly with dementia and in full time care), but his father died when he was a mid teenager.

He has a living younger brother, and he and my aunt call semi regularly to check up. Next time they call, I wanted to breach the subject with him. To ask about my Grandad, what he did, just general stuff.

I'm not quite sure how to do this, basically. Has anyone else got any advice?

I'm surmising but assuming there are potentially skeletons in the closet?

I have the same issue, my Uncle died many years ago and he is almost never mentioned. I think he was gay but I've not been brave enough to ask my parents or maybe my sister who might have similar thoughts.

Good luck.

Elbow750 · Jun 15, 2021

I'd just take it easy and ask casually first. Start by talking about what you remember, good times, funny stories about your Dad and his Mum and judge the reaction when you ask about your Grandad. Any hint of reluctance don't press or push it.

As they call in quite regularly I'm sure they'll be fine, and probably happy to share memories.

Good luck, and yes why not do a family tree and search out birth certificates, census records etc. It's great fun and really fascinating.

I discovered my Grandad's name wasn't actually Tom like i'd thought and that he was wounded at Paschandale (only took minutes to find his war records). No wonder he drank so much beer.

spongy · Jun 15, 2021

If you have a good relationship with them just ask them outright. If they're just doing it as they feel obliged too (so many families drift apart after a death) then tread carefully would be my advice.

You say your dad was coy about it. He may just have been one of the those people that don't open up and talk about family and there's nothing to hide or really be coy about....

maltaseagull · Jun 15, 2021

jcdenton08 said:
My Dad died a few years back from cancer related illnesses, but was always coy about speaking about his parents. His elderly mother died in my lifetime when I was a child and knew her (albeit suffering badly with dementia and in full time care), but his father died when he was a mid teenager.

He has a living younger brother, and he and my aunt call semi regularly to check up. Next time they call, I wanted to breach the subject with him. To ask about my Grandad, what he did, just general stuff.

I'm not quite sure how to do this, basically. Has anyone else got any advice?

Looking at the answers so far, I agree with asking about a family tree. I wish I had asked when I was younger as there is only me and my brother left now and he knows less than I do.

jcdenton08 · Jun 15, 2021

Thank you all

GT49er · Jun 15, 2021

Ask away! Once your Uncle is gone, all the memories will have gone too, unless they've been passed on to you.

blue'n'white · Jun 16, 2021

ASK !! I wish I had - not that I think there were any skeletons or anything but we've been trying to do a family tree and, whilst I've got quite a lot of stuff that my Dad had done there are gaps. I did manage to ask my aunt before she died and she provided a few things and I've had contact (on Ancestry) from cousins I knew nothing about. It can be a fascinating subject - it can also take up an awful lot of time and the summer isn't really the time to do it - the long winter evenings that start at about 3pm are much better for leaning over a computer ! Good luck

zefarelly · Jun 16, 2021

I have an odd family tree due to adoption (mother) but also grandfather on my fathers side was an arse and went Awol. I know enough, although mot who my maternal grandfather is/was other than worked in a bank in Bognor after the war. . .Mt natural maternal grandmother only died in Bondai where she'd lived since '59, a few years ago just shy of 90. I lost my Dad 17 years ago very young, dnever got to ask him much about his childhood/youth. I don't think it was great.

You must ask, A subtle start may prove better than a blunt potentially difficult question.

The Clamp · Jun 16, 2021

jcdenton08 said:
My Dad died a few years back from cancer related illnesses, but was always coy about speaking about his parents. His elderly mother died in my lifetime when I was a child and knew her (albeit suffering badly with dementia and in full time care), but his father died when he was a mid teenager.

He has a living younger brother, and he and my aunt call semi regularly to check up. Next time they call, I wanted to breach the subject with him. To ask about my Grandad, what he did, just general stuff.

I'm not quite sure how to do this, basically. Has anyone else got any advice?

Just ask outright with no build up or waffle. Family members aren’t around forever and before you know it, the chance is gone. Unfortunately, I know what I’m talking about on this one.

dejavuatbtn · Jun 16, 2021

Anyone can request a death certificate of anyone. It will cost a bit but lifetime illnesses/issues causing death should show up on it.

GT49er · Jun 16, 2021

blue'n'white said:
ASK !! I wish I had - not that I think there were any skeletons or anything but we've been trying to do a family tree and, whilst I've got quite a lot of stuff that my Dad had done there are gaps. I did manage to ask my aunt before she died and she provided a few things and I've had contact (on Ancestry) from cousins I knew nothing about. It can be a fascinating subject - it can also take up an awful lot of time and the summer isn't really the time to do it - the long winter evenings that start at about 3pm are much better for leaning over a computer ! Good luck

Don't worry about possible skeletons. The shame often fades with time - indeed, might almost become a bit romantic/or like a badge of honour/or a sort of thrill like watching horror movies. I knew of one man who found that three of his ancestors had been hung for sheep stealing - and he made no secret of it - and another whose ancestor had been burned as a witch. He wrote a song about her!

smudge · Jun 16, 2021

I know next to nothing about my old mans side of the family. He "went out for a paper" when I was 11, so not much of a sh*t given about it since then.
Recently, an Auntie that I never even knew existed got in touch after seeing something about me on the Lewes Past FB page. She lives in Canada. The shock news, her husband, so my Uncle, is f*****g Palace!
Wrong uns that side of the family.

blue'n'white · Jun 16, 2021

smudge said:
I know next to nothing about my old mans side of the family. He "went out for a paper" when I was 11, so not much of a sh*t given about it since then.
Recently, an Auntie that I never even knew existed got in touch after seeing something about me on the Lewes Past FB page. She lives in Canada. The shock news, her husband, so my Uncle, is f*****g Palace!
Wrong uns that side of the family.

I feel your pain !

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[Help] Advice on asking about dead relatives

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