Gilliver's Travels
Peripatetic
Every game, it's always the same. Whenever a corner is taken, and the ball is arcing menacingly over the penalty box, some unseen voice bellows, at deafening volume, "Awaaay!!" .
Not just any old voice, this one has all the menacingly strangled articulation of a barking mad drill-sergeant. Doesn't matter where the game's being played either: Southampton or South Shields; Celtic Park or Fratton Park. And for all I know, Portslade or Port Said; same voice, everywhere.
Surely, all this unsettlingly feral bellowing does seem a tad superfluous. Ask yourself: how many times do seasoned professional defenders really need reminding of the required direction in which the ball must be propelled in order to prevent a goal? Might they otherwise turn to face the wrong way and head it triumphantly into their own net?
I've decided it has to be the same bloke, there at every game. Somehow able to travel simultaneously, Santa-like, to all points of the globe in order to deliver this very sensible advice to the halfbacks – and indeed halfwits - of the world. .
And don't tell me it's actually only the home goalkeeper. Were that the case, he might expect in exchange from his defenders, when facing a penalty kick, or a swerving cross, a sarcastic chorus of "Catch it!". Doesn't happen.
If you don't believe me, listen to Match of the Day tonight.
Not just any old voice, this one has all the menacingly strangled articulation of a barking mad drill-sergeant. Doesn't matter where the game's being played either: Southampton or South Shields; Celtic Park or Fratton Park. And for all I know, Portslade or Port Said; same voice, everywhere.
Surely, all this unsettlingly feral bellowing does seem a tad superfluous. Ask yourself: how many times do seasoned professional defenders really need reminding of the required direction in which the ball must be propelled in order to prevent a goal? Might they otherwise turn to face the wrong way and head it triumphantly into their own net?
I've decided it has to be the same bloke, there at every game. Somehow able to travel simultaneously, Santa-like, to all points of the globe in order to deliver this very sensible advice to the halfbacks – and indeed halfwits - of the world. .
And don't tell me it's actually only the home goalkeeper. Were that the case, he might expect in exchange from his defenders, when facing a penalty kick, or a swerving cross, a sarcastic chorus of "Catch it!". Doesn't happen.
If you don't believe me, listen to Match of the Day tonight.
