[Help] Marriage Split

Alba Badger · Oct 5, 2020

Hello All. Help needed from the vast experience on here. Looks like me and Mrs Badger are splitting up. We have 2 kids, mortgage etc. I pay for most stuff but she does have a pretty well paid part time job but she's not great with money.

I wanted to know if anyone has any advice on where to start with all this, pit falls to avoid etc... I have listed all my incomings outgoings etc. so I know where I am. I have offered to a fair amount more than the child support calculator says I would have to for my kids each month but My Mrs seems to think I should pay more. She wants to do something called Collaborative Family Law rather than mediation. We are being reasonable enough but I think she could turn nasty if she doesn’t get what she wants. I want to keep trying but she’s adamant that we split, I feel a bit lost, help please.

peterward · Oct 5, 2020

Sorry first. It's never easy or pretty. Especially where kids are involved. I had it too in 2012.

Same had no idea what to do, best resource bar none I was given was this site called wikivorce.

https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

It explains all processes in detail, there's 2 seperate divorces required, so to speak, you need both divorce which ends marriage and financial settlement which ends financial ties. The two are seperate processes.

The second bit is very important because if you don't get that done your soon to be ex wife could come along in 10 years and take half of everything legally, if you inherit or win the lottery she is still entitled to half without it.

With kids involved you won't get the financial bit done without all kids maintenance settlement and property split sorted, the court will need to agree to what you negotiate and stamp it.

It doesn't have to be 50/50 the court will look and as long as they agree it's broadly fair they will stamp if you both agreed. If it was 90/10 they may not.

For that, if it's amicable? You can save a fortune by sitting down as adults and working out who gets what and what arrangements will be made the kids, all forms are available as packs on wikivorce... If you DIY stuff, you'll save a packet on legal fees.

The marriage divorce is the easy bit, no need for reasons anymore,. Just apply then it goes to decree nisi (a cooling off window) then decree absolute, you're now not married and could re marry. But you are still financially joined with full rights to each others wealth and assets until you do financial settlement.

PM if I can help buddy, it's a minefield mixed with all those emotions, but wikivorce is a great start and you do much without high priced solicitors if you can sit down together as adults and work it out.

AmexRuislip · Oct 5, 2020

Sorry to hear your news.
Hope this helps

https://www.northstandchat.com/show...al-advice-family-law&highlight=marriage+split

portslade seagull · Oct 5, 2020

Probably be worthwhile visiting the citizens advice team ( if open ). They can be quite helpful and point you in the right direction

HantsSeagull · Oct 5, 2020

Spend a couple of hundred quid and get some proper legal advice for yourself from a family law/divorce solicitor.

Tom Hark Preston Park · Oct 5, 2020

Sorry to hear that mate. Marriage breakups suck. But, although it might seem impossible to believe at the moment, it DOES get better. Very best advice I could give you is always be there for your kids. Even if a marriage/relationship doesn't always work out, your kids are your kids forever. Try and keep things as amicable as possible, and if it's not possible, at least try not to get into an extended slanging match via solicitors who will be happy to take your money all day long writing expensive and ultimately pointless letters. Good luck and take care

nwgull · Oct 5, 2020

It's good that you realise that it will probably turn nasty if/when she doesn't get what she wants. First thing to do is accept that it's over and get yourself a solicitor; do not try to go through any of this process yourself - you will get screwed. Solicitors are obliged to give you a free 30 min consultation to discuss your situation, so you can get a bit of prelim info on what your obligations will be and you'll also be able from that judge for yourself if you then want to engage them. Although recommendations from friends, family and NSC would be a good place to start. Her idea of collaborative mediation is basically your and her solicitor coming up with a legally binding agreement that you both happy with. It will save you thousands in court fees, so unless she goes completely batshit, it's a good option (and the one I took).

Hate to be cynical, but the fact that she's adamant about splitting up indicates that there may be more to this than meets the eye - i.e that there may be someone else. Doesn't actually make any difference in the divorce proceedings, but it does help to be pre warned to an extent. I'm talking from personal experience here, so for what it's worth, it was actually quite useful to know that she had cheated on me as it really drew a line under everything for me and made me far more determined and certain that I wanted to get the whole process over and done with and get on with my life.

Uh_huh_him · Oct 5, 2020

Don't go in with the attitude you will pay more than you should.
Your circumstances may change you may remarry and start a second family.
You will be committed to whatever the final settlement is.

It's worrying that your wife doesn't think that more than she is entitled to is enough.
I suspect she has taken some very poor advice already if she has expectations on what she will get from the settlement.

The big factor in financial settlement is how many nights the kids will be staying with you.
She may be able to control that if you believe the kids will be with you 3 nights a week and she thinks they will be with her 7 nights a week, then the maintenance figures will be wildly different.

Make sure you are both on the same page regarding custody arrangements.

peterward · Oct 5, 2020

This. The only winners if it gets into a bitter slanging match are the solicitors who will milk the situation to the tune of many thousands.

Do it in stages with the kids mum, if it breaks down, have a few days breather and go again or shelve contentious bits till later, get the bulk agreed and you'll save a lot of heartache, goodwill and money.

Blue3 · Oct 5, 2020

I feel so sorry for you the Childrean and your wife just make sure you don't leave any stone unturned in an effort to resolve issues, you have made financial lists make lists of the issues it might not be as unsolvable as it first looks, you both have to give relate a chance first good

Hastings gull · Oct 5, 2020

Looking at it from a teaching perspective, do please try to avoid (both of you, that is!) using the children as weapons to get one over each other -in front of the kids it has to be sweetness and light; admittedly this is not always easy, I fully appreciate, but if the kids are to get through it all, then this is what MUST happen. If they become resentful against one of you, stoked by the other, then everyone loses.

Springal · Oct 5, 2020

Don't get drawn into being 'nice' with the hope this can be used to form a good relationship. Don't rush into any kind of agreement where you come out worse off than you need to.

Brian Parsons · Oct 5, 2020

Firstly sorry to hear of your problem. Went through this in 1972 when things were very different but I agree with others and get yourself a good solicitor that specializes in marital breakdowns. The first thing mine did was announce on the public notice board that you are no longer responsible for any debts incurred by your wife. That costs nothing but can save you a fortune later. Relate can offer counselling also worth a try.

Sent from my SM-A505FN using Tapatalk

peterward · Oct 5, 2020

I tried relate counselling before divorce because my mum said I should at least try. Personally found it a load of psycho babble.

Relate to me. Tell your wife what youre thinking now.

Me...... say what your thinking

Relate to ex wife. And how does that make you feel.

Ex wife. Says what she wants

Relate to me. And how do you feel about what your ex wife just said

And continue ad nauseum

Like a verbal tennis umpire, really didn't do anything for me personally.

zefarelly · Oct 5, 2020

GOod point . . . . I'm 49 and can instantly recall my parents rowing as a preamble to divorce. regularly. I was 6, it was very upsetting.

spence · Oct 5, 2020

I can't offer any advice on this but wishing you all the best fella.

Guinness Boy · Oct 5, 2020

Sorry to hear this. Many on here have been through this and I'm sure you'll get some good advice.

One of my best mates is currently getting divorced - his ex is another of my best mates and our daughters are fairly inseperable. I've immediately taken the position that I will not take sides and that I will not repeat back to the other, something they have told me. Over the last few months I've found we are almost the only ones of their friends to be able to do so, pretty much everyone else will take sides. But it's allowed me to observe that the biggest battles will be over money and that the mental health of both of them is better when they are being civil to one another and not fighting. They also worked out an access routine to the kids as soon as my mate moved out and have stuck to it.

Hope this helps and best wishes.

Gwylan · Oct 5, 2020

Absolutely this. My parents tried to get use us as weapons during their divorce - inviting us to pick a side. Both my sister and I were badly scared by the experience.

Never, ever involve the kids in the divorce and don't ask them to choose sides. The chances are they love both of you equally and will continue to do so, they should take priority

Westdene Seagull · Oct 5, 2020

I've not yet read the other responses but a number of points to consider :

1. You're in a sensitive place at the moment - before you agree to anything step back and think. Many partners ( and I'm sorry to say a vast majority being men ) agree to something they later regret. All because they feel 'guilty'.

2. Make sure you get complete financial separation .... including pensions and inheritance.

3. Unless you really, really, really, really have to, don't employ a solicitor .... most will rince you.

4. Do NOT involve the children .... you should both have equal access rights. Also don't fall for the "primary carer" bollocks some solicitors ( always for the mother ) parrot.

5. Make sure you agree exactly when maintenance will end - it saves arguments later around "well John is going to Uni and still living with me so you need to continue paying". If necessary agree to support your children directly once they are 18.

6. Mediation is OK but be aware it tends to be in the favour of the mother. Before any meeting make sure you have written down what your expectations are and stick to them ( obviously make sure they are reasonable ). The mediator will try persuade you to give more.

Other than that, the very best of luck. It is a very trying, emotive and stressful time. Feel free to PM me if you need to sound off or need further advice .... I'd suggest going for a beer but Yapton is a tad far !

nwgull · Oct 5, 2020

Number 3 is terrible advice. The rest is all good. Solicitors aren't cheap, but they will ensure that you don't end up paying for the rest of your life.

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