[Misc] Emotional control - help needed

Shropshire Seagull · Sep 4, 2020

My elder daughter gets married tomorrow ...
I've written my speech and have been practising all yesterday.
Problem is, I can't get through it without welling up in certain places.
Has anyone got any practical suggestions for where I can't put my mind to help stop this?
I fear that with alcohol in my system it will also be a fair bit worse.

For example, the is a well know suggestion for nervous public speakers to imagine your audience are all fully naked - too many friends and family involved to make that work.
Anyways, its not nerves that's the problem, it's emotions.

Please help [serious and sensible options only please - this is no joking matter]

Kalimantan Gull · Sep 4, 2020

I think people will be moved by you welling up, just go with it! Have a little joke ready for when you recover, humour is always the best remedy and that will put everybody back at ease

Congratulations btw, my two daughters are growing up so fast it'll be my turn soon!

sams dad · Sep 4, 2020

Don’t worry about it, I’m sure everyone will understand if you get a bit emotional, it shows that you are a loving and caring father.
You won’t be the first dad to well up when giving your speech, and I’m sure you won’t be the last.

Springal · Sep 4, 2020

Difficult one, but definitely try and lay off the booze a bit before. With public speaking try and stay calm, don’t rush through it and just focus on speaking loudly / clearly.

The more you know the speech the better too. Not really sure specifically how to control emotions so not sure how much help this is but given it’s the wedding of your daughter is some emotions a bad thing ?

Bry Nylon · Sep 4, 2020

Shropshire Seagull said:
My elder daughter gets married tomorrow ...
I've written my speech and have been practising all yesterday.
Problem is, I can't get through it without welling up in certain places.
Has anyone got any practical suggestions for where I can't put my mind to help stop this?
I fear that with alcohol in my system it will also be a fair bit worse.

For example, the is a well know suggestion for nervous public speakers to imagine your audience are all fully naked - too many friends and family involved to make that work.
Anyways, its not nerves that's the problem, it's emotions.

Please help [serious and sensible options only please - this is no joking matter]

1. Don't drink alcohol before you have to deliver the speech.
2. Imagine you are simply playing a part in a film
3. Read the bits that 'get you' emotionally many, many times to yourself before you have to deliver it, to lessen their emotional impact when yo have to do it at the event.
4. Finally, try not to worry about it.
5. Have a great day.

BBassic · Sep 4, 2020

I read somewhere that you can look at the spaces between people, rather than directly at people, to help with nerves.

As for holding back tears maybe try biting the inside of your cheek? I know actors do that to stop themselves from laughing during a take. Might work for this as well.

Javeaseagull · Sep 4, 2020

Having been through this my only advice is to keep it as brief as possible. Pretty sure everybody will be grateful! May well help to keep the emotions in check. Hope this helps and good luck.

Acker79 · Sep 4, 2020

Use one of those text to speech devices to record the emotional bits, and each bit say, "I struggle saying this bit without getting emotional... so listen to this instead". It will be humorous, memorable. And you can show you're a human being with emotions and cry away and everyone will be all 'awwww!'

Brightonfan1983 · Sep 4, 2020

Springal said:
The more you know the speech the better too.

Bry Nylon said:
3. Read the bits that 'get you' emotionally many, many times to yourself before you have to deliver it, to lessen their emotional impact when yo have to do it at the event.

Yes - Learn Your Lines!

Have a great day

Doc Lynam · Sep 4, 2020

Don’t lock your knees, take slow deep breaths, realise if you panic this isn’t you but a part of your brain that is involved in fight or flight, this isn’t who you are and just observe it from a distance if possible. Try not to focus on the emotional content that will already bleed through just try and be clear.

Most importantly breath, slowly if you can.

Bry Nylon · Sep 4, 2020

Visualisation is also a great technique used by many sports people and actors and other people who need to perform and keep it together 'in the moment.' Most golfers who have ever won a major or tennis players who have won a grand slam have sunk that final putt or played that final point over and over in their heads a million times before they have even entered the tounament.

Visualise yourself giving the speech exactly how you want to to deliver it and how that will feel and the response you want. At the moment it seems (quite understandably) that you are visualising how you don't want to deliver it - and guess what happens then? So focus your mental energy on visualising your perfect outcome to stop your emotions from taking over when the moment comes.

Swansman · Sep 4, 2020

Dont drink too much, if anything it all. Save the booze for after. Well up, you might not want it (who does?) but when it happens, it happens for logical reasons and everyone will understand and however reluctant you may be to cry in front of people, you need to understand its both okay, common and entirely logical. Once you are fine with the idea that it will happen but still want to remain at least relatively steady and in control... you can try to avoid eye contact when you are holding your speech. And feel free about joking about being emotional, as it could take the edge off of it.

Mellor 3 Ward 4 · Sep 4, 2020

Good Luck to you - I'm sure you'll be fine - keep practising today - and if you well up a bit - who cares it's an emotional time for you.

My only piece of advice is to take it slowly.

Icy Gull · Sep 4, 2020

Roll with it, nothing wrong with emotions coming out. Enjoy the day, I had similar problems before my daughter’s wedding coupled with the fact that I absolutely hate public speaking. All went very well for me but, as suggested by a few on here, didn’t drink until the speech was over.

Good Luck, you’ll wonder what all the angst was about when you’ve made your speech :thumbsup:

Oh and I read from a script, there is no way I would have coped just playing it off the cuff and by memory

ChickenBaltiPie · Sep 4, 2020

I’m an actor. Surprisingly, I have to do this on a regular basis, depending upon the material, and you know what I do, genuinely, I do this! .....If I’m struggling to get emotional and the material isn’t quite doing it for me, I think about my grandmothers death (I generally try and weave my grandmothers death into the characters back story somehow) and yes, I know this is awful, Infact it’s terrible, but it REALLY works, if I wanna stop myself getting emotional, I think about my grandmother squeezing one out on the toilet. It’s horrendous, I know, I know, but it works!! SORRY!

WATFORD zero · Sep 4, 2020

I've done a fair amount of public speaking, often with large audiences, and am normally fine with it, but even the idea of giving a Father of the Bride speech for my daughter and I'm an emotional wreck

Sorry I can't be of any help, but there are some good suggestions on here and I'm sure whatever happens it will be fine.

Hope you all have a great day :clap:

*edit* Except for the suggestion above which, although it may work, is just so wrong :lolol:

FatSuperman · Sep 4, 2020

Javeaseagull said:
Having been through this my only advice is to keep it as brief as possible. Pretty sure everybody will be grateful! May well help to keep the emotions in check. Hope this helps and good luck.

With the greatest of respect, I would suggest the opposite.
[MENTION=3125]Shropshire Seagull[/MENTION]

This moment will likely (hopefully) come along only once and will be over before you know it - savour it. You do not want to look back and think that you rushed it, because you were worried about what other people will think - and I'm sure the vast majority that actually know and love the couple, will want to listen to you. Bry Nylon's advice above is spot on, and I would go for that.

I'd reinforce that you shouldn't worry about getting emotional, it's an entirely human response and it simply shows how much it means to you. When the time comes for me to speak at my daughters wedding I will be a wreck. I was a bit of a mess when I did the speech for my own wedding, when I turned to my young son (wife's son before we met, whom I adopted) and told him how much he meant to me, I ended up stumbling through it, with pretty much everybody in the room in tears. This sort of thing can have anywhere from a profound to zero impact on people - but in my opinion, it is never, ever a negative thing.

Best of luck!

Silverhatch · Sep 4, 2020

Breathe and take your time. If it feels very slow to you, it'll sound normal to the audience

PandA · Sep 4, 2020

Hi Shropshire. I understand exactly how you feel. A lot of the time we get emotional in these circumstances because we're articulating thoughts that have significant resonance for us. Words can sometimes make thoughts, dreams and/or feelings more real and as such can have an overwhelming impact on our emotional state. We hear ourselves saying the words and realisation dawns that what we're saying is true. This then becomes part of reality rather than just hidden thoughts. Compound that with having to express this in public and that reality becomes shared - hence the heightened emotional impact. A father giving a speech at his daughters wedding is typically expressing an acceptance of passing time, deep love and tranference of protection. When the reality of all this becomes verbalised, you get the emotional reaction. It's human to display that emotion. As others have said - it shows you as the man you are: a loving father who wants to let his daughter and the others who are sharing her day know how you feel about her and her new life. Being concerned about welling up also shows your caring side - you don't want attention on her big day . However, you well up because you care and everybody will understand. Say your words, mean them, be emotional if that's what happens. She'll love you all the more for it because she'll see the reality in your words as well. If there's ever a day not to hide your emotion - it's your daughters wedding day.

Having said all that - breathing is important! We can forget to breathe properly when we speak publicly - so stand up straight, take it slowly and breathe through the words. Take pauses and little breaks. Look around the room and eyeball people as you speak. As has been mentioned - do try and learn as much of the speech as you can. The point of all of this is not to supress your emotions but to say what you want to say despite your emotions. Have a great day and enjoy the fact that you have this chance to say what you need to to your daughter and her partner.

HantsSeagull · Sep 4, 2020

i had to do the eulogy at my dads funeral (not quite the same thing i grant you). I read through it numerous times and couldnt get through without breaking down. My tips would be avoid alcohol beforehand and try to approach the emotional bits with some humour.

the actual terror of speaking to that many people will probably sort you out tbh - it worked for me.

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