[Humour] Phrases you never thought you would use

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• #1

I was rudely awoken this morning to be told that a cat posted as missing on Facebook is on our shed. Of course I have to do the Facebook stuff so I found the post and send them a message. Didn't twig until I had sent it. My message said

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

 

Stat Brother

Well-known member

NSC Patron

Jul 11, 2003

73,664

West west west Sussex

• Apr 2, 2020

• #2

Any sentences or phrases involving the words furlough, furloughed and furloughing.

 

Tom Hark Preston Park

Will Post For Cash

Jul 6, 2003

70,151

• Apr 2, 2020

• #3

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

 

Mellotron

I've asked for soup

Jul 2, 2008

31,835

Brighton

• Apr 2, 2020

• #4

“Are you around for a online quiz tonight?”

“Sorry, already booked in for another one.”

My quiz life has never been so bustling. Imagine taking most snapshots of life now out of context, and playing them to yourself from 6 months ago. You’d be SO confused.

 

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• Thread starter
• #5

Stat Brother said:

Any sentences or phrases involving the words furlough, furloughed and furloughing.

Click to expand...

My girlfriend is adamant she has been furlonged.

 

hart's shirt

Well-known member

Jul 8, 2003

10,168

Kitbag in Dubai

• Apr 2, 2020

• #6

Dick Swiveller said:

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

Click to expand...

You do sound all shook up.

 

Tim Over Whelmed

Well-known member

NSC Patron

Jul 24, 2007

10,188

Arundel

• Apr 2, 2020

• #7

Tom Hark said:

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

Click to expand...

Had the same, our elderly neighbour wanted fine green beans, no substitutes, fine green beans! Oh, and Shiraz, don't for get the Shiraz!

 

Tim Over Whelmed

Well-known member

NSC Patron

Jul 24, 2007

10,188

Arundel

• Apr 2, 2020

• #8

Dick Swiveller said:

My girlfriend is adamant she has been furlonged.

Click to expand...

There's is a "length" joke here but I don't know you well enough

 

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• Thread starter
• #9

Tim Over Whelmed said:

There's is a "length" joke here but I don't know you well enough

Click to expand...

At least you didn't go with Short Head.

 

hart's shirt

Well-known member

Jul 8, 2003

10,168

Kitbag in Dubai

• Apr 2, 2020

• #10

Dick Swiveller said:

My girlfriend is adamant

Click to expand...

Does she Stand and Deliver?

 

P

Pogue Mahone

Well-known member

Apr 30, 2011

10,733

• Apr 2, 2020

• #11

Tom Hark said:

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

Click to expand...

That's the most Scottish thing I 've ever seen you write.

 

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• Thread starter
• #12

Tom Hark said:

'Two courgettes please'

That'll teach me to go shopping for my 75 year old neighbour at the Open Market. Still, taking the positives, I now know what a courgette looks like

Click to expand...

Gem lettuce and cherry tomatoes for MIL. Never knew she was that picky.

 

madinthehead

I have changed this

Jan 22, 2009

1,752

Oberursel, Germany

• Apr 2, 2020

• #13

hart's shirt said:

Does she Stand and Deliver?

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Ridicule is nothing to be scared of..

 

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• Thread starter
• #14

hart's shirt said:

Does she Stand and Deliver?

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Only for Prince Charming.

 

Is it PotG?

Thrifty non-licker

Feb 20, 2017

23,299

Sussex by the Sea

• Apr 2, 2020

• #15

Dick Swiveller said:

I was rudely awoken this morning to be told that a cat posted as missing on Facebook is on our shed. Of course I have to do the Facebook stuff so I found the post and send them a message. Didn't twig until I had sent it. My message said

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

Click to expand...

Please be careful, I don't know if this is a scam or not, but I just had a phone call with a (clearly) recorded voice saying I've won a competition and could choose either £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute show, after a short pause it then said press one for the money or two for the show.

 

Harry Wilson's tackle

Harry Wilson's Tackle

NSC Patron

Oct 8, 2003

49,927

Faversham

• Apr 2, 2020

• #16

Dick Swiveller said:

I was rudely awoken this morning to be told that a cat posted as missing on Facebook is on our shed. Of course I have to do the Facebook stuff so I found the post and send them a message. Didn't twig until I had sent it. My message said

I think Elvis is currently on our shed

Status - currently awaiting the men in white coats

Click to expand...

I think you'll find that by now, Elvis has left the building.

 

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• Thread starter
• #17

Is it PotG? said:

Please be careful, I don't know if this is a scam or not, but I just had a phone call with a (clearly) recorded voice saying I've won a competition and could choose either £250 or 2 tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute show, after a short pause it then said press one for the money or two for the show.

Click to expand...

Don't worry. I have told the cat not to crap on my blue suede shoes. You can do anything, I told it. But keep your backside off of my blue suede shoes. I think it might have gone next door now so it is In The Ghetto. (Meow)

 

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• Thread starter
• #18

Anyone have a contact for the Sunday Sport? Status is now upgraded to

Elvis is currently licking his balls on my shed

 

Dick Swiveller

Well-known member

Sep 9, 2011

9,155

• Apr 2, 2020

• Thread starter
• #19

Harry Wilson's tackle said:

I think you'll find that by now, Elvis has left the building.

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Sadly, you are right. Elvis has left the shed.

 

hans kraay fan club

The voice of reason.

Helpful Moderator

Mar 16, 2005

61,279

Chandlers Ford

• Apr 2, 2020

• #20

Dick Swiveller said:

My girlfriend is adamant she has been furlonged.

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Nobody likes a BRAGGART, Dick.