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[Humour] Your favourite one liners



Icy Gull

Back on the rollercoaster
Jul 5, 2003
72,015
Let’s lift the gloom of coronavirus and Albion’s dire predicament with some of your favourite one liners/comebacks/put downs

I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong

I’m trying my hardest to see things from your perspective but I just can’t get my head that far up my arse

Peter Crouch on being asked what he’d be if he wasn’t a footballer

A virgin
 








Eeyore

Lord Donkey of Queen's Park
NSC Patreon
Apr 5, 2014
23,381
My favourite from last year, although not quite a one liner..(Copied from my diary)

Me: ''I suppose being at Worthing hospital means I've finally reached later life"
Nurse: "I don't get ID'd anymore"
Me "Mm"
Nurse "You're supposed to say 'REALLY ?'
Me: "Especially as you're the one with the needle"
Nurse: "I might struggle to get blood here...."
 












NooBHA

Well-known member
Jan 13, 2015
8,584
My favorite line was in the film '' Ghost ''

When Patrick Swazye said to Whoopi Goldberg ''get a pen and write the it down ''

Whoopi Goldberg responds with - ''I aint no God Damned Secretary''

I have used it many time as a '' come back '' when someone asks me to do something in a hurry. Absolute belter of a response.
 


FIVESTEPS

Well-known member
Nov 3, 2014
357
George Melly to Mick Jagger"god your wrinkled"

Mick Jagger "they are not wrinkles they're laughter lines"

George Melly "nothings that funny"
 






Bold Seagull

strong and stable with me, or...
Mar 18, 2010
29,719
Hove
The wife threw me out and as I was leaving down the drive she shouted 'I hope you die a slow and painful death'.
I replied 'oh you want me to stay now do you.'
 


Harry Wilson's tackle

Harry Wilson's Tackle
NSC Patreon
Oct 8, 2003
49,341
Faversham
My favourite one liner chat up line that always bagged me a filly was;
" I have a purple dome that needs a home"
Knocked em bandy.

Have you any other jolly tales of the 1940s? ???
 


Harry Wilson's tackle

Harry Wilson's Tackle
NSC Patreon
Oct 8, 2003
49,341
Faversham
When dealing derisively with an upstart braggart:

"I was in Baghdad when you was in dad's bag."
 




Harry Wilson's tackle

Harry Wilson's Tackle
NSC Patreon
Oct 8, 2003
49,341
Faversham
This one is by Grouch Marx, in reference, I think, to Maralyn Monroe:

"I knew her before she was a virgin"
 


Harry Wilson's tackle

Harry Wilson's Tackle
NSC Patreon
Oct 8, 2003
49,341
Faversham
Mrs Merton to Debbie McGhee"

"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the multi millionaire, Paul Daniels?"
 




Lyndhurst 14

Well-known member
Jan 16, 2008
5,114
Dave: But movies cost millions of dollars to make.

Robert K. Bowfinger: That's after gross net deduction profit percentage deferment ten percent of the nut. Cash, every movie cost $2,184.
 




marlowe

Well-known member
Dec 13, 2015
3,903
George Melly to Mick Jagger"god your wrinkled"

Mick Jagger "they are not wrinkles they're laughter lines"

George Melly "nothings that funny"

That was actually Jack Sheldon to Chet Baker. If you saw Chet Baker's drug ravaged face in later life (he was only 58 when he died) you'd see that Sheldon had a point.
 





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