[Help] Advice: Bereavement of an estranged relative

father_and_son · Oct 15, 2019

Ok. A little bit of background. I haven't spoken to my mum in about 16 years.
Had a number of 'issues' with her than all blew up when my son was born and we stopped talking and never started again. Have always been quite happy with this state of affairs and not looking for a reunion or reconciliation or anything.

Had a phone call from my younger brother this evening to say she died today. He called from her house while he was waiting for the coroner people to arrive.

Feeling a little numb but not upset and don't think I will be.

Anyone else dealt with the watered down version of grief that comes with the death of an estranged relative/friend?

How damaging to other family relationships would it be to not go to the funeral?

Nottseagull · Oct 15, 2019

I do hope people aren't going to post how sorry they are for your loss.

Boycotting the funeral would be a bold statement, but haven't you already made that in the last 16 years? I would ask members of the family what they would think if you didn't attend.

Petunia · Oct 15, 2019

If I were a relative and you did turn up for the funeral I’d be bloody furious.

You made your decision 16 years ago. Stick with it now.

That is obviously just my personal opinion. Others may see it differently.

Tom Hark Preston Park · Oct 15, 2019

father_and_son said:
Ok. A little bit of background. I haven't spoken to my mum in about 16 years.
Had a number of 'issues' with her than all blew up when my son was born and we stopped talking and never started again. Have always been quite happy with this state of affairs and not looking for a reunion or reconciliation or anything.

Had a phone call from my younger brother this evening to say she died today. He called from her house while he was waiting for the coroner people to arrive.

Feeling a little numb but not upset and don't think I will be.

Anyone else dealt with the watered down version of grief that comes with the death of an estranged relative/friend?

How damaging to other family relationships would it be to not go to the funeral?

If you hadn't spoken for 16 years, why would you care now? Sounds harsh, but seems like a relationship that had long run it's course, mum or no mum.

Beach Hut · Oct 15, 2019

You only had one Mum so do the decent thing and go to the funeral otherwise at some point you will bitterly regret you did not go.

atfc village · Oct 15, 2019

Petunia said:
If I were a relative and you did turn up for the funeral I’d be bloody furious.

You made your decision 16 years ago. Stick with it now.

That is obviously just my personal opinion. Others may see it differently.

Agree with this ,my sister cut herself off from the family years ago over something trivial . I wasn't involved ,but she won't speak to me . It's fine by me i and i hope it's a long time off wouldn't attend her funeral . As you say it's my opinion.

Nottseagull · Oct 15, 2019

Beach Hut said:
You only had one Mum so do the decent thing and go to the funeral otherwise at some point you will bitterly regret you did not go.

If he doesn't regret the estrangement now she's died, then it's unlikely he will regret not going to the funeral. However, attending it could provide 'closure'.

lawros left foot · Oct 15, 2019

My missus fell out with her parents 25 years ago, she was mentally abused as a child, it stopped short of physical abuse but it has affected her for the rest of her life.
Her Mum died after a long illness 8 years ago, my wife’s brother bullied her into going to the funeral, a lot of emotional blackmail, that kind of thing. She went, saw her Father, said hello, he cut her dead.

She said after, that she wishes she had been stronger and refused to go, then 3 years ago her father died, and this time , she resisted all family pressure and didn’t go to the funeral. One of her brothers, she has 3, bad mouthed her at the wake. Her other 2 brothers, and her sister have all told her separately that they wish now, that they hadn’t gone to the funeral. The old man was a complete barsteward, he was a tyrant over his children and a complete bully.
The ironic thing is, my missus and I paid a fifth of the funeral cost, and were later asked for a further contribution as her mouthy brother had renaged on his share of the funeral bill. We paid it on the understanding that the mouthy brother never contacts us again.

portlock seagull · Oct 15, 2019

It’s nobody’s business but your own. Do what YOU want to do, and if you’re still unsure on the day just go. That way you won’t have cause to regret later if you wish you had.

father_and_son · Oct 15, 2019

Petunia said:
If I were a relative and you did turn up for the funeral I’d be bloody furious.

You made your decision 16 years ago. Stick with it now.

That is obviously just my personal opinion. Others may see it differently.

Fair comment. And to be honest I'm only considering the possibility of going to be there for my brother rather than from any sense of pretending the rift hadn't happened.

Mackenzie · Oct 15, 2019

I’d probably go in your situation, if only to give support to your brother, I assume you get on alright with the rest of your family.

Seagull · Oct 15, 2019

Well firstly I am sorry to hear that your Mum has died. Despite the estrangement this is a momentous symbolic event in the life of a person. I would check in with yourself. Do you feel like attending the funeral? It's a rite of passage. Your conscious self might say I don't need to go, it doesn't matter to me, but at a less conscious level it might be meaningful, offer some closure, be a way to connect with relatives. Could you regret not going? You probably won't regret it if you decide to go unless some kind of scene is anticipated. A funeral is after all for those still alive.

vegster · Oct 15, 2019

father_and_son said:
Ok. A little bit of background. I haven't spoken to my mum in about 16 years.
Had a number of 'issues' with her than all blew up when my son was born and we stopped talking and never started again. Have always been quite happy with this state of affairs and not looking for a reunion or reconciliation or anything.

Had a phone call from my younger brother this evening to say she died today. He called from her house while he was waiting for the coroner people to arrive.

Feeling a little numb but not upset and don't think I will be.

Anyone else dealt with the watered down version of grief that comes with the death of an estranged relative/friend?

How damaging to other family relationships would it be to not go to the funeral?

Go to the funeral, forget the past, you can't change that now. You get one chance to say a proper goodbye to your mum and you should take it or afterwards you may regret it for a long while. It won't be easy but you can get through it. You can swerve the drinks post-funeral if you can't face the thought of having to interact and trawl up old issues or, you might find it good for all of you to talk things through, play that bit by ear but, I would definitely recommend you do go. Good luck.

father_and_son · Oct 15, 2019

Mackenzie said:
I’d probably go in your situation, if only to give support to your brother, I assume you get on alright with the rest of your family.

Not at all close to that side of the family. Will be my brother and his wife, my step father (and worth adding I may not have been the nicest of teenagers so not close to him at all either - although I do probably owe him a couple of dozen apologies for sh*t I did/said back then).
They'll be a bunch of cousins I saw at Christmas every year growing up but haven't seen for decades - doubt we'd have much to share with each other but it wouldn't be hostile, I think.

dangull · Oct 15, 2019

Sad to see. I don't think I have any major issues with my immediate family, including cousins, uncles etc

Springal · Oct 15, 2019

Could you not go to the ceremony but turn up as it starts and leave straight.

Regardless of circumstances I couldn’t imagine missing a parents funeral.

Had similar situation in family this year where one is the ‘children’ hadn’t seen a parent properly since a divorce 30 years prior. Relationship was non existent but child still did the above.

Weststander · Oct 15, 2019

In the short time you’ve got to decide, I’d say assess whether she was a loving and kind mum to you before the issues.

If the answer is no, don’t go. You’ll only be going out of guilt and/or family pressure.

If she had been, then probably go. You may live to regret not going.

Just my thoughts.

father_and_son · Oct 15, 2019

Weststander said:
In the short time you’ve got to decide, I’d say assess whether she was a loving and kind mum to you before the issues.

If the answer is no, don’t go. You’ll only be going out of guilt and/or family pressure.

If she had been, then probably go. You may live to regret not going.

Just my thoughts.

Thanks for this. I think this is the way to view things and is what I will take onboard, with one caveat... If my brother wants me to do something different I will. He'll be honest, understanding and it won't constitute pressure if he wants me to do something different.

Bulldog · Oct 15, 2019

Shit, what a dilemma.

I think I would go. Its an open sore that wont heal itself. If you go you may be able to get a closure that just wont happen if you stay away.

Good luck man. I hope you feel like you can close the door on the past and do the best thing for the future

Albion in the north · Oct 15, 2019

I have a similar relationship with my mum. And despite her being quite a horrible person I would still go to her funeral. I try to look at the good things she did for me or taught me growing up (there werent many) and forget the bad and also to support family members, who I also dislike as human beings but there is no animosity. Ive never thought of it as closure but I suppose it is and would also be a good way of closing that chapter and moving on. But do what your gut tells you. Happy for you to pm me if you want to chat more.

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[Help] Advice: Bereavement of an estranged relative

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