[News] New office speek bowlocks

Publius Ovidius · Sep 5, 2019

Our SMEs are Small Medium Enterprises...ie average sized customers.

dazzer6666 said:
Don't be ridiculous, they are only referred to now by their more modern tag.

SME, obviously.

Publius Ovidius · Sep 5, 2019

Even though I am a change manager in a huge DR / Availability company , I have literally no idea what the dickens all of this means..hahahahahahaha.

maffew said:
Haha I feel your pain. I just had to build a huge "ETL" project on SQL express writing sprocs using openquery and using windows scheduler due to, well no data tools/ETL or sql agent. TBH it (can) work (a charm) this way, though PITA
Oh and back on topic, I still refer to DTS if that means anything to you, and makes me look well old

Dick Swiveller · Sep 5, 2019

maffew said:
Haha I feel your pain. I just had to build a huge "ETL" project on SQL express writing sprocs using openquery and using windows scheduler due to, well no data tools/ETL or sql agent. TBH it (can) work (a charm) this way, though PITA
Oh and back on topic, I still refer to DTS if that means anything to you, and makes me look well old

We use 4 different systems for the same purpose because we just keep what we inherit with sites. So I have had to homogenise the data into one location from around 50 servers whilst learning 4 database structures by reverse engineering. And my only previous database experience apart from Access was Querymaster and Reportmaster from ICL - that makes me feel well old!

I'm lucky as I have always preferred being a Jack Of All Trades and there aren't as many jobs around that aren't specialist. But I have sort of become SQL boy by necessity. Sadly, this has dragged me into this business speak world I have always avoided. Someone yesterday told me it was a pleasure to e-meet me :angry:

. And then asked me how to fix a problem I raised with them 3 months ago and they couldn't fix. This is a different bunch of shysters to the other lot. BTW - does anyone want any magic beans as we have a surplus of them here.

Publius Ovidius · Sep 5, 2019

Homogenise? That is milk isn’t it?

Dick Swiveller said:
We use 4 different systems for the same purpose because we just keep what we inherit with sites. So I have had to homogenise the data into one location from around 50 servers whilst learning 4 database structures by reverse engineering. And my only previous database experience apart from Access was Querymaster and Reportmaster from ICL - that makes me feel well old!

I'm lucky as I have always preferred being a Jack Of All Trades and there aren't as many jobs around that aren't specialist. But I have sort of become SQL boy by necessity. Sadly, this has dragged me into this business speak world I have always avoided. Someone yesterday told me it was a pleasure to e-meet me . And then asked me how to fix a problem I raised with them 3 months ago and they couldn't fix. This is a different bunch of shysters to the other lot. BTW - does anyone want any magic beans as we have a surplus of them here.

Dick Swiveller · Sep 5, 2019

Publius Ovidius said:
Homogenise? That is milk isn’t it?

It is indeed. Never understood why it also means "make uniform" as that doesn't sound appealing in milk although I guess it is sort of what happens to it. Worrying that it is catching and I am running words up the flagpole on my own. I am expecting a salute of the two fingered kind on here though.

Tom Hark Preston Park · Sep 5, 2019

maffew said:
I just had to build a huge "ETL" project on SQL express writing sprocs using openquery and using windows scheduler due to, well no data tools/ETL or sql agent. TBH it (can) work (a charm) this way, though PITA

And here we have it, a perfect illustration of why techies should be kept locked in a darkened room with their code during office hours with no means of attempting to communicate with normal people :moo:

Dick Swiveller · Sep 5, 2019

Tom Hark said:
And here we have it, a perfect illustration of why techies should be kept locked in a darkened room with their code during office hours with no means of attempting to communicate with normal people

We are - but you have made the mistake of coming onto a messageboard which is the modern equivalent of a BBS - the natural environment of an 80s techie. It is like going on safari and complaining there are animals around. If you want to avoid techies, go somewhere where there are girls - you'll be safe.

bobbysmith01 · Sep 5, 2019

Publius Ovidius said:
Even though I am a change manager in a huge DR / Availability company , I have literally no idea what the dickens all of this means..hahahahahahaha.

Remember a new Sales Director at your company presenting on day 1, stating ‘A word to the wise, 50 % of you will not be here next year as you will not be good enough’. He lasted 6 months and the rest of us were still there.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Tom Hark Preston Park · Sep 5, 2019

bobbysmith01 said:
Remember a new Sales Director at your company presenting on day 1, stating ‘A word to the wise, 50 % of you will not be here next year as you will not be good enough’. He lasted 6 months and the rest of us were still there.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I always love the hotshots who say on day 1 "I didn't come here to make friends" to which the correct unspoken response is always "Job DONE then, you absolute cock"

Publius Ovidius · Sep 5, 2019

Yes I remember that....and the new EU CEO who wanted to transform the business...he transformed his office and it was then proved that actually he was fecking useless! He lasted a few months.

bobbysmith01 said:
Remember a new Sales Director at your company presenting on day 1, stating ‘A word to the wise, 50 % of you will not be here next year as you will not be good enough’. He lasted 6 months and the rest of us were still there.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Shropshire Seagull · Sep 5, 2019

Nobby said:
So has anyone else tried to create their own buzzword?

Me and a workmate came up with “Horizon Hunting” and started using it in conversations with each other.

A few weeks later, some numpty at a meeting actually used it

My career was complete from that moment on

We all know that the workplace has "politics" - but I have been contracting as a project manager for 12+ years now and become accustomed to calling this nonsense "bollotics".

I've never [yet] heard anyone else use this term, maybe still early days ....

Shropshire Seagull · Sep 5, 2019

giveusfalmerplease said:
It all started 40 years ago when councils started calling Dustmen "Refuse Disposal Workers"

The Australians call them "garbologists" - I heard ....

Box of Frogs · Sep 5, 2019

This all sounds like scripts from Drop the Dead Donkey in which Gus Hedges would say pearls such as "problems are just the pregnant mothers of solutions" or "today is tomorrow's tadpole of opportunity"!

Has anyone's manager ever walked up to them with an idea that he would like you to "run through the cappuccino machine of innovation and see if it comes out frothy"?

timbha · Sep 8, 2019

And WTF is a “Town Hall” meeting, or even worse “about time we had a Town Hall”

WATFORD zero · Sep 8, 2019

Box of Frogs said:
This all sounds like scripts from Drop the Dead Donkey in which Gus Hedges would say pearls such as "problems are just the pregnant mothers of solutions" or "today is tomorrow's tadpole of opportunity"!

Has anyone's manager ever walked up to them with an idea that he would like you to "run through the cappuccino machine of innovation and see if it comes out frothy"?

The master :bowdown:

I used to come across Gus's on a daily basis at the time that show was running.

Paulie Gualtieri · Sep 8, 2019

timbha said:
And WTF is a “Town Hall” meeting, or even worse “about time we had a Town Hall”

Last time I went to a “town hall” meeting I was made redundant, and found out about it in the press on the way there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Paulie Gualtieri · Sep 8, 2019

A couple of recent favourites.

In “insert department heads name” world

A sudden obsession with the word holistic.

Broadly on topic does anyone pass the time by trying to use various song titles etc within these meetings?

At my current place we have 3 of us that play the David Brent quote game, which in itself, is a good idea forever

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Jim Van Winkle · Sep 8, 2019

London Black Cab said:
A couple of recent favourites.

In “insert department heads name” world

A sudden obsession with the word holistic.

Broadly on topic does anyone pass the time by trying to use various song titles etc within these meetings?

At my current place we have 3 of us that play the David Brent quote game, which in itself, is a good idea forever

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A good idea, is a good idea forever.

Dorset Seagull · Sep 8, 2019

Thats what I loved about working in Sales Management. No bullshit it was just if you sold stuff you kept your job and if you didn't you got sacked :clap:

timbha · Sep 8, 2019

Dorset Seagull said:
Thats what I loved about working in Sales Management. No bullshit it was just if you sold stuff you kept your job and if you didn't you got sacked

“Sales Management” or “Sales”?

Hybrid is another word that’s crept in

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[News] New office speek bowlocks

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