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[Misc] Advice: When a friend's wife dies



8049

Well-known member
Jan 26, 2015
326
Berkshire
Hi everyone,
Time to ask the collective wisdom of NSC for some advice. A friend of mine's wife died last night. Their son plays in the same football team and goes to the same school as my son. I obviously want to help - and the club will too - but I really don't know where to start when something this devastating happens. All I can think of at the moment is to get Easter eggs for the kids which seems really lame.

If anyone has any advice to pass on, it will be very gratefully received.

Puts where we finish this season into perspective, too much f***ing perspective.
 


AmexRuislip

Trainee Spy 🕵️‍♂️
Feb 2, 2014
33,727
Ruislip
Hi everyone,
Time to ask the collective wisdom of NSC for some advice. A friend of mine's wife died last night. Their son plays in the same football team and goes to the same school as my son. I obviously want to help - and the club will too - but I really don't know where to start when something this devastating happens. All I can think of at the moment is to get Easter eggs for the kids which seems really lame.

If anyone has any advice to pass on, it will be very gratefully received.

Puts where we finish this season into perspective, too much f***ing perspective.

Just be there to support as a good friend :)
 




Cheshire Cat

The most curious thing..
Ask what you can do, and offer to be helpful. Don't wait to be asked.
 








theboybilly

Well-known member
Offer an ear to listen and help if needed but your friend likely will have family around him to be the main source of support. If you are really close (location wise) I would imagine it would be most appreciated if you could help with school/football runs while he has other matters to attend to.
 






Tom Bombadil

Well-known member
Jul 14, 2003
6,024
Jibrovia
I would suggest practical stuff like making sure they're feeding and cleaning themselves. It may be he's a modern guy and does the cooking and laundry but even so in the event of a bereavement these things can be forgotten especially If he hasn't got the support of a wider family network close to him.
 




Acker79

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Nov 15, 2008
31,765
Brighton
I would suggest practical stuff like making sure they're feeding and cleaning themselves. It may be he's a modern guy and does the cooking and laundry but even so in the event of a bereavement these things can be forgotten especially If he hasn't got the support of a wider family network close to him.

This. Try thinking about all the general day to day things (also shopping, getting the kids to school, football club etc), and keeping an eye out to offer any assistance. Even if he is normally a modern guy who does these things, he probably had some help, and now he has to do it all, with children who are grieving, while also coming to terms with his own loss.

I would also say on an emotional level being aware, and making sure they are aware that there are no rules for grieving. Thoughts and maybe even things said that would get you banned on a memorial thread on here can be an entirely normal and part of the process. Make sure not to judge, and allow them to feel and say what they need to to process things.
 




Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
14,747
Simon Thomas (ex-Sky presenter) suffered a similar loss. I follow him on Twatter but he also has a good blog that might help: https://agriefshared.com/

As others have said, just offer to be there.

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk
 


Eeyore

Lord Donkey of Queen's Park
NSC Patreon
Apr 5, 2014
23,381
Having experienced death on a rotten scale in recent times I can feel the sadness.

One thing I have learnt is that there is no use pretending things are will be okay. For a long time they won't.

In making yourself available you will not improve or change the reality. But what you will do is allow that person to know that love takes many forms. A true friendship lasts forever.

Right now your friend needs your presence. He needs to know you are close and not going away anywhere.

When folk say "Is there anything I can do ?" sometimes it is an expression of not being able to deal with the situation. Your input has to be active. You make the first call. You go and see them. You hold them in your arms and even if you don't know what to say it may not matter. There is little consolation. But the presence and love of another goes a long way in the healing process.
 


LadySeagull

Well-known member
Jan 21, 2011
1,237
Portslade
Having experienced death on a rotten scale in recent times I can feel the sadness.
Me too.

A small thing but if you and others write cards or messages for him:

DON'T write ''thinking of you at this difficult time'' - awful platitude, I detest it - NOT ''at this difficult time''. NO.

And not ''on your loss'' without making it more personal.

Write her name.

Write what you remember about her, or if you didn't know her well, still use her name in the card or message and talk about how special you know she was to him and the children and how she will be missed...
 




8049

Well-known member
Jan 26, 2015
326
Berkshire
Me too.

A small thing but if you and others write cards or messages for him:

DON'T write ''thinking of you at this difficult time'' - awful platitude, I detest it - NOT ''at this difficult time''. NO.

And not ''on your loss'' without making it more personal.

Write her name.

Write what you remember about her, or if you didn't know her well, still use her name in the card or message and talk about how special you know she was to him and the children and how she will be missed...

Thanks LS - that is great advice - and I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
 




8049

Well-known member
Jan 26, 2015
326
Berkshire
Thanks everyone - I really appreciate it and I will do what's been advised. I've been around to see him. Lots of family and friends there and he will definitely be supported. Just so awfully sad. The most poignant was talking to his dad who said "it's so wonderful when you see your child be born, it's just so terrible when you see them die". That line will haunt me.
 






South Stand Bonfire

Who lit that match then?
NSC Patreon
Jan 24, 2009
2,181
Shoreham-a-la-mer
From personal experience, talking is good. There will also be a lot going on at the moment, but after the funeral/cremation when all the arrangements have been completed may be when your friend needs you most.
 


Weststander

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Aug 25, 2011
63,401
Withdean area
You think it's appropriate to send a present to a bereaved family? If you were in their situation, what would you think if an acquaintance unexpectedly presented you with such a gift?
[MENTION=30839]8049[/MENTION] came up with that lovely idea for the kids. Perhaps it would take their mind off of the sadness just for a moment, and be an excuse to pop in and see how else they might need support.

In this moment of tragedy, it’s inappropriate to question his idea, or start bitching.
 



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