Marty___Mcfly
I see your wicked plan - I’m a junglist.
- Sep 14, 2011
- 2,251
The opening match of the English football season 2015/2016 takes place at the American Express Community Stadium, 19.45 Friday 7th August 2015.
The ceremony itself has been allocated a budget of approximately £65 million which after much deliberation has been spent on a team of gold plated robotronic Gullies which will fly in from the roof of the stadium down to the pitch before enacting a synchronised dance to a 45 minute Michael Jackson Medley of the sort usually only performed at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center by a group of highly trained, highly skilled incarcerated Phillipinos.
For this special day all of the food concessions have been turned into hipster street food hangouts- the student staff have been provided with fake beards, waxed moustaches and temporary tattoos, and will be dishing out the same old crap, some of which will have some coleslaw or pulled pork chucked on top- this aspirational fare will be served up with pints of Harvey’s Craft American Indian Pale Ale Porter served in jam jars.
The match itself sees the mighty Albion face the foes from Nottingham's Forests, managed by one R. Hood who, somewhat peculiarly, has spent the close season enacting a transfer strategy based on taking players in on loan from rich Premier League clubs which has enabled the club to buy several players at inflated prices from poorer lower league clubs.
The Albions of Brighton have opted for a lucky dip / tombola transfer strategy which has seen them secure the skilled feet of esteemed players of football such as a Messrs Hemed, Maenpaa and Bong, the latter of which has revealed a clause in his contract requires that the dressing room stereo must play Musical Youth’s 1982 floorfiller ‘Pass The Dutchie’ on repeat at all times.
Of great interest is the return of one of the club’s prodigal sons, in Robert Zamora who at the age of 55 is to take up a hybrid role as player / Director of Football and will split his time between substitute appearances and MCing the quiz in the Bupa Lounge at half time for 1901 members. Robert has been quoted as promising to ‘score more goals in a month than CMS did in 2 seasons’, which has led many to conclude he is underplaying his potential.
PREVIEW: ALBION V FOREST
Brighton & Hove Albion begin their Championship campaign at home to Nottingham Forest on Friday at the Amex, kick-off 7:45pm.
TEAM NEWS
Albion will be boosted by the return of club legend Bobby Zamora, who signed a one-year contract with the Seagulls on Monday. Andrew Crofts (knee) missed the majority of last season after suffering a serious knee injury in October and notched up his rehabilitation with an appearance for Albion's under-21s against the Nike Academy last Thursday.
Forest’s latest signing comes in the form of Ben Hamer from Premier League outfit Leicester City, following the departure of Karl Darlow who has gone back to top-flight Newcastle United after his season-long loan spell came to an end.
FORM
ALBION WDWLWW
FOREST DLWDDD
Brighton & Hove Albion finished their pre-season campaign in style with a 1-0 triumph over UEFA Europa League winners, Sevilla at the Amex last Sunday. Tomer Hemed capped off a fine showing during his Albion home debut, securing the victory for the Seagulls by scoring an 18th-minute penalty.
Nottingham Forest came from behind to secure a dramatic 3-3 draw over Premier League side, Aston Villa during the dying moments of the game. Kelvin Wilson found the back of the net in injury time following an 81st-minute strike from Henri Lansbury, which set a potential comeback on the cards prior to the late equaliser.
LAST TIME OUT: ALBION
ALBION 1
Hemed '17
SEVILLA 0
Albion line-up: Stockdale (GK); Bruno (Rosenior 72), Greer, Dunk, Bong; March (Calderon 72), Stephens (Ince 82), Kayal, LuaLua (O'Grady 80); Hemed (Forster-Caskey 80), Baldock (Holla 72).
Subs not used: Maenpaa (GK), Rea, Chicksen.
LAST TIME OUT: FOREST
FOREST 3
Blackstock '1
Lansbury '81
Wilson '90
VILLA 3
Sinclair '22, '52, '64
Forest line-up: De Vries (GK), Lichaj, Mills, Wilson, Fox, Antonio (C.Burke 75), Lansbury (c), Tesche, Vaughan (Mancienne 69), Ward (Paterson 79), Blackstock (Walker 75).
Subs not used: Hamer (GK), Pinillos, Hobbs, Riera, Taylor.
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Brighton & Hove Albion gear up to host Nottingham Forest on the opening day of the 2015/16 season, which will be the 34th meeting between the two sides.
Overall, the Seagulls have recorded eight victories in comparison to Forest’s 15 wins, while 10 games have ended all square.
Ben Osborn bagged a late 88th minute winner to decide the outcome in Forest’s favour in February this year, sealing a 3-2 victory at the Amex for the visitors. A last-minute goal from debutant Beram Kayal was not enough to earn a point for Chris Hughton’s men and proved to be nothing more than a consolation.
Albion and Forest first met 66-years-ago at the Goldstone Ground during an Old Division Three fixture, which resulted in a 2-2 stalemate.
LAST TIME WE MET:
ALBION 2
Dunk '42
Kayal '90
FOREST 3
Collins '44
Lansbury '63
Osborn '88
Albion line-up: Stockdale (GK); Bruno, Greer, Dunk, Bennett; Holla (85), Ince; Calderon (Best 66), Teixeira, March (LuaLua 19); O’Grady.
Subs not used: Walton (GK), Hughes, Forster-Caskey, Mackail-Smith.
Forest line-up: Darlow (GK); Lichaj, Collins, Hobbs (c), Fox; Burke, Gardner, Lansbury (Lascelles 89'), Osborn; Assombalonga (Fryatt 80), Antonio.
Subs not used: De Vries (GK), Paterson, Blackstock, Vaughan, Tesche.
Albion 2015/2016 squad list:
1 MAENPAA (Niki)
2 BRUNO (Saltor)
3 GREER (Gordon)
4
5 DUNK (Lewis)
6 STEPHENS (Dale)
7 KAYAL (Beram)
8 CROFTS (Andrew)
9 BALDOCK (Samuel)
10 HEMED (Tomer)
11 O’GRADY (Christopher)
12 BONG (Gaetan)
13 STOCKDALE (David)
14 CALDERON (Inigo)
15
16 ANKERGREN (Casper)
17
18 FORSTER-CASKEY (Jake)
19
20 MARCH (Solomon)
21
22 HOLLA (Danny)
23 ROSENIOR (Liam)
24 INCE (Rohan)
25 ZAMORA (Robert)
26 REA (Glen)
27 COLUNGA (Adrian)
28 CHICKSEN (Adam)
30 LUALUA (Kazenga)
A day early 
The end of the world is nigh....
