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Joke du Jour..... Parte Dieux



fat old seagull

New member
Sep 8, 2005
5,239
Rural Ringmer
Can we have some jokes to lift the Feckin gloom please.

This arrived in my 'IN BOX' yesterday. And made me chortle.....




Adjutant Smithers

In the great, great and heady days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and performing the usual courtesies that protocol decrees, Gin and Tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he really is the strength of this office. His talents are simply boundless, jolly good egg in fact."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was taken aback and more than a little surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, bald, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall, who lurched awkwardly toward them. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself" boomed the Colonel.

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and after three insertions behind enemy lines I was awarded the Military Cross and Bar, I've represented Great Britain in various equestrian events, captained the England hockey team and won a Boxing Silver Medal as a middleweight in the Summer Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the CO will find all that in your file............. But do tell him about the day you decided to tell the Witch Doctor to f*ck off."
 






Questions

Habitual User
Oct 18, 2006
24,721
Worthing
Can we have some jokes to lift the Feckin gloom please.

This arrived in my 'IN BOX' yesterday. And made me chortle.....




Adjutant Smithers



Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind all that Smithers, the CO will find all that in your file............. But do tell him about the day you decided to tell the Witch Doctor to f*ck off."

If he was such a 'good egg' as you say in the story why on earth would he have spoken to the witchdoctor - a respected elder of the tribe - in that sort of way ?
 


Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patreon
May 8, 2007
12,750
Toronto
The story is incomplete, I want to hear about the day he decided to tell the Witch Doctor to f*ck off. Was the witch doctor understanding? Did they have lunch? What was the weather like?
 




leigull

New member
Sep 26, 2010
3,810
What prompted him to tell the witch doctor to do one? Being such a great bloke it must have been something pretty bad, something doesn't quite add up here.
 


Nathan

Well-known member
Jan 8, 2010
3,749
I can see his problem, as it does make a difference which doctor you see at my local surgery. Some of them are just shit, but all the same it is rude to tell people to **** off, they are only trying to help.
 


Questions

Habitual User
Oct 18, 2006
24,721
Worthing
I can see his problem, as it does make a difference which doctor you see at my local surgery. Some of them are just shit, but all the same it is rude to tell people to **** off, they are only trying to help.

Exactly. All you hear about are cuts in our NHS so you can only imagine what pressure this poor witch doctor was under. Good egg ............. Impatient oaf I say.
 




Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patreon
May 8, 2007
12,750
Toronto
Exactly. All you hear about are cuts in our NHS so you can only imagine what pressure this poor witch doctor was under. Good egg ............. Impatient oaf I say.

It seems unlikely that the witch doctor was working under the NHS in Africa. I think the issue could have been that Captain Smithers didn't have insurance to cover whatever treatment he required, the witch doctor may not have been willing to treat him without some payment upfront.
 


narly101

Well-known member
Feb 16, 2009
2,683
London
I'm deeply concerned about the validity of this situation. How the devil have they managed to keep the Tonic from going flat deep in the African Jungle? I smell something fishy about this tale.
 








Man of Harveys

Well-known member
Jul 9, 2003
18,731
Brighton, UK
How could the witch doctor even understand what he was saying when he insulted him?

Unless of course he'd also been educated in the UK or maybe at a British-administered overseas school. But I couldn't see either of those forms of education easily leading to a career in traditional, native forms of medicine.
 


Eeyore

Lord Donkey of Queen's Park
NSC Patreon
Apr 5, 2014
23,381
I think the Witch Doctor is a red herring here. Smithers is clearly a man of good character, and the Colonel is telling lies.

My suggestion, albeit libellous, is that the Colonel had a terrible and crippling virus caused through an unspeakable sexual engagement with an Impala.
 




Questions

Habitual User
Oct 18, 2006
24,721
Worthing
I'm deeply concerned about the validity of this situation. How the devil have they managed to keep the Tonic from going flat deep in the African Jungle? I smell something fishy about this tale.

The Gin And Tonic only came about during the British days of the Raj in India so that the very bitter quinine used as an anti malarial remedy could be taken in a palatable way. Did this cross over to Africa ?
I've a feeling this whole story has been made up and doesn't have a grain of truth in it.
 


lawros left foot

Glory hunting since 1969
Jun 11, 2011
13,673
Worthing
The Army must have really lowered their fitness requirements, as a humpback under three feet tall would have been invalidid out in my day
 





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