Poo Dilemmas No. 34 - Answering the Mobile

So imagine this.

You are about to drop the kids off at the pool. Your pants are round your ankles and you haven't so much got a mole at the counter as a Dachshund emerging from a cave when all of a sudden you feel steady vibrations and not the sort you have to resort to when Arsenal are playing at home. Your phone is going. Foolishly you pull it from your pocket and it is the one call you HAVE to take all day, a busy client who is hard to reach but usually earns you boat loads of cash. Do you APPLY THE BRAKES, risking chafing, raging Emmas later the week and a nasty wipe in order to take the call? Or do you leave the phone ringing and drop the bomb?

Things to factor in:

If you are in the work Kermit and there is more than one trap there is a good chance someone will enter and you will be forever exposed as an office poo-er. Never good especially if you are pebble-dashing or indulging in chemical warfare.

How good is your control? Can you be sure to put the bullet back in the barrel or will your most important client hear a tell-tale splash? An additional risk here is wind.

Length of expected call. A one minute call where all you have to do is say "yes" may be acceptable but a long one is bound to lead to the tell tale signs of a large portion of bangers and mash being dropped in to the rusty gravy.

And no one wants to hear straining. Ever.

On the other hand the call could be the difference between being able to take little Tarquin and Emma on Safari instead of a long weekend at Butlins.

Do you play brown roulette? Well?

Take the call, take the shit and try and squeeze a Drodrill in while you're at it.

Quickly grab some bog roll and shove it in the pan to muffle the sound and take the call.

Answer and immediately say you are driving and need to pull over. Be sure to mute the phone before sending that chocolate log down the u-bend as fast as you can.

Wipe and run. Come back for a handwash after the call, and if required a second wipe.

Is it acceptable to go for a number two whilst on a conference call with work?

Hamilton said:

Is it acceptable to go for a number two whilst on a conference call with work?

Click to expand...

Depends if it's a VIDEO conference

I dont think you have taken into account the echo of the toilet which would be a clear give away that you are in the bog, not to mention hand dryers taps and others walking in and out of the toilet.

I think your best option is to clench, answer the call and get out of the bog to the nearest chair and hope that you can hold on, hopefully the importance of the call will take your mind off shitting yourself.

Do something about your diet so that you are not so much in "log" territory and more regular. Look up the Bristol Stool Chart!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_stool_scale

Ps - I just googled "Bristol Stool Chart", and the first thing to come up in the results was John Lewis for Stools! Hilarious.

Most mornings whilst on the khazi I tune in to NSC to pass the time, often the phone will ring, its usually a customer, I answer it and say I will call them back, by pure luck there have been no loud plops or windy farts during the calls.