Buzzer
Languidly Clinical
- Oct 1, 2006
- 26,121
Pure Alan Partridge. The man's a national treasure.
http://happyfingersproductions.com/guest-posts/defending-the-indefensible/
40.Talking to Ricky Gervais about Chris Rock
“We had him on last week. Complete Prat”
39.When interviewing Keira Knightly
“Can we get some make up please, get Keira looking like a crack whore, she’d make a good crack whore”
38.After a man breaks down crying after meeting the paramedics who saved his life in a motorbike accident
“Stop crying! This is supposed to make you happy! Anyway after the break, the biggest dog in the UK. And he really is big. Don’t miss it”
37.“There’s not many better things than seeing an older woman skipping”
36.To Opera singer Russell Watson and Faye Tozer from Steps
“I always thought both of your music was a bit crap but this is quite good”
35.After being told by Kamikaze survivors that they didn’t want to watch clips of the VE celebrations because they had lost several crew members the day before VE.
“Well we’ve got a clip so we’ll run it anyway”
34..In reply to John Fashanu saying his nightmares were so bad, he often woke up with his bed saturated
”With sweat?”
33.After giving out the phone-in competition number
“A numerically satisfying number there.”
32.After Stephen Hawkings replied ’no’ to his question of whether he believed in a God or not
“ (Distraught) I was hoping for a yes there”
31.To a caller
“I understand you have a little lad of 12. Is it a boy or a girl?”
30.After Ricky Gervais points out the cameraman is doing the ‘wanker sign’ behind Madeleys back
“He’s been doing it most of the week (sighs). He doesn’t realize that I can see him doing it in the reflection from the other camera’s Auto-cue…I don’t know why he’s still working here, really.”
29.”Women lie about sex. It doesn’t matter how many partners she’s said she’s had before you. She’s lying”
28..Talking to a child who has spinal injuries meaning he had to wear a huge neck and head brace
“Hey you look just like Buzz Lightyear”
27.“The one characteristic I don’t think I have any shreds of is suicidal tendencies”
26.To Jade Goody
“You’re quite sharp. It’s just in the pure sense of the word that you’re ignorant”
25.“Remember when you had thrush Judy? You had a terrible time of it”
24.To someone with an eating disorder
“When you were younger did you have a brother or sister who used to steal food off you, you know like dogs do and that’s why you wolf it down?”
23.To Eddie Grant
“I hope when I’m reincarnated I come back black because you age better”
22.When interviewing Primordial Dwarves
“Do you find that people patronize you? That means that they talk down to you”
21.When Interviewing Frank Sinatra’s daughter
“It’s obvious you loved your father, but do you think you were actually in love with him?”
20.When Interviewing Eddie Jordan
”you’re looking good. You were born in 1948, Judy you were born in 1948…”
19. The first question to man giving his first TV appearance after being wrongly imprisoned for years
“So, did you do it?”
18.To the comedians Punt and Dennis
”You two have been together for 24 years, just like me and Judy! Although me and Judy were only having an affair in the beginning, weren’t we Jude? Is that the same for you two, did you just start off as an affair too?”
17.After Judy misjudged someone’s age
“Ha ha, she failed maths. She did, she did!”
16.When Judy was complaining about her dislike of Squid being prepared
“Your point’s not valid Finnegan”
15..Talking about how he doesn’t like anyone interfering with his cooking
“No I am bad. I’m like Hitler in the kitchen”
14.When interviewing an actor who was currently playing a role as a bi-sexual
“would YOU prefer to have sex with, me or Judy?”
13.After Judy said that she’d like to have become a Dr if she wasn’t a TV presenter
“No, you would have ended up killing everybody”
12.To singer Sophie Ellis Bextor
“Where did you get your face?”
11.“So he suffers for us. He bears our pain in the most public way possible. He serves a timeless human need, one that goes back long before the time of Christ. Perhaps this has always been PAUL GASCOIGNE’S destiny”
10. To a teenager suffering from anorexia
“5 stone! That’s concentration camp thin that is”
9.(To Judy) Do you remember that soup I made last week? Absolutely horrible. Had to throw it in the garden”
8.To one of the Birmingham 6
‘What do you notice most that has changed during your 18 years in jail?
Cars have five gears now, for example.”
7.“I’ve never met a single women who’s happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I’ve never met her”
6.To the Actor Mark Williams
”You’ve lost some weight, haven’t you? Why’s that? You’re not ill are you?”
5.To Charlotte Church
”OK, imagine I’m someone from a record company with a ponytail… (Begins shouting)…. I OWN you, Church!”
4.When interviewing someone who had an obsessive crush on a celebrity
“So, Jane, when did you first realise that you were quite clearly mad?”
3.”When me and Judy were trying to conceive. I used to douse my balls in icy water before intercourse”
2. Conversation with Skins star Nicholas Hoult
Richard: “How old are you now? 18?”
Nicholas: “No I’m 17″
Richard: “Really, I thought you were 18″
Nicholas: “Nope”
Richard: “But you’re nearly 18 though, aren’t you?”
Nicholas: “Actually I’ve just turned 17″
Richard: “Well I suppose I’ll have to take your word for it”
1.When talking to Bill Clinton about his affair with Monica Lewinsky
“I know what it’s like to be wronged by the press. I was once accused of shoplifting. Unlike you though, I knew I was innocent”.
http://happyfingersproductions.com/guest-posts/defending-the-indefensible/
40.Talking to Ricky Gervais about Chris Rock
“We had him on last week. Complete Prat”
39.When interviewing Keira Knightly
“Can we get some make up please, get Keira looking like a crack whore, she’d make a good crack whore”
38.After a man breaks down crying after meeting the paramedics who saved his life in a motorbike accident
“Stop crying! This is supposed to make you happy! Anyway after the break, the biggest dog in the UK. And he really is big. Don’t miss it”
37.“There’s not many better things than seeing an older woman skipping”
36.To Opera singer Russell Watson and Faye Tozer from Steps
“I always thought both of your music was a bit crap but this is quite good”
35.After being told by Kamikaze survivors that they didn’t want to watch clips of the VE celebrations because they had lost several crew members the day before VE.
“Well we’ve got a clip so we’ll run it anyway”
34..In reply to John Fashanu saying his nightmares were so bad, he often woke up with his bed saturated
”With sweat?”
33.After giving out the phone-in competition number
“A numerically satisfying number there.”
32.After Stephen Hawkings replied ’no’ to his question of whether he believed in a God or not
“ (Distraught) I was hoping for a yes there”
31.To a caller
“I understand you have a little lad of 12. Is it a boy or a girl?”
30.After Ricky Gervais points out the cameraman is doing the ‘wanker sign’ behind Madeleys back
“He’s been doing it most of the week (sighs). He doesn’t realize that I can see him doing it in the reflection from the other camera’s Auto-cue…I don’t know why he’s still working here, really.”
29.”Women lie about sex. It doesn’t matter how many partners she’s said she’s had before you. She’s lying”
28..Talking to a child who has spinal injuries meaning he had to wear a huge neck and head brace
“Hey you look just like Buzz Lightyear”
27.“The one characteristic I don’t think I have any shreds of is suicidal tendencies”
26.To Jade Goody
“You’re quite sharp. It’s just in the pure sense of the word that you’re ignorant”
25.“Remember when you had thrush Judy? You had a terrible time of it”
24.To someone with an eating disorder
“When you were younger did you have a brother or sister who used to steal food off you, you know like dogs do and that’s why you wolf it down?”
23.To Eddie Grant
“I hope when I’m reincarnated I come back black because you age better”
22.When interviewing Primordial Dwarves
“Do you find that people patronize you? That means that they talk down to you”
21.When Interviewing Frank Sinatra’s daughter
“It’s obvious you loved your father, but do you think you were actually in love with him?”
20.When Interviewing Eddie Jordan
”you’re looking good. You were born in 1948, Judy you were born in 1948…”
19. The first question to man giving his first TV appearance after being wrongly imprisoned for years
“So, did you do it?”
18.To the comedians Punt and Dennis
”You two have been together for 24 years, just like me and Judy! Although me and Judy were only having an affair in the beginning, weren’t we Jude? Is that the same for you two, did you just start off as an affair too?”
17.After Judy misjudged someone’s age
“Ha ha, she failed maths. She did, she did!”
16.When Judy was complaining about her dislike of Squid being prepared
“Your point’s not valid Finnegan”
15..Talking about how he doesn’t like anyone interfering with his cooking
“No I am bad. I’m like Hitler in the kitchen”
14.When interviewing an actor who was currently playing a role as a bi-sexual
“would YOU prefer to have sex with, me or Judy?”
13.After Judy said that she’d like to have become a Dr if she wasn’t a TV presenter
“No, you would have ended up killing everybody”
12.To singer Sophie Ellis Bextor
“Where did you get your face?”
11.“So he suffers for us. He bears our pain in the most public way possible. He serves a timeless human need, one that goes back long before the time of Christ. Perhaps this has always been PAUL GASCOIGNE’S destiny”
10. To a teenager suffering from anorexia
“5 stone! That’s concentration camp thin that is”
9.(To Judy) Do you remember that soup I made last week? Absolutely horrible. Had to throw it in the garden”
8.To one of the Birmingham 6
‘What do you notice most that has changed during your 18 years in jail?
Cars have five gears now, for example.”
7.“I’ve never met a single women who’s happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I’ve never met her”
6.To the Actor Mark Williams
”You’ve lost some weight, haven’t you? Why’s that? You’re not ill are you?”
5.To Charlotte Church
”OK, imagine I’m someone from a record company with a ponytail… (Begins shouting)…. I OWN you, Church!”
4.When interviewing someone who had an obsessive crush on a celebrity
“So, Jane, when did you first realise that you were quite clearly mad?”
3.”When me and Judy were trying to conceive. I used to douse my balls in icy water before intercourse”
2. Conversation with Skins star Nicholas Hoult
Richard: “How old are you now? 18?”
Nicholas: “No I’m 17″
Richard: “Really, I thought you were 18″
Nicholas: “Nope”
Richard: “But you’re nearly 18 though, aren’t you?”
Nicholas: “Actually I’ve just turned 17″
Richard: “Well I suppose I’ll have to take your word for it”
1.When talking to Bill Clinton about his affair with Monica Lewinsky
“I know what it’s like to be wronged by the press. I was once accused of shoplifting. Unlike you though, I knew I was innocent”.
