Help write the ‘unwritten’ rules of the workplace toilet.

Flex Your Head · Sep 26, 2014

For the love of all things holy, we can’t go on like this. There needs to be some rules for the workplace toilets. Over the years I have become thoroughly disillusioned with my fellow workers and what they deem to be acceptable toilet etiquette.

Is it acceptable to talk to a colleague whilst attending to the call of nature at a urinal?

How many ‘shakes’ is too many?

Taking something to read into the cubicle. Really?

Taking something to EAT in the cubicle? Bleeeuuurghhh! There was a Snickers wrapper on the cistern in one of the cubicles yesterday apparently.

Should placing a scrunched up handful of bogroll down the pan be mandatory prior to ‘dropping the kids off’?

What are the acceptable sounds and noises? And the unacceptable?

The last one for instance; I demand absolute silence from anyone sitting in the cubicle. I don’t want to hear you sliding your kecks down. I don’t want to hear you sigh then fart like a pregnant hippo when you lower yourself on to the seat. Splashing is a complete no-no, and I most certainly do not want to hear any wiping sounds at all. If I walk in for a pee and you're in the cubicle, you do not move a muscle; I do not care what 'stage' you are at.
Where I used to work there was a bloke who sounded like he was sanding down a particularly rough patch of Polyfilla when he wiped. He was bearded and his name was Paul; make of that what you will.

So, what should the rules be?

happypig · Sep 26, 2014

If you write them, they won't be unwritten any more. For that reason, I'm oot.

sod1 · Sep 26, 2014

We had an issue when the first Romanians arrived, particularly from the women, where by they did the business whilst squatting over the loo with both feet on the seat .... and often missing the target ! . .... so not squatting over the pan ... Rule 1

Mellotron · Sep 26, 2014

Flex Your Head said:
How many ‘shakes’ is too many?

I had a bloke next to me a couple of days ago who was basically ******* urine. :tosser:

nwgull · Sep 26, 2014

Phone call whilst having a shit is completely wrong.

carlzeiss · Sep 26, 2014

nwgull said:
Phone call whilst having a shit is completely wrong.

Correct , switch phone to silent while having a dump .

Chinman3000 · Sep 26, 2014

I hate the fact that most toilets (including the ones at my work) have a row of bowls seperated by a 6" x 5" thin sheet of MDF which reachs neither the floor nor the celing so you can be happliy enjoying backing one out and be flanked either side by two others and hear & smell every tiny little fart that they make.

When did it become socially acceptable to force people to sh1t within 2 feet of each other and not put a proper wall in place?

Its disgusting.

WATFORD zero · Sep 26, 2014

There are no rules at my workplace toilet :ohmy:

I work from home :thumbsup:

Nibble · Sep 26, 2014

People who are known to be messy toilet visitors, either peeing or pooping should be put on a "Satis report". The offender is required to notify a responsible member of staff when they require a toilet break, they are then accompanied and the toilet is checked before and after . The Satis form is signed only if the toilet is up to standard. After a month of clean toilet behaviour he is off Satis report but may be subject to unannounced, random spot checks.

wehatepalace · Sep 26, 2014

Our car sales bloke is a rather large chap who enjoys a curry and a beer most nights and I swear to god when he goes for a cack we can hear him in the reception, its like someone has caught a pig and is cutting its throat in there !
The smell if you follow him in there is rancid !

Cheshire Cat · Sep 26, 2014

Do not chuck an entire bog roll down all at once and block it for future users. The carnage of the reverse flush when the bowl starts to fill is terrifying.

BHAFC_Pandapops · Sep 26, 2014

Every toilet, attended or not, should have a brush beside it. There's nowt worse than when there's only one cubicle open and the toilet within is covered in it. Also, people should be made to wash and dry their hands. The guy in the next cubicle down once emerged shortly after I did (after a particularly savage-sounding one). Not only did he not wash his hands, when I caught up with him on the access stairs, he put his unwashed hands on his lady-friend's cheeks and kissed her. I felt so sorry for her, that's gross!

brakespear · Sep 26, 2014

no conversations whilst one or the other of the participants (or both) is urinating.

daveinprague · Sep 26, 2014

When I was working in the desert in Saudi..I had to design a poster showing how to use a western style toilet following the discovery that all the toilets were damaged because the local Bedou workers were literally squatting with their feet on the toilet seat.

Normal Rob · Sep 26, 2014

if you really cannot hold back, only release when the hand dryer is in operation, especially if it is one of those very loud Dyson ones.

Mo Gosfield · Sep 26, 2014

If you are about to push one out and feel rather embarrassed about the sound effects, wait for someone to leave the cubicle or come in the toilet for a pee. As soon as the hand-dryer goes on, thats your cue. Blast away like mad.
Things that drive me mad...
1) Drips left all over the seat.
2) No toilet paper.
3) A blocked toilet that no-one has bothered to report.
4) A cubicle that won't lock.
5) An individual who enters the next cubicle to you and without a care in the world proceeds to subject you to appalling sound effects as he forces one out as quickly as possible.

AmexRuislip · Sep 26, 2014

Toillet humour if you up for laugh :laugh:

http://interestingemailforwards.blogspot.co.uk/2009/04/how-to-poop-at-work-bathroom-etiquette.html

father_and_son · Sep 26, 2014

Flex Your Head said:
Is it acceptable to talk to a colleague whilst attending to the call of nature at a urinal?

This is already well documented. You can only engage another man in conversation at a toilet provided you are at the same stage of the process, only if neither are in or going in or coming out of a cubicle and there must never ever be eye contact...

Both at Urinal looking down = OK
Both at Sink looking down = OK
Any other combination = No

The conversation must, also, never make reference to the fact that you are in a toilet.

edna krabappel · Sep 26, 2014

Anybody else here use a two way radio for work?

There's that awkward moment when you nip into the ladies' (or gents', delete as applicable) for a quick, er, comfort stop, and somebody picks that precise minute to call you on air.

Do you ignore it and have people think you're deliberately avoiding a tasking (always a major faux pas)? Do you answer, and let every work colleague between Brighton & Gatwick Airport hear that tell-tale toilet echo in your response? What if someone's in the next cubicle? Do you wait until you've washed your hands before responding?

It's a RIGHT dilemma, I can tell you.

Bold Seagull · Sep 26, 2014

************ should only ever be confined to a cubicle and while the rest of the toilet area is empty. If anyone enters you should pause regardless of what stage you are into the proceedings. You should always flush afterwards and it's polite to wipe the seat. For the men, similar rules apply.

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