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Favourite Amazon product reviews?



Doc Lynam

I hate the Daily Mail
Jun 19, 2011
7,195
http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/the-26-best-amazon-reviews-of-all-time

One review:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-rev...iewpoints=1&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending

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Huge ships seem to haunt the family since my great-granddad swam into the huge RMS Titanic 400 miles from the Newfoundland coast in April 1912, losing over 1,500 souls in the process, whilst he was working on a solo trans-Atlantic swim.

During WWII, my dad swam into the Bismarck, a huge German ship, in May 1941, spraining his wrist on the rudder and knocking the plug out of the hull with his knee.

So it comes as no surprise that I tell you that I am a professional cross-Channel swimmer and, like my dad and great-granddad, I have been involved with many collisions with huge ships.

Only last spring, I was involved in a collision with a huge Maersk container ship whilst doing breast stroke, pulling a muscle in my arm in the process.

On making the return trip to Dover, via Copenhagan, I then collided with the huge USS Enterprise whilst she was on a courtesy visit to a Danish brewery. This time, despite doing a much faster front crawl, I received slight but painful bruising to my big toe.

Since last year, I have also had collisions with several other huge ships but, on finding and reading this book, I have taken on board the tips provided therein and not had a single collision with a huge ship since.

However, despite curbing all collisions with huge ships, I have had several collisions with small ships just over the past few weeks.

These collisions include an unnamed hit-and-run, whilst doing butterfly stroke in the Baltic Sea, with a vessel owned by a Russian oligarch. I'm afraid the name of the small ship was written in the Cyrillic alphabet so I could not identify the small ship before he got away.

There was another "prang", this time whilst doing back stroke in the Bay of Biscay, with a replica of the "Santa Maria", as used by Christopher Columbus to discover the Americas in 1492.

The worst injury I received after a collision with a small ship was a black eye whilst doing doggy paddle as I collided with the "Black Pearl" just outside the Disney theme park in Florida only last week.

Therefore, I am looking forward to the second book in the series "How to Avoid Small Ships" which is due for release later this year (or not).
 




Dick Head

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Jan 3, 2010
13,631
Quaxxann
Edgar's review of Tuscan Whole Milk

Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.

And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'This,' said I, 'requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.'
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of many Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, 'No more!'
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
Merely this and nothing more.

Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
'Surely,' said I, 'surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor -
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o'er my dining floor -
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.

Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, 'til I said, 'Well, hello, kitty!'
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, 'Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!'
Quoth the kitten, 'Get some more.'
 


Dick Head

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Jan 3, 2010
13,631
Quaxxann
Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
 


Guinness Boy

Tofu eating wokerati
Helpful Moderator
NSC Patron
Jul 23, 2003
34,075
Up and Coming Sunny Portslade
i wish someone would hurry up and review my Amazon product.

*points at signature*
 














Guinness Boy

Tofu eating wokerati
Helpful Moderator
NSC Patron
Jul 23, 2003
34,075
Up and Coming Sunny Portslade
[MENTION=616]Guinness Boy[/MENTION]

For those of us who have signatures turned off, could you provide a proper link? And for those of us who don't have a Kindle, is there an alternative version available for iPhone? :thumbsup:

I will post the link for now but if it breaks the sponsorship rules and gets removed I'll email you it.

There is a free Kindle app available for iPhone, Ipad, Mac and PC. D/L the app from the app store and then buy the book using the NSC route link and it will get sent to the cloud. The app allows you to get the book just by signing in to your Amazon account and retrieving it from the cloud.

Book

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Brighton-Bu...634&sr=8-1&keywords=brighton+but+only+at+home

App

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/feature.html/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1?ie=UTF8&docId=1000425503
 








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