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Bell Cheeses at work



marcos3263

marcos3263

Well-known member
Oct 29, 2009
922
Fishersgate and Proud
Iggle Piggle said:
One of our office had a microwaved Fish Pie for lunch yesterday. It smelt like Rick Steins bin. Who buys these things and thinks it's a good idea for lunch in an office environment? Mind you he's a bit weird and has admitted that his wife wears a strap on sometimes. His sense of normality is different from the rest of us.
Click to expand...

how the hell did that come up in conversation?

"Can you pass the stapler please and oh does your wife ever take you from behind?"

or

" anyone want a cuppa? or a shag up the arse like my wife does to me?"

or

"Good Evening?" "Yeah, not bad although I was just watching TV when..........
 






Stat Brother

Stat Brother

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Jul 11, 2003
73,664
West west west Sussex
I have a colleague who gets very stressed, very quickly.
She's the sort who does very little and then when is expected to do a 'normal' workload assumes she actually has to do everything.

This in turn causes her to go on a completely red-faced raging tantrum, shouting and screaming at everyone else while not even doing the work in her comfort zone, let alone anything extra.


As a team we've been talking about this, recently, trying to help her.

Her current way of dealing with the pressure is:-

Clench her fists.
Screw her face up, then,
Shout "calm down Hanna"

I'm not entirely sure we'll keep with that plan.
 


Easy 10

Easy 10

Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Jul 5, 2003
61,750
Location Location
Stat Brother said:
As a team we've been talking about this, recently, trying to help her.

Her current way of dealing with the pressure is:-

Clench her fists.
Screw her face up, then,
Shout "calm down Hanna"

I'm not entirely sure we'll keep with that plan.
Click to expand...

I would suggest that the team supports her as a collective by standing in front of her and:

Clenching fists
Screwing up faces
Shouting "CALM DOWN HANNA"
 


hans kraay fan club

hans kraay fan club

The voice of reason.
Helpful Moderator
Mar 16, 2005
61,279
Chandlers Ford
Iggle Piggle said:
One of our office had a microwaved Fish Pie for lunch yesterday. It smelt like Rick Steins bin. Who buys these things and thinks it's a good idea for lunch in an office environment?
Click to expand...

Stalwart of this thread, CRISPS, would think that was fine.

In two years, she has never had a day here without eating a microwaved meal, and never has she chosen a meal that does NOT smell. Curries, Chinese, chilli, warmed-up leftover manure - all perfectly acceptable shared office lunches.

Roughly two hundred times I've been seconds from screaming "Just for once, why can't you just eat a ****ing sandwich like everybody else?" but then gather myself and remember its for the best to never ever engage her in any kind of conversation.

She's off for a MONTH, as of this week, after a minor op. Its ****ing BLISS.

Me, my boss and NOISE, had a quick meeting to decide whether we needed to get a temp in to cover. We sat down with a sheet of paper listing her workload, to see what each of us could pick up, and what would be too much. It took a minute to conclude that the temp would get very bored, very quickly, so didn't bother.

Three days in, and genuinely the office is running the best it ever has.
 








Barham's tash

Barham's tash

Well-known member
Jun 8, 2013
3,613
Rayners Lane
marcos3263 said:
how the hell did that come up in conversation?

"Can you pass the stapler please and oh does your wife ever take you from behind?"

or

" anyone want a cuppa? or a shag up the arse like my wife does to me?"

or

"Good Evening?" "Yeah, not bad although I was just watching TV when..........
Click to expand...

In the hope you’re in some kind of sales business and this is the half of the conversation you hear him have....

“You’ll never guess I was adjusting the light fitting in the lounge, happened to be naked, fell off the stepladder AND....” .... “yeah, straight in like Flynn.” .......”Yeah, made my eyes water I can tell you!” ..... “anyway can I interest you in our latest software?”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 




Iggle Piggle

Iggle Piggle

Well-known member
Sep 3, 2010
5,318
marcos3263 said:
how the hell did that come up in conversation?

"Can you pass the stapler please and oh does your wife ever take you from behind?"

or

" anyone want a cuppa? or a shag up the arse like my wife does to me?"

or

"Good Evening?" "Yeah, not bad although I was just watching TV when..........
Click to expand...

Like all of these conversations, it was down the pub. One of the team drinks very heavily, very quickly and was asleep at the table who'd earlier been bemoaning that his wife hated it when he touched her thrupnies. This prompted fish man later in the evening to say that his other half was a bit more liberal with stories of strap ons and butt plugs. Our faces gave the game away that we had more conventional lives.

Apparently they have an open relationship. Whilst he never seems to get any, she seems to hang around with his mates that play basketball. I swear I'm not making this up.
 


Stat Brother

Stat Brother

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Jul 11, 2003
73,664
West west west Sussex
I'm pleased to finally have a brief missive hopefully for the enjoyment of this thread.

Unfortunately one of our in house trainers has hurt her back.
She overexerted it while training 3 staff members in their...





....I know you know already....








...manual handling session. :lolol: :facepalm:


Previously I've also had to show her how to do one specific job in order for her to train me on how to do said job. :lol:
 


dazzer6666

dazzer6666

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Mar 27, 2013
52,385
Burgess Hill
Stat Brother said:
I'm pleased to finally have a brief missive hopefully for the enjoyment of this thread.

Unfortunately one of our in house trainers has hurt her back.
She overexerted it while training 3 staff members in their...





....I know you know already....








...manual handling session. :lolol: :facepalm:


Previously I've also had to show her how to do one specific job in order for her to train me on how to do said job. :lol:
Click to expand...

'....so, what you DON'T want to do is pick the box up like thi.......ahhhh, f*ck..................'
 




A

Arthritic Toe

Well-known member
Nov 25, 2005
2,392
Swindon
Barham's tash said:
We have exactly the same set up except our vending machines grind beans on demand for your cup so the free stuff is actually half decent. [As long as you elect to add your own cow juice and not take the hideous UHT crap from the machine].

There are contractors on hideous day rates (c£500-750 per day) who follow this exact routine - I saw one this week visit the kitchen 7 times in one half hour period, presumably accidentally ‘forgetting’ to rinse/wash/fill their cup each time to waste a little more time.

Perhaps you might think they’re actually not bell cheeses as the £££££ roll up in front of their eyes as they Time waste their way to the full day rate. Maybe a new phrase is required - I put forward shithousing at work?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

I was a contractor for years before my current permy position. One of the true joys of contracting is taking a long, relaxing dump on company time, in the knowledge that by arse-wiping time, you're £50 better off.
 


Badger

Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patron
May 8, 2007
12,778
Toronto
hans kraay fan club said:
Stalwart of this thread, CRISPS, would think that was fine.

In two years, she has never had a day here without eating a microwaved meal, and never has she chosen a meal that does NOT smell. Curries, Chinese, chilli, warmed-up leftover manure - all perfectly acceptable shared office lunches.

Roughly two hundred times I've been seconds from screaming "Just for once, why can't you just eat a ****ing sandwich like everybody else?" but then gather myself and remember its for the best to never ever engage her in any kind of conversation.

She's off for a MONTH, as of this week, after a minor op. Its ****ing BLISS.

Me, my boss and NOISE, had a quick meeting to decide whether we needed to get a temp in to cover. We sat down with a sheet of paper listing her workload, to see what each of us could pick up, and what would be too much. It took a minute to conclude that the temp would get very bored, very quickly, so didn't bother.

Three days in, and genuinely the office is running the best it ever has.
Click to expand...

Is CRISPS back in the office?
I assume there's a MASSIVE backlog of work for her to get her prawn cocktail covered greasy hands on.
 


Stat Brother

Stat Brother

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Jul 11, 2003
73,664
West west west Sussex
dazzer6666 said:
'....so, what you DON'T want to do is pick the box up like thi.......ahhhh, f*ck..................'
Click to expand...

I believe it's worse than that, something along the lines of:-

'This is the only way you can move a pallet without hurting your ba... owwwwww'
 




B

Bodian

Well-known member
May 3, 2012
11,801
Cumbria
Stat Brother said:
I'm pleased to finally have a brief missive hopefully for the enjoyment of this thread.

Unfortunately one of our in house trainers has hurt her back.
She overexerted it while training 3 staff members in their...





....I know you know already....








...manual handling session. :lolol: :facepalm:


Previously I've also had to show her how to do one specific job in order for her to train me on how to do said job. :lol:
Click to expand...

I used to lead conservation working holidays, and the only serious injury I had was when showing the volunteers 'how not to sharpen a billhook'. Blood everywhere....
 


B

Bodian

Well-known member
May 3, 2012
11,801
Cumbria
Iggle Piggle said:
Like all of these conversations, it was down the pub. One of the team drinks very heavily, very quickly and was asleep at the table who'd earlier been bemoaning that his wife hated it when he touched her thrupnies. This prompted fish man later in the evening to say that his other half was a bit more liberal with stories of strap ons and butt plugs. Our faces gave the game away that we had more conventional lives.

Apparently they have an open relationship. Whilst he never seems to get any, she seems to hang around with his mates that play basketball. I swear I'm not making this up.
Click to expand...

I've reached 53, and don't think I've ever heard that description before. Thank you.
 










Barham's tash

Barham's tash

Well-known member
Jun 8, 2013
3,613
Rayners Lane
So our office is on a full on sustainability/environmental drive atm.

There are four sets of three bins on each floor. One for coffee cup detritus, one for recycling and the other for general.

It turns out that 90% of the recycling has been going to landfill because people are idiots and can’t fathom recycling items from not so now our recycling is limited to cans/newspapers only... and our landfill waist has gone up fourfold. What a bunch of selfish twonks most people are.
 


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