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NSC chat help needed. A family member is self harming.



I know this seems like an odd topic to bring up on NSC but I'm a bit desperate. Ive recently found out that a family member has been self harming (cutting) for a couple of years. The 'harmer's' mother is beside herself with worry and at a loss as to what to do. So far her GP's not been much help and any help offered by NHS mental health is aimed directly at the 'harmer' who is refusing to talk about it and therefore refusing to seek help.
The mother really needs some kind of support group for parents of self harmers to point her in the right direction as to how to deal with it and offer some support.
I've searched in the internet but can't find anything in the Brighton area that offers this and rung numerous numbers but with no joy.
Does anyone have experience of this and if so where did you go for help.
I appreciate that people may not want to 'go public' on this but if you do have any ideas please pm me.
Thank you all.
 

Greyrun

New member
Feb 23, 2009
1,074
Mind,Samaritans Child line and NSPCC all claim to offer help.Mind are very helpful.
 
Last edited:

beorhthelm

A. Virgo, Football Genius
Jul 21, 2003
35,237
i reckon you have to uncover and address the cause, maybe as family you are in a position to do so. im surprised theres no charities to help in the area, but for advice look further afield.
 


Cheshire Cat

The most curious thing..
A social worker (not me obviously, but they do know what they are talking about) writes....

The self harmer needs to understand the impact their problem is having on their carers (parents), and communicating that to him/her may be a start. Self harm is often connected to some form of abuse or anorexia/bulemia, and may be a statement of trying to reassert some form of control over their life. It isn't easy, takes time, effort and a lot of emotion, and there may not be the simple answer that everyone else is hoping to find. It is preferable to involve a professional. If the GP is unsympathetic get an appointment with another one asap.

Good luck.
 


Cheshire Cat, thats an interesting first line because so far everything else Ive read has suggested the opposite i.e. don't make the self harmer feel that their actions are impacting other peole as this just makes them feel more guilty and so more likely to self harm.

Stoo, Elefriends looks interesting and I shall certainly pass it on, thanks.

And thank you everyone who's replied.
 

Cheshire Cat

The most curious thing..
Cheshire Cat, thats an interesting first line because so far everything else Ive read has suggested the opposite i.e. don't make the self harmer feel that their actions are impacting other peole as this just makes them feel more guilty and so more likely to self harm.

Stoo, Elefriends looks interesting and I shall certainly pass it on, thanks.

And thank you everyone who's replied.
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/depression/self-harm.aspx

[h=3]What can I do if I know someone who self-harms?[/h]It can be very upsetting to be close to someone who self-harms - but there are things you can do. The most important is to listen to them without judging them or being critical. This can be very hard if you are upset yourself- and perhaps angry - about what they are doing. Try to concentrate on them rather than your own feelings – although this can be hard.
Do

  • Talk to them when they feel like self-harming. Try to understand their feelings, and then move the conversation onto other things.
  • Take some of the mystery out of self-harm by helping them find out about self-harm perhaps by showing them this leaflet, or by using the internet or the local library.
  • Find out about getting help - maybe go with them to see someone, such as their GP.
  • Help them to think about their self-harm not as a shameful secret, but as a problem to be sorted out.
Don't

  • Try to be their therapist – therapy is complicated and you have enough to deal with as their friend, partner or relative.
  • Expect them to stop overnight – it's difficult and takes time and effort.
  • React strongly, with anger, hurt, or upset - this is likely to make them feel worse. Talk honestly about the effect it has on you, but do this calmly and in a way that shows how much you care for them.
  • Struggle with them when they are about to self-harm – it's better to walk away and to suggest they come and talk about it rather than do it.
  • Make them promise not to do it again.
  • Say that you won't see them unless they stop self-harming.
  • Feel responsible for their self-harm or become the person who is supposed to stop them. You must get on with your own life as well. Make sure you talk to someone close to you, so you get some support.
 

Washie

Well-known member
Jun 20, 2011
5,401
Eastbourne
Cheshire Cat, thats an interesting first line because so far everything else Ive read has suggested the opposite i.e. don't make the self harmer feel that their actions are impacting other peole as this just makes them feel more guilty and so more likely to self harm.

Depends of the Initial reasons for self harm.
 


HovaGirl

I'll try a breakfast pie
Jul 16, 2009
3,139
West Hove
I have only 3 "experiences" of self-harmers, two were public faces and one I met in Casualty. One killed herself on Monday, but had previously self-harmed. She was broke but wouldn't ask the boyfriend for financial help. The other was a certain Princess whose life was out of control, apparently. The third was a sixteen-year-old I met in Casualty. In talking to her, I learnt she had been kicked out of the family home by her mother, on the orders of the Mum's new boyfriend. In all three cases, their lives seemed to have gone beyond their control, as if there was nothing they could do about their particular situations. From this, I surmise that these particular harmers were using their self-harm as a form of control in a world where they had no control. I did read somewhere, or perhaps it was the girl in Casualty who said it to me, that to self-harm is a kind of proof you exist when all else about you is falling apart.

To that end, telling the harmer how much their actions are affecting other people would only have a negative effect, because that would mean they have something else they can control - other people's pain.

Thinking about it, someone close to me tried to remove their tattoo with a saw, and that was another life which was out of control, so could be another example of controlling part of their own life by hurting themselves.
 


OzMike

Well-known member
Oct 2, 2006
12,875
Perth Australia
The GP should recommended a therapist for regular consultancies who practices in that sphere of medicine.
I know someone close to me who has gone down this route, although it took the 3rd psychologist tried to make a connection.
They are much better and progressing, actually looking toward the future prospects.
I help with the bills, because money is tight and it is not provided by Medicare here.
 

dazzer6666

Well-known member
NSC Licker Extraordinaire
Mar 27, 2013
51,892
Burgess Hill
The GP should recommended a therapist for regular consultancies who practices in that sphere of medicine.
I know someone close to me who has gone down this route, although it took the 3rd psychologist tried to make a connection.
They are much better and progressing, actually looking toward the future prospects.
I help with the bills, because money is tight and it is not provided by Medicare here.

This. The 'connection' is absolutely critical.......has to be someone the sufferer trusts (and bear in mind their mental state will not be 'normal'), which can take time to build (and can be very easily lost too).

Hope everything works out, it's great that you are supporting someone through this, really important the sufferer's carer has some help too.
 

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