The Fifth Column
Retired ex-cop
England with our decidedly average players will be shit and let us down again anyway, not before the press have built up everyone's expectations and we all delusionally think we might have a chance. Somewhere in the tournament you can guarantee the following:
A small Mediterranean referee will make a shocking decision against us and cost us the game.
England will miss a series of penalties.
An England player will be pictured dressed as a nazi storm trooper at a party in 2009 and the papers won't leave it alone, he will play badly and become the scapegoat for England's abject failure.
A group of pro-russian players will turn up for the official russian teams game against Belgium, they will annex the center circle and threaten to shoot anyone who crosses the halfway line.
There will be a South American player with a ridiculous name and similarly ridiculous haircut, the Sun headline will read along the lines of, 'anyone fancy a Brazilian' or some other pubic haircut related tomfoolery.
Sepp Blatter will deny that there are any problems as a riot rages outside a stadium and protestors are shot dead by police snipers, Blatter will claim it has nothing to do with football or the World Cup and will be escorted out by an armed guard.
The entire Aussie team will be pictured enjoying the delights of a Rio brothel, they will be hailed as dinky die hero blokes in Australia.
An England player will be pictured looking in the direction of a topless teenage hooker 50 yards away on a beach, he will be sent home and forced to front a 'kick prostitution out of football' campaign.
Any others?
A small Mediterranean referee will make a shocking decision against us and cost us the game.
England will miss a series of penalties.
An England player will be pictured dressed as a nazi storm trooper at a party in 2009 and the papers won't leave it alone, he will play badly and become the scapegoat for England's abject failure.
A group of pro-russian players will turn up for the official russian teams game against Belgium, they will annex the center circle and threaten to shoot anyone who crosses the halfway line.
There will be a South American player with a ridiculous name and similarly ridiculous haircut, the Sun headline will read along the lines of, 'anyone fancy a Brazilian' or some other pubic haircut related tomfoolery.
Sepp Blatter will deny that there are any problems as a riot rages outside a stadium and protestors are shot dead by police snipers, Blatter will claim it has nothing to do with football or the World Cup and will be escorted out by an armed guard.
The entire Aussie team will be pictured enjoying the delights of a Rio brothel, they will be hailed as dinky die hero blokes in Australia.
An England player will be pictured looking in the direction of a topless teenage hooker 50 yards away on a beach, he will be sent home and forced to front a 'kick prostitution out of football' campaign.
Any others?
