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Joke...



Seagull on the wing

New member
Sep 22, 2010
7,458
Hailsham
British tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (H.M Revenue &Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham

after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle

scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole

of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was Unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

*"Who did I miss out?"


(Cue I'm offended...this is racist...blah blah blah!):wave:
 


DavidinSouthampton

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Jan 3, 2012
16,540
British tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (H.M Revenue &Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham

after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle

scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole

of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was Unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

*"Who did I miss out?"


(Cue I'm offended...this is racist...blah blah blah!):wave:

Not offended. It's not particularly racist. It's just not very funny - all a bit obvious.

EDIT - PS - and presumably the 2.1 million illegal immigrants would not be able to claim anything off the state anyway.
 




Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
14,747
Not offended. It's not particularly racist. It's just not very funny - all a bit obvious.

EDIT - PS - and presumably the 2.1 million illegal immigrants would not be able to claim anything off the state anyway.

This.

Plus, there is no way that all of those people could be dependant on his tax, even if he paid the top rate. He might as well say anyone that benefits from the services that taxes go towards, which means, er, everyone.

Apart from that, carry on...
 


Brovion

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Jul 6, 2003
19,322
Often these 'joke du jour' threads are quite funny in that the joke is de-constructed and the logical absurdities (which are often the source of the humour) are pointed out. Can't do it this time as it's not a 'joke' as such. As has been pointed out unless the person's tax bill was several hundred billion pounds then he did not have all those people dependent on him anyway.
 




Seagull on the wing

New member
Sep 22, 2010
7,458
Hailsham
His money goes to the government who in turn pay out for these...who is that money is paid too....all of those mentioned...therefore he is paying for those people...albeit a small amount...
 




grubbyhands

Well-known member
Dec 8, 2011
2,283
Godalming
What's the matter with you lot , where I come from that's not a bad effort? Lighten up, after all we're going to hammer 'Wednesday tonight aren't we? Keep it up S.O.T.W.
 




Brovion

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Jul 6, 2003
19,322
His money goes to the government who in turn pay out for these...who is that money is paid too....all of those mentioned...therefore he is paying for those people...albeit a small amount...
But it also pays my Mum's Old Age Pension. Are you saying he's right to deprive an old lady (who'd paid her taxes and NI contributions all her life) of her financial support?
 


I thought it was rather good to be fair.

Reminds me of this:

”Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,
 


User removed 4

New member
May 9, 2008
13,331
Haywards Heath
My wife and I were on holiday and after a few sambucas and hours of hard persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arrse. I was over the fvcking moon because there was absolutely no way I could get another 8 pouches of Golden Virginia in our case!
 




Trufflehound

Re-enfranchised
Aug 5, 2003
14,104
The democratic and free EU
In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?"

I don't believe this is a real question on a UK tax return. If it was, I would have exptected HM Revenue and Customs at least to have spelled 'dependent' correctly.

I think this whole story is fabricated.
 


nwgull

Well-known member
Jul 25, 2003
13,653
Manchester
I don't believe this is a real question on a UK tax return. If it was, I would have exptected HM Revenue and Customs at least to have spelled 'dependent' correctly.

I think this whole story is fabricated.

Surely not. Next thing you'll be telling me that all these virus/financials scam/kiddie fiddler warnings that I get subjected to on Facebook by some of the thickos that I went to school with are just hoaxes.
 


Trufflehound

Re-enfranchised
Aug 5, 2003
14,104
The democratic and free EU
Surely not. Next thing you'll be telling me that all these virus/financials scam/kiddie fiddler warnings that I get subjected to on Facebook by some of the thickos that I went to school with are just hoaxes.

No, those are all true. It's a bad, bad world out there. Run for the hills.
 




Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
14,747
His money goes to the government who in turn pay out for these...who is that money is paid too....all of those mentioned...therefore he is paying for those people...albeit a small amount...

How do you know that though? You've listed roughly nine million people - you reckon his a bit of his tax goes to ALL of them? And anyway, it's not his money, is it? When you buy something in Tesco for £1.50, that money isn't yours anymore is it? The tax is the government's money.
 


chimneys

Well-known member
Jun 11, 2007
3,582
The tax-dodging shareholders of Vodafone, Tesco, HSBC ... ?

That's pretty much everyone saving for a personal private pension, which is the majority of wage earners in the country! So only public sector workers (and the few left in the private sector) with their gold plated final salary pensions who are not dependant. Hang on a minute....
 


Danny-Boy

Banned
Apr 21, 2009
5,579
The Coast
My wife and I were on holiday and after a few sambucas and hours of hard persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arrse. I was over the fvcking moon because there was absolutely no way I could get another 8 pouches of Golden Virginia in our case!

That made me laugh!

As did this: A woman I know took a load of stuff to sell at the local car-boot sale. All the takings have gone into her bill for breat-enlargement. So it really was a case of "tit for tat".
 






sydney

tinky ****in winky
Jul 11, 2003
17,737
town full of eejits
the truth still hurts though , 15 years on it still rings true.......the world is full of scrounging , incompetent ,tools.
 





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