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Best jokes from Edinburgh Festival





essbee

New member
Jan 5, 2005
3,656
Sorry - top joke is by Rob Auton:

"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
 




Was not Was

Loitering with intent
Jul 31, 2003
1,586
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
 


Postman Pat

Well-known member
Jul 24, 2007
6,971
Coldean
The top 10 were:

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
 






Barrel of Fun

Abort, retry, fail
Oh god. I've read this so many times and I still don't get it. Please someone explain it!

Any woman could be his birth mother, so there is a risk that the lapdancer is her.

However, if the lapdancer were to be of an ethnic group of which he shows no signs of genetic features then it is unlikely that she is her. Unless she underwent IVF with an egg of a different ethnic group.
 










Acker79

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Nov 15, 2008
31,765
Brighton
Your mum COULD be a lapdancer, if you've never met her

I thought it was more a play on the idea that all lap dancers have abandonment issues because of absent fathers, possibly that he means he has become a lapdancer because of the abandonment issue and doesn't enjoy giving them?
 




MattBackHome

Well-known member
Jul 7, 2003
11,689
I thought it was more a play on the idea that all lap dancers have abandonment issues because of absent fathers, possibly that he means he has become a lapdancer because of the abandonment issue and doesn't enjoy giving them?

Yeah I thought that. Or that his abandonment issues are brought to the fore when experiencing a lapace as he's only too aware of the mirrored issues in that profession.

Anyway, I think it's all in the delivery.
 




DavidinSouthampton

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Jan 3, 2012
16,540
:lolol:, oh, I now feel quite stupid....

though surely he would just play it safe and pick the youngest lapdancer....

Ok. I'll stop now.

If a joke needs explaining, it is not funny. Don't worry about it. I didn't laugh at it when I read them, thought I understood it, and have had that understanding confirmed by other comments. So I understood it and didn't think it was funny anyway.
 






Stat Brother

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Jul 11, 2003
73,381
West west west Sussex
Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

Just doesn't quite work.
There's definitely a one-liner there, it's almost as if he has the words in the wrong order.
 




Tricky Dicky

New member
Jul 27, 2004
13,558
Sunny Shoreham
The top 10 were:

Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Why is it that when I read those, in my head I hear them all being told by Tim Vine.
 




tinycowboy

Well-known member
Aug 9, 2008
4,002
Canterbury
For me, Tim Vine is the master of this type of joke. Here are a few:

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I could go on, but I'll stop there....
 





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