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This is very amussing - Poor Palarse



dadams2k11

ID10T Error
Jun 24, 2011
4,943
Brighton
http://www.cartilagefreecaptain.com/2013/8/16/4611970/tottenham-hotspur-crystal-palace-preview-epl?

Your Team Is Getting Relegated: Crystal Palace
By Lennon's Eyebrow  @GaryRootbeer on Aug 16 2013, 2:00p 28

Ahead of Spurs' upcoming match, we preview why their opponent is completely terrible and going to get relegated.

In a new series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.

If you're a Crystal Palace fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.

Your Club Sucks: Your team's name sounds like a whore house. And not like a cool sexy bordello where nubile young women are desperate to fulfill your every depraved whim. Crystal Palace sounds like the desperate attempt to inject a faux sense of class into a seedy massage parlor where haggard middle-aged women give depressing handjobs for a tenner to an even more depressing clientele.

And it's even sadder because you don't even play at the Crystal Palace anymore. Even the trophyless nomads had the good sense to change their names once they wandered out of Woolwich. If you can't come up with a good one, just rip off somebody else's, like you've done with every other piece of your "history". You ripped off "borrowed" Aston Villa's kits for a while, then you ripped off Madrid's white before finally settling on *******izing Barcelona. And then you stole your nickname "The Eagles" from Benfica, because "Football Parasites" just didn't have the same ring to it.

And your playing history isn't any more impressive. You've been relegated in your first season in the Premier League every. single. time.

Your Owner Sucks: Oh wait, what owner? You mean the fan club that sits in the owner's box? White knight Steve Parish led the consortium of four lifelong Palace fans that saved your club from administration in 2010. And while that makes for an adorable made-for-tv movie, it is not going to translate to Premiership success.

Money-man Jeremy Hosking's entire "fortune" couldn't even pay for Joe Lewis's yacht. But he does have an adorable collection of steam locomotives, which is a perfectly normal way for a grown man to behave.

Ultimately you just don't have anywhere near the finances to compete at this level. Your team is held together with wishes and candyfloss and all the happy thoughts in the world aren't going to keep you in Never Never Land.

Your Last Season Sucked: Congratulations on fluking your way through the playoff system at the expense of better teams! Your reckless display of attacking extravagance may have seen you to a heady fifth place finish in the Championship, but playing against real defenders and attackers capable of slicing through your supposed back four on a whim is going to be a much tougher prospect.

Your Coach Sucks: Ian Holloway, the human sound byte masquerading as your football manager, spends more time thinking up bluff witticisms to feed the press than he does teaching his squad how to play football. Holloway has built a reputation on amusing one-liners that paper of over his complete inability to run a football team.

The last time he was in the Premier League, his side was constructed around Charlie Adam. And then it got relegated. Because of course it did.

Your Players Suck: Last year your success was built on the back of 30 goals from Glenn Murray, the new Grant Holt/Rickie Lambert who will now miss at least half the upcoming season after having misplaced the ligaments in his knee. The fledgling talents of dynamic young try-hard Wilfried Zaha have also gone missing after he decided to hilariously attempt to punch above his weight at Manchester United.

So who's left? Ex-Newcastle defender Peter Ramage will attempt to anchor the the back line while 19 year old Welsh attacker Jon Williams will flit up and down the pitch pretending to be Gareth Bale. Argentine goalkeeper and fans' three-time player of the year Julian Speroni will presumably set a record for number of times valiantly picking the ball out of the back of the net.

When the best player you have left in a team built around relentless attack is defensive midfielder Mile Jedinak, your gameplan probably isn't going to go quite as Holloway imagined it. But I'm sure he'll have a hilarious zinger for his post match interview.

Your New Signings Suck: So you've lost your best players, and instead of trying to replace them with actual footballers, you thought you'd have a laugh on your way back down to the Championship. 97 year old Kevin Phillips, League One striker Dwight Gayle, and grease-headed "striker" Marouane Chamakh have all come in to fill the goalscoring void with a three-ring circus. So.... good luck with that?

And 20 year-old England International Zaha surely won't be missed now that you've brought in the extensive Premier League experience of Jerome Thomas. At least he's experienced in getting relegated, having gone down with Charlton and later being released from relegation-bound Portsmouth for not being good at football. He's sure to come in handy around March when your fate is already sealed.

Somehow you have managed to find one bright spot in the two-time U-19 UEFA Championship winning Spanish midfielder Jose Campana, on whose 20 year-old shoulders rests basically your entire season. Now that you've miraculously convinced him to join your sinking ship, you can probably release his family from captivity.

Why you might escape the drop: Because dreams do come true! But not for you. Sorry, Crystal Palace.
 

Publius Ovidius

Well-known member
Jul 5, 2003
45,891
at home
I assume that is written by an American?
 

Arthur

Well-known member
Jul 8, 2003
8,527
Buxted Harbour
I assume that is written by an American?

Quite! Who other than Americans use the expression suck as a derogatory word.

Last time anyone sucked anything of mine I very much enjoyed it!

On a related vibe can any of the kids on here explain to me why saying something is "sick" means that it is a good thing?
 


Alternative opinions are available, on the same website. Whether they are credible is another matter altogether.

http://www.cartilagefreecaptain.com...tenham-hotspur-previews-crystal-palace-defeat

Tottenham Hotspur doomed to defeat against Crystal Palace

By Skipjack on Aug 16 2013, 2:35p

Hello darkness, my old friend.

Lennon's Eyebrow's article earlier today is absolutely adorable, but that kind of pie in the sky, boundless optimism has no place in Tottenham Hotspur fandom. Let's not kid ourselves. We're doomed. You know it. I know it. Daniel Levy knows it. Adele knows it. Why else do you think her songs are so sad?

They're sad because there's no possible way we can hope to beat Crystal Palace.

Fundamentally, we're at a disadvantage. They're named after a building built to show off the British Empire at its peak to the entire world. We're named after a guy named Percy. Our inferiority is baked into the cake here, guys.

It's the first game of the season. Our squad is integrating a hundred players. We're all unsettled by the Bale nonsense. Their squad is settled and its their first game back in the top flight in years AND its at home. You know they'll come out like a house of fire, ready to terrify our weak willed team of foreigners. They just got promoted on the back of a playoff! When's the last time we've won a playoff?

They're even run better than us. They sold their skinny winner for a bucket full of cash so they could reinvest in world class internationals like Marouane Chamakh, who free of Arsene Wenger's influence, will surely destroy us in the way that politics destroyed Hamsterdam. We're so foolish we won't even offload Gareth Bale for a world record transfer fee. How can we expect to invest in world class talent like Chamahk or Kevin Phillips if we wait until the last minute to get the money to really do our business? Who have we signed? An over the hill spanish striker? A guy named little Paul?

We come into the game with an unsettled backline having sold the heart of our team and living legend Steven Caulker while they still have their core team together, the one that scrapped through the Championship and won their way into the Premier League, which is more than we've done in ages. Their elite front line of Chamakh's unshackled talent and Kevin Phillips' eight decades of footballing experience is going to tear us to shreds on Sunday. We certainly aren't going to crack their defense with our uncreative midfield that still has not recovered from the loss of Rafael Van Der Vaart. And without Bale our only hope for a goal is if Palace's owners decide to be merciful and sign David James and his haircut to patrol their net.

Oh sweet merciful jesus this is it. This is the end. We'll be relegated for sure on Sunday.

RIP THFC, you guys. It's been real
 

willyfantastic

New member
Mar 1, 2009
2,368
Just sounds like a typical Tottenham fan tbh. Not even worth a retort. I have (considerably) more respect for Brighton than I do Tottenham. Most deluded fans in the League, which is saying something.

same applies over here. far more respect for palace than spurs. almost every spurs fan i have met has been absolutely unbearable when it came to talking about football - you'd think they'd just won their third champions league in a row
 


Psalm 56:5

Banned
May 19, 2013
400
same applies over here. far more respect for palace than spurs. almost every spurs fan i have met has been absolutely unbearable when it came to talking about football - you'd think they'd just won their third champions league in a row

I quite like talking to Brighton fans tbh. Not trying to turn this into some love in, but we basically have similar fanbases and Brighton fans are pretty normal and can chat about football normally.* Tottenham fans tend to know nothing about lower league clubs, or even much outside their own. Think their club invented football and other clubs all slaver over watching them. Talking to them about football is painful.

Easier to just avoid, and I honestly could not give a shit what they think about my club or any other.

*Though obviously you're all still c-units. That goes without saying and I'd be disappointed if the same didn't hold true in reverse
 

Paul Reids Sock

Well-known member
Nov 3, 2004
4,458
Paul Reids boot
Quite! Who other than Americans use the expression suck as a derogatory word.

Last time anyone sucked anything of mine I very much enjoyed it!

On a related vibe can any of the kids on here explain to me why saying something is "sick" means that it is a good thing?

I don't understand and loads of my mates have been saying it for years. The one that gets me is a very good mate that says things are 'ill'. When I asked him why this wording was being used he said 'Cos, when you're sick, you're ill innit'

Luckily in the years I have known him he has stopped saying it quite so much and I now fool myself into thinking he is just having a laugh and pretending to be down with the kids when he says it.
 


Spicy

We're going up.
Dec 18, 2003
6,038
London
The only thing I would say, and I am not standing up in Palace's defence as I hate the lot of them, but I suspect we would have suffered similar ridicule at the hands of these Premiership egotistical dullards if we had gone up.
 

Superphil

Dismember
Jul 7, 2003
25,387
In a pile of football shirts
Quite! Who other than Americans use the expression suck as a derogatory word.

Last time anyone sucked anything of mine I very much enjoyed it!

On a related vibe can any of the kids on here explain to me why saying something is "sick" means that it is a good thing?

That'll be the same kids who use the word suck as a derogatory word.
 

wellquickwoody

Many More Voting Years
NSC Licker Extraordinaire
Aug 10, 2007
13,577
Melbourne
http://www.cartilagefreecaptain.com/2013/8/16/4611970/tottenham-hotspur-crystal-palace-preview-epl?

Your Team Is Getting Relegated: Crystal Palace
By Lennon's Eyebrow  @GaryRootbeer on Aug 16 2013, 2:00p 28

Ahead of Spurs' upcoming match, we preview why their opponent is completely terrible and going to get relegated.

In a new series shamelessly stolen from Deadspin great Drew Magary, Cartilage Free Captain will preview each opponent before we face them and explain to you exactly why they're complete crap and doomed for the drop.

If you're a Crystal Palace fan, that's too bad. Your team sucks and you're going to get relegated.

Your Club Sucks: Your team's name sounds like a whore house. And not like a cool sexy bordello where nubile young women are desperate to fulfill your every depraved whim. Crystal Palace sounds like the desperate attempt to inject a faux sense of class into a seedy massage parlor where haggard middle-aged women give depressing handjobs for a tenner to an even more depressing clientele.

And it's even sadder because you don't even play at the Crystal Palace anymore. Even the trophyless nomads had the good sense to change their names once they wandered out of Woolwich. If you can't come up with a good one, just rip off somebody else's, like you've done with every other piece of your "history". You ripped off "borrowed" Aston Villa's kits for a while, then you ripped off Madrid's white before finally settling on *******izing Barcelona. And then you stole your nickname "The Eagles" from Benfica, because "Football Parasites" just didn't have the same ring to it.

And your playing history isn't any more impressive. You've been relegated in your first season in the Premier League every. single. time.

Your Owner Sucks: Oh wait, what owner? You mean the fan club that sits in the owner's box? White knight Steve Parish led the consortium of four lifelong Palace fans that saved your club from administration in 2010. And while that makes for an adorable made-for-tv movie, it is not going to translate to Premiership success.

Money-man Jeremy Hosking's entire "fortune" couldn't even pay for Joe Lewis's yacht. But he does have an adorable collection of steam locomotives, which is a perfectly normal way for a grown man to behave.

Ultimately you just don't have anywhere near the finances to compete at this level. Your team is held together with wishes and candyfloss and all the happy thoughts in the world aren't going to keep you in Never Never Land.

Your Last Season Sucked: Congratulations on fluking your way through the playoff system at the expense of better teams! Your reckless display of attacking extravagance may have seen you to a heady fifth place finish in the Championship, but playing against real defenders and attackers capable of slicing through your supposed back four on a whim is going to be a much tougher prospect.

Your Coach Sucks: Ian Holloway, the human sound byte masquerading as your football manager, spends more time thinking up bluff witticisms to feed the press than he does teaching his squad how to play football. Holloway has built a reputation on amusing one-liners that paper of over his complete inability to run a football team.

The last time he was in the Premier League, his side was constructed around Charlie Adam. And then it got relegated. Because of course it did.

Your Players Suck: Last year your success was built on the back of 30 goals from Glenn Murray, the new Grant Holt/Rickie Lambert who will now miss at least half the upcoming season after having misplaced the ligaments in his knee. The fledgling talents of dynamic young try-hard Wilfried Zaha have also gone missing after he decided to hilariously attempt to punch above his weight at Manchester United.

So who's left? Ex-Newcastle defender Peter Ramage will attempt to anchor the the back line while 19 year old Welsh attacker Jon Williams will flit up and down the pitch pretending to be Gareth Bale. Argentine goalkeeper and fans' three-time player of the year Julian Speroni will presumably set a record for number of times valiantly picking the ball out of the back of the net.

When the best player you have left in a team built around relentless attack is defensive midfielder Mile Jedinak, your gameplan probably isn't going to go quite as Holloway imagined it. But I'm sure he'll have a hilarious zinger for his post match interview.

Your New Signings Suck: So you've lost your best players, and instead of trying to replace them with actual footballers, you thought you'd have a laugh on your way back down to the Championship. 97 year old Kevin Phillips, League One striker Dwight Gayle, and grease-headed "striker" Marouane Chamakh have all come in to fill the goalscoring void with a three-ring circus. So.... good luck with that?

And 20 year-old England International Zaha surely won't be missed now that you've brought in the extensive Premier League experience of Jerome Thomas. At least he's experienced in getting relegated, having gone down with Charlton and later being released from relegation-bound Portsmouth for not being good at football. He's sure to come in handy around March when your fate is already sealed.

Somehow you have managed to find one bright spot in the two-time U-19 UEFA Championship winning Spanish midfielder Jose Campana, on whose 20 year-old shoulders rests basically your entire season. Now that you've miraculously convinced him to join your sinking ship, you can probably release his family from captivity.

Why you might escape the drop: Because dreams do come true! But not for you. Sorry, Crystal Palace.

Makes me dislike Spurs more than Palace, if that is possible.

Self congratulatory bollocks from a Premier League participant that has won jack shit for 20 years. Sad part is that some north London Muppet has spent an age writing it, you ain't worth that Palace.
 


wellquickwoody

Many More Voting Years
NSC Licker Extraordinaire
Aug 10, 2007
13,577
Melbourne
I don't understand and loads of my mates have been saying it for years. The one that gets me is a very good mate that says things are 'ill'. When I asked him why this wording was being used he said 'Cos, when you're sick, you're ill innit'

Luckily in the years I have known him he has stopped saying it quite so much and I now fool myself into thinking he is just having a laugh and pretending to be down with the kids when he says it.

I had to deal with an account application from a 'London' based company today. They called themselves 'Ay Kleenz Masheenz', their address should have read 'Innit B3, So and So Industrial Estate, etc etc.......
 

D'Angelo Saxon

SW19ULLS
Jul 30, 2004
3,097
SW19
On a related vibe can any of the kids on here explain to me why saying something is "sick" means that it is a good thing?

Come come now. Flipping the meaning of a negative word to a positive meaning has been around since the eighties. As Run DMC explained, "its not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good".
 

Pavilionaire

Well-known member
Jul 7, 2003
30,499
I thought that blog was quite funny. Palace are a shit club and its interesting to hear a different perspective on how and why they're shit.
 

Bwian

Kiss my (_!_)
Jul 14, 2003
15,898
What is 'amussing'?
 


Soulman

New member
Oct 22, 2012
10,966
Sompting
What is 'amussing'?

This 17th August............:lol: Around the Selhurst area..
Bridget Driscoll (died 17 August 1896, aged 44 years) was the first pedestrian victim of an automobile accident in the United Kingdom.As she and her teenage daughter May (and possibly one other person) crossed the grounds of the Crystal Palace in London, she was struck by an automobile belonging to the Anglo-French Motor Carriage Company that was being used to give demonstration rides. One witness described the car as travelling at "a reckless pace, in fact, like a fire engine".

Although the car's maximum speed was 8 miles per hour (13 km/h) it had been limited deliberately to 4 miles per hour.
 

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