Cooperisms

Seagull on the wing · May 23, 2011

Apologies if this has been done before but I love Tommy Cooper style jokes,would like to hear some more...start off with a couple....

A mate of mine is addicted to drinking brake fluid,I said that's a nasty habit you've got there. He said No,I can stop anytime!

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.As I was standing there four Pall Bearers passed carrying a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking about with it. I thought Hello,they've lost the plot!

Sure some of you genius minded folk can come up with others.

rocker959 · May 23, 2011

BHA Cooperman en route to Blackburn Rovers away 1991

rocker959 · May 23, 2011

ah haaaaaa

rocker959 · May 23, 2011

Genius

Norman Potting · May 23, 2011

I went to the doctors the other day and said "Doctor, it hurts when I do this", he said "don't do it then".

I went to the doctors the other day and read one of the papers in the waiting room. Wasn't that dreadful about the "Titanic".

I rang the swimming pool the other day, when they answered I said "is that the local swimming pool?", they said "it depends where you are ringing from".

I went to the dentist the other day, before I sat down he said "say aaaaah", I said "why?", he said "my dog just died".

...And who can forget "bottle, glass, glass, bottle".

Seagull on the wing · May 23, 2011

rocker959 said:
BHA Cooperman en route to Blackburn Rovers away 1991

Lol!... Are you sure that C stands for Cooperman?

Seagull on the wing · May 23, 2011

Couple more...My son has been asking for a pet spider for his birthday.I went to a pet shop and they were £70. Blow that I thought,I can get one cheaper off the web!

I was driving this morning when I saw this RAC van parked up.The driver was sobbong uncontrollably and looked very miserable.I thought to myself'That guy is heading for a breakdown'

rocker959 · May 23, 2011

Seagull on the wing said:
Lol!... Are you sure that C stands for Cooperman?

hehehe lol

Jesus Gul · May 23, 2011

Just come back from my holiday in Spain. It was 40 degrees in the shade...so I stood in the sun

I've been bobsleighing...I've sleighed twenty Bobs

Blackadder · May 23, 2011

Seagull on the wing said:
Couple more...My son has been asking for a pet spider for his birthday.I went to a pet shop and they were £70. Blow that I thought,I can get one cheaper off the web!

I may have misunderstood the joke but, bearing in mind he died in 1984, I'm not sure he would have cracked a joke about the web. If he did, doubt many people would have got it.

Left Back · May 23, 2011

Man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

Acker79 · May 23, 2011

Blackadder said:
I may have misunderstood the joke but, bearing in mind he died in 1984, I'm not sure he would have cracked a joke about the web. If he did, doubt many people would have got it.

"Cooperisms" are tommy cooper-style jokes, not exclusively tommy cooper jokes.

Thunder Bolt · May 23, 2011

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

Surrey_Albion · May 23, 2011

Just a few for you

When I was younger I wanted t be a milkman, but I never had the bottle

Black Beauty, now theres a dark horse

I went to the Doctors, I said doc somedays I feel like a Teepee other days like a wigwam, He said "You're just two tents"

A man walked into the Docotrs wearing nothing but shorts made of cling-film, the doctor said"Well, clearly I can see your nuts"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'with all the excirment of Christmas I can't sleep''
he said ' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you'll soon drop off'

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite

Two Blondes walk into a shop....You wouldve thought one of them would have seen it

deakers · May 23, 2011

I went up in the loft with the wife the other day. Dirty, horrible, covered in cobwebs. She's good to the kids though.

I saw this girl the other day, beautiful hair, all down her back. None on her head, just all down her back.

Surrey_Albion · May 23, 2011

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

A vagrant man was sitting on the ground, at the back of him anorak was moving about and jumping up and down so people gave him money, i said"Do you earn a living from that?" he said "Yes, its my livelyhood"

I slept like a log last night, I woke up in the fire place

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

"Doctor, I can't pronounce words with F's, T's and H's in them."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.

Easy 10 · May 23, 2011

I went to a petshop today and said "I want to buy a wasp". The bloke behind the counter said "we don't sell wasps". "Well you've got two in the window" I said.

Barrow Boy · May 23, 2011

My feet are killing me, every time I get into bed they get hold of me round the neck!

I was walking home the other night when a man stepped out of a doorway and asked me if I'd seen any Policemen nearby, I said "no", he said "stick em up".

The Buttery Biscuit Base · May 23, 2011

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'

Muzzy · May 23, 2011

Went into a gym the other day and asked the assistant if i could sign up... she replied "what do you want to achieve"?.. so I said "I want to learn how to do the splits"... She responded by asking " are you flexible"?... So i said "yes, but i can't make Tuesday's or Thursday's".

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