I can't help but read some of these posts in a Simon Day voice....

Quote Originally Posted by fataddick View Post
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And here's the scores on the doors. How did your so-called hooligan top lad do. Is he a man or a mouse. Or a mug. Or a macaroni? Who is the Weakest Link goodbye.

1. How many times did Blackburn get run at Ewood Park in the 83-84 season?

CORRECT Clever lad. Yes, it's a famous trick question. Even most of the bigboys from back in the day wrongly say four when asked, largely as their memories are so shot to shit from too many Bertie Bassetts in their retirement that they can't remember where they left their cockrings (one of the main weapons in the day, as well you know) let alone anything else. Well done.

2. What did Bam Bam from the Hullbellies end up getting sent down for?

CORRECT/WRONG He got a suspended sentence for that. He went to nick for claiming his knuckledusters as a fully reclaimable business expense on his 80-81 tax return. Every **** knows knuckledusters are a capital purchase, and their cost has to be claimed over three tax years (five if brass). The cheeky sod.

3. How did Freddie Foureyes of Oxford's Biscuitshitter Crew lose one of his (actual) eyes?

WRONG You just made that up as you hadn't a clue. As if one of the Biscuitshitter Crew would attend a game, they only followed football for the toe to toe action, they were all lacrosse fans when it came to sport. The real story, should you care to be educated: Everyone knows Freddie was a solo operative, always off doing his own extreme thing away from the rest of his firm. One time when Port Vale were coming to town, he not only found out which train the Dodgy Boiler Unit bigboys were on, but also which carriage. So he camped up at Heyford station (which the train was due to pass through without stopping) ready to headbutt the DBU's carriage as the train went past. DBU were well ahead of the game - that's the problem of being a solo operative - and had a spotter on the platforms of all of the stations their train was due to go through (except Berkswell, 'cause everyone refused to do it in case people started nicknaming them 'the berk' afterwards). The spotter at Heyford recognised Freddie, and got a message (via carrier pigeon) to the boys on the train. By lucky coincidence (lucky for the DBU, less lucky for Freddie!) the Oxford University Javelin Team were on the same train. DBU half-inched their gear and shoved javelins out of all the windows just as they went through Heyford. That was the day Freddie Foureyes became Freddie Threeeyes (or Freddie Twoeyes if he ever wore a monocle, which to my knowledge he never did).

4. What's a 'Grimsby smile'?

CORRECT/WRONG That's the civilian definition, which everyone on here will know. The ITK term is quite different and is one of the four 'smiles'. The Chelsea Smile, where you shove a credit card in some mug's gob, even the most naive scarfer/civilian on here will have heard of. The Peterborough Smile is where you gag them with a load of 50p's on a bit of gaffer tape. The Portsmouth Smile is the same thing, but with 10p's. The Grimsby Smile is what you did when you were skint, or had forgotten to bring your wallet out with you. It was when you took off one of your socks, did a shit in it, and stuck it in your opponent's mouth. I'm sure you did it - we all did - but I guess you didn't know what it was called. Schoolboy mistake. I'm disappointed, frankly.

5. What sort of people were banned from joining Walsall's 8.53 To New Street Firm?

WRONG This was before the Beano Bandits was even formed (they were an off-shoot of the Badger Baiters, not the 8.53 To New Street Firm, anyway, as I'm sure you know). The actual answer: Milkmen. The 8.53 To New Street Firm's general, Bigboned Phil, banned them from joining after he found out his wife had been shagging one while he was away on missions. Postmen, Eggmen, Paper Boys, Jehovah's Witnesses and the Duke of Westminster were also added to the ban list over the course of that season.


You ain't done as badly as I thought you would, so I'll take you at face value for the moment. But I'll be watching in case you start sucking up other lads' doings. Take credit where it's due, take liberties wherever you can. Live long and **** shit up, brother.