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+--Forum: NSC Gold
+---Topic: Falmer day 1 report! started by El Presidente
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 18 2003,14:35

< Argus Report >

But for those of you too lazy to link....


Brighton and Hove Albion launched its case for a new stadium at Falmer by saying the club's survival depended on the plans going ahead.

Jonathan Clay, representing the club and speaking today at the opening of a crucial public inquiry into the proposals, said the stadium was the key to the club's future.

Mr Clay said the 22,000-seater community stadium was essential to the cultural and urban regeneration of Brighton and Hove.

Watched by about three dozen Albion fans (hats off to them), Mr Clay said: "It is our case that the very survival of the club depends upon the success of this application. Its collapse would leave this region unrepresented at any level in the football league or premier league."

He told the inquiry at Hove Town Hall that siting any major development in the South Downs area of outstanding natural beauty (ANOB) would be controversial.

He said: "It is the club's case that the provision of a modern, safe, comfortable and convenient stadium for a city of the size and regional importance of the city of Brighton and Hove is a consideration of national significance."

Mr Clay likened Brighton to Barcelona in terms of its regional importance and that it was "simply extraordinary" that the team found itself in cramped, temporary accommodation at Withdean due to that ****er Archer and his lackey David Belotti.

He went on: "It is our case that Falmer is the right place for the new stadium. The identification of Falmer has not arisen as the least worst option.

"Rather, the case for the club is that this is a first-class site, partly on previously developed land next to the A27 trunk road and the Brighton-Lewes railway line and surrounded on all four sides by roads, railways and other built development.

"The club has carried out a careful and structured assessment of the landscape and historic features of the area and have concluded that the impact of the development is acceptable."

The stadium site itself is outside the proposed South Downs National Park. The coach park would be inside the proposed boundaries.

The club announced this morning that a planned coach park south of Village Way had been dropped.

Robert White, representing Lewes District Council and the NIMBY alliance, said the stadium was a major commercial development and "little weight" to its impact on the AONB had been given by the club or by Brighton and Hove City Council.

He said there would be significant environmental harm and any decision on the stadium's future should focus on conserving an area of national landscape importance.

He added: "It is axiomatic that development of this scale and kind fails to enhance or conserve this area of outstanding natural beauty. Everyone knows that the university, with it's 1960 style grey concrete buildings, is up there with the Eiffel Tower and Taj Mahal as a beautiful piece of architecture, so a stadium would clearly be an eyesore"

He then hugged a bunny and climbed into his sleeping bag in a nearby tree.

Brighton and Hove City Council said it backed the stadium.

Its representative, Mary Macpherson, said: "The city council is confident that a stunning proposal by Brighton and Hove Albion Football Club is correctly sited, meets all the relevant national policy criteria, will make an unparalleled contribution to the economic wellbeing of the city and the wider area, and ought to be built."

Supporters and objectors will speak at the inquiry, which is scheduled to run until April 4 but may be extended.

The inspector's report and recommendations will be sent to the deputy Prime Minister's office in the summer.

A final decision is not expected until September or October.
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Posted by: ChapmansThe Saviour on Feb. 18 2003,14:37

So they dropped the plans for the coach park. Why? Coz of those ****ing NIMBY's again. Twats, they got the ****ing boundary moved. God they make me angry.
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Posted by: Cheshire Dolphin on Feb. 18 2003,14:40

There you have it - it's official. The Barcalona of the south east!

Did Robert White really hug a bunny?!
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Posted by: Tooting Gull on Feb. 18 2003,14:45

Very good El Pres. But this is England now, you're not allowed to manipulate the news for own propaganda purposes here like in your tin-pot South American republics. Unless it's the club site, of course, that's different.
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Posted by: Herne Hill Seagull on Feb. 18 2003,14:48



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
..'the team found itself in cramped, temporary accommodation at Withdean due to that ****er Archer and his lackey David Belotti...'
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


I assume you're paraphrasing here aswell?

If only the Anus wrote such simple truths...


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Posted by: Stumpy Tim on Feb. 18 2003,14:49

I saw the report on the local news. And there was Lord Bracknell - looking interested & hairy as always
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 18 2003,14:52

I may have misspelled a word or two, but did provide a link to the Argus comrades so you can see their actual version ... along with a picture of the bunny that was hugged.



---------------------QUOTE-------------------
that ****er Archer and his lackey David Belotti
---------------------QUOTE-------------------



I was trying to say it politely but it just slipped out, honest. If you have a better way to describe our very own version of Monty Burns and Smithers them please say so
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Posted by: Cheshire Dolphin on Feb. 18 2003,15:08



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------


---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
..'the team found itself in cramped, temporary accommodation at Withdean due to that ****er Archer and his lackey David Belotti...'
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


I assume you're paraphrasing here aswell?

If only the Anus wrote such simple truths...


---------------------QUOTE-------------------


It's funny - I didn't even notice!

Just shows how naturally those words sit together...
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Posted by: Perseus on Feb. 18 2003,15:28

< MORE INFO FROM THE ARGUS >
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Posted by: Storer68 on Feb. 18 2003,16:02

I notice that the ******** sent along their chief tree hugging bunny lover, Chris Baker, to cover the opening day.............

Tho its nice to know that even his employers have admitted tha they can't rely on Naylor to report the Albion even remotely fairly now by not sending him.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 18 2003,17:45

Good to see that David Davies is speaking on behalf of the Albion. Reading 'Build a Bonfire' he came across as someone who seemed to give a damn about the smaller clubs when he helped broker the deal with Archer, and now this.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 18 2003,18:12

On the official site it is very gung-ho (as it should be of course) with the council supporting the scheme via it's grande fromages

< Official Site >
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Posted by: Lord Bracknell on Feb. 19 2003,02:23



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
I saw the report on the local news. And there was Lord Bracknell - looking interested & hairy as always
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Interested, hairy ... and alert enough to pick up that the coach park hasn't been dropped. Just relocated - away from the original site proposed at Village Way South to a new site at Village Way North (in Lewes District).
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 19 2003,07:41

Thank you M'Lud, not like a journo to get the facts wrong, is it?
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Posted by: Ted Rogers, 3-2-1 on Feb. 19 2003,08:28

There's a very significant factual error in the Argus' report on Tuesday evening.

Baker says, "The adjacent coach park, on land owned by Lewes District Council..." However, this is not correct. The proposed coach park is just in Lewes District, but the land there is owned by Brighton & Hove City Council.

Given Brighton and Hove City Council is enthusiastically supporting the club's vision, but Lewes District Council is not, this is a crucial distinction.

Don't worry, be happy
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Posted by: Storer68 on Feb. 19 2003,12:00



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
There's a very significant factual error in the Argus' report on Tuesday evening.

Baker says, "The adjacent coach park, on land owned by Lewes District Council..." However, this is not correct. The proposed coach park is just in Lewes District, but the land there is owned by Brighton & Hove City Council.

Given Brighton and Hove City Council is enthusiastically supporting the club's vision, but Lewes District Council is not, this is a crucial distinction.

Don't worry, be happy
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Well they'd better send a quality reporter along today like ................oooooooh...... ........ And Naylor
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Posted by: Edinburgh Seagull on Feb. 19 2003,12:07



---------------------QUOTE BEGIN-------------------
I notice that the ******** sent along their chief tree hugging bunny lover, Chris Baker, to cover the opening day.............

Tho its nice to know that even his employers have admitted tha they can't rely on Naylor to report the Albion even remotely fairly now by not sending him.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


I think that's to be expected. Naylor is a sports journo, doing match reoprts and the like, any newspaper would send a news reporter to a council meeting/public enquiry etc. Nothing untoward in that at all.
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Posted by: Simster on Feb. 19 2003,12:11

I thought the opposite. If you go to the main Argus website, there are 3 links to stories on Falmer, including a three day story on why Coppell says it is vital.

I really don't think the Argus is against us on this one, although they have been irritating in the past.
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Posted by: Van der Gully on Feb. 19 2003,12:44

I love the reference and comparison to Barcelona.

There are some other comparisons, they got the ramblas we get the lanes, they have the segrada familia and we have the royal pavillion, they have the Circuit da Catalunya and we have the A27, their city was influenced by the designes of Gaudi ours are just plain gaudy....
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Posted by: Van der Gully on Feb. 19 2003,12:45

...and I was going to add that they have the Costa Dorada and we have Liz Costa, but I thought better of it...
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 27 2003,16:45

On day two our big cheese Martin Perry took the stand...


The future of Brighton and Hove Albion will be put in jeopardy if it is forced to stay at the tiny Withdean Stadium, whatever its league position.

Chief executive Martina Perry (Miss) said the club could not cover its losses unless it moved to its new purpose-built ground.

He told the public inquiry examining the controversial plan, which began yesterday, there was no alternative to building at Falmer and there was no stand-by site.

Miss Perry said the club expected to have spent £2 million pursuing the planning application by the time the hearing ends.

"Quite simply, the football club cannot continue to finance the loss at Withdean while it looks around and tries to find another site and fund another application.

"I believe if the application fails, the future of the club is in jeopardy.

"We do not have a contingency plan. There is no other site. This is it. We are seeking a planning application for Falmer because that is the only option open to us."

Mr Perry, the first witness to give evidence at the Hove Town Hall hearing, said he was confident the club could fund the scheme.

He would not reveal detailed costings because contractors could use the information when tendering to build the planned 22,000-seat stadium.

Mr Perry said the business case had been tested and there would be significant savings by building the stadium in one go, rather than a number of phases as first proposed.

"It is not possible to demonstrate we have sufficient funds until we have a planning permission. It is a chicken and egg situation."

Mr Perry said the club had agreed it would not take possession of the land at Village Way North or start building until it could show the money was in place.

The hearing heard the club is not relying on extra development to cover the costs of building the stadium and that the £48 million "landmark" project would boost the economy of depressed East Brighton, creating 600 jobs during and after construction.

Another 200 jobs would be created indirectly.

Mr Perry said other sports, schools and the club's award winning community programme would benefit from the stadium.

The Village Way North site is inside the Sussex Downs area of outstanding natural beauty (AONB) but outside the boundary of the proposed South Downs national park.

A coach park, on adjacent land owned by Lewes District Council, also being examined at the hearing, is inside the park's boundaries.

Robert White, (whose name rhymes with Shyte) representing the council, the only objecting organisation to speak on the opening day, said the project represented a major extension of Brighton and Hove into the South Downs.

He said planning decisions in AONBs should favour conservation and said the stadium would cause "very great visual harm."

He added: "Any site chosen for a football stadium of this scale is likely to give rise to some planning objections. That is not the point. The critical question is whether the alternative sites would give rise to the same planning objections or similar level of harm. I will ignore the fact that there are no such sites, but frankly don't give a flying **** about the survival of the club provided I can walk across a brown pile of crap in the middle of nowhere whenever I feel like it.

"The evidence suggests there are sites located within and without the urban area which can better meet the need and give rise to less harm. These include the current ground at Withdean, with it's inadequate lighting, parking, seating, training facilities, crap burgers and leeches in the form of Ecovert."

Mr White added that he also believed in the Easter Bunny, cup cakes, crumbly candy bars, mom's apple pie, and that Paul Kitson had a 100% playing record, before sticking two pencils up his nose and demanding to be called Cecilia.

Supporters and objectors will speak during the inquiry, scheduled to run until April 8.

The inspector's report and recommendations will be sent to the Government in the summer. A final decision is not expected until September or October.


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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 27 2003,16:46

Brighton and Hove Albion expect an average gate of 12,500 in their first season at the proposed Falmer stadium.

Chief executive Martin Perry said there was "no reason" to believe attendances would not be significantly higher at the purpose-built ground than at their present Withdean home, which can hold only 6,960 fans.

Charlie Hopkins, representing Falmer and Rottingdean parish councils at the public inquiry into the proposed 22,000-seat stadium, claimed the figure was not realistic.

He said attendance at stadiums built by other clubs had not matched expectations after the first season and many had not been a financial success. He gave the example of Southampton, who average over 30,000 at St Mary's compared to 15,000 at the Dell, and Derby, who average 26,000 at Pride Park, despite having that **** Gregory in charge. Realising he was talking out of his arse, he then changed clothes into a pink chiffon gown, showed the judge a photo of Ghandi and claimed to be a messenger from the planet Pluto
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 27 2003,16:47

Day 3 Continued...

Brighton and Hove Albion chairman Dick Knight used a copy of The Argus to illustrate the scale of support for the club to a public inquiry, before wiping his bottom with it.

The Seagulls supremo held aloft a double-page photo showing huge crowds on the seafront as Albion celebrated the Division Three title two years ago, along with a picture of that bird from the Wonderbra advert who he discovered. "Woof" said Uncle Dick " I am signing her up for the Albion to help stiffen our back four".

The 200,000-strong crowd demonstrated support for the club was far greater than the 7,000 capacity at Withdean, he told the Falmer stadium inquiry at Hove Town Hall yesterday.

Mr Knight said more than 103,601,000 people had signed a petition, believed to be the largest ever in this country in support of a stadium, and 104 million had voted in favour in a referendum.

He said: "Nothing binds a community together like a League football club. The importance of Brighton and Hove Albion to the city and the whole of Sussex was clearly demonstrated during the club's difficult times in the Nineties. The people rose up to save the club.

"The club is a common interest, a shared passion and a topic on conversation, debate or discussion. To many, it is their religion.

"A football league club means so much more to its supporters and to its community than just the performance of the team. It can be a catalyst for local regeneration, stimulate attainments, provide role models and confirm the value of sport in shaping the health and characters of young people."

Mr Knight said the 22,374-seat stadium would be a magnificent venue, boost tourism, increase pride in the city and create more than 600 jobs, though FG and E Block Ernie would be banned, he added to delighted squeals from NSC members in the public gallery.

It would also create opportunities for education, training and community development projects through links with local schools and organisations.

The club would be able to continue developing young players through its Centre of Excellence and expand the award-winning community programme and Seagulls Specials for disabled people.

He added: "It is essential that the football club remains at the heart of its community, but not at Withdean which is totally inadequate for the club and for a city of the 21st Century.

"To take Brighton and Hove Albion out of its local community cannot be justified and would jeopardise the existence of the club."

Mr Roger Rarely, of Woodingdean Ramblers, responded that the new stadium would disrupt the lifestyle of Cedric, a well known badger who lived somewhere near Falmer, and so the stadium should not be built. Mr Knight responded " Give me beavers, not badgers" before nipping off in his Jag with Tracey ****wit (age 19), a former trainee masseuse who was now his personal assistant and part time gobbler
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 27 2003,16:49

On day 4 the transport experts had their say...

Football fans at the proposed Falmer stadium would be made to change their travel habits, Brighton and Hove Albion has pledged.

Supporters would be forced to use alternatives to their cars, using similar tactics employed at Withdean.

About three quarters of fans at Withdean use sustainable methods of transport, the fifth day of the public inquiry into the club's stadium plans heard today.

Transport expert Mark Leigh said it had been a "massive achievement".

He said he was not aware of another football club that had been so successful in altering supporters' habits.

He told the Hove Town Hall hearing less than half of supporters now used their car to reach Withdean on match days.

He said a similar strategy was needed for the proposed 22,000-seat stadium at Village Way North.

Parking controls would be introduced at Falmer village, Moulsecoomb and on roads in the surrounding area. These would be enforced by a team of space monkeys using zappa rays to disintegrate offending vehicles

Drivers would only be able to use match-day car parks on the University of Sussex campus if there were more than three people per car, including in E Block Ernie's case his inflatable wife and children .

Away fans would be encouraged to arrive at the stadium by coach,rail or spacehopper.

Mr Leigh said 3,000 fans could now be transported from Falmer station in less than an hour after games.

But he said 7,000 to 8,000 could be moved quickly by rail if the station's platforms were extended, or Guy Butters went on a diet.

Opponents, who are due to begin cross examining Mr Leigh this afternoon, said the stadium could not be in a worse site for sustainable transportation, especially for badgers, who are not entitled to concessionary fares on the trains, and therefore would continue to use their badgermobiles.

They said the experience of Withdean, near homes and in an urban area, was not comparable, but when quizzed further, could not sustain the argument, showed the chair of the enquiry a pictur of the Pope and claimed diplomatic immunity.

Mr Leigh said the three quarters of supporters using sustainable transport included car drivers using dedicated park and ride sites. Local celebrity model Jordan advised the inquiry that she was willing to be the community bicycle.

The supporters and objectors will speak during the inquiry which the inspector this morning said was likely to overrun into a seventh week, which according to the Falmer objectors, would allow them to teach Harry, a local green spotted toad, how to speak English and explain to the inquiry how his local habitat would be decimated by the stadium.

His report and recommendations will be sent to the Government in the summer. A final decision is not expected until September or October, but in which ****ing year is anyone's guess.

Mr Leigh said Brighton and Hove was densely populated and it would be difficult to control car use at a stadium within the city.

He said public transport was also likely to be overwhelmed after Saturday afternoon games.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 27 2003,16:50

On day 5 the opponents tried to bamboozle the inquiry wtih numbers...

Planners at an inquiry into Brighton and Hove Albion's proposed new stadium heard how there would not be enough land near the ground for fans to park their cars.

Opponents of the controversial scheme at Falmer predicted problems as thousands of fans parked nearby on match days.

They said a Football League survey found 67 per cent of supporters going to matches in England and Wales travelled by car.

Robert White, representing Lewes District Council at the public inquiry into the plans, said about 11,000 car parking spaces would be needed for the proposed 22,000-seat stadium.

He said: "There is not enough land to accommodate that level of car parking at this site." He then had to leave the witness stand, as having squeaked out a silent but deadly, hoping to blame it on Dick Knight, he inadvertently followed through and shat himself.

Albion said its plans to make at least two-thirds of supporters at Falmer use public transport were realistic and could be delivered, using a combination of buses, trains and a helicopter capable of transporting 500 fans at a time. This enormous chopper, known as Rougier, would still be covered by the matchday ticket scheme.

Transport expert Mark Leigh, giving evidence for the club on the fifth day of the Hove Town Hall hearing, said the stadium would not have a detrimental effect on the transport network.

He said transport could not be controlled as well at any of the other sites floated as alternatives to building at Village Way North. He also claimed that if Falmer was built, E Block Ernie would carry out his threat to jump off Beachy Head. The ensuing tidal wave would wipe out half of Sussex, according to a calculation by Mrs Doris Spunknasty, a regular at the Swan pub in Falmer, after she had downed 14 pints of snakebite

There would be match day parking at the University of Sussex campus, Falmer High School and at three park-and-ride sites. There were objections from a local drive in brothel called Bellotti's that claimed that it had copyright on the slogan "Park and Ride"

Mr Leigh said only vehicles carrying more than three fans would be able to use the car parks.

Parking controls would be introduced at Falmer village, Moulsecoomb and on roads nearby. Moulsecoomb residents had indicated their willingness to help the scheme by ensuring that fan's cars would not be where they had originally been parked on returning from a game.

He said extra buses and trains would be laid on and 3,000 people would be able to leave Falmer railway station within an hour of matches ending, rising to 8,000 if trains were provided instead of giant plastic balls that the fans would sit in and pedal back to Brighton station.

Away fans would not be told that Falmer existed, and would encouraged to arrive at Withdean, thus reducing congestion.

Mr Leigh said less than half of fans now arrived at Withdean by car, which he described as a "massive achievement" and a better record than any other football club.

He said about 75 per cent of supporters used sustainable methods of transport to attend matches, a figure which includes drivers using park-and-ride.

He said: "What we are seeking to do is manage that demand for travel from the outset. We have already demonstrated that at Withdean."

Mr White said a Brighton and Hove City Council survey found only 55 per cent of fans going to Withdean used sustainable methods of transport. Mr White then admitted that opposition groups had tried to scupper the Albion plans for Falmer by burning the 20,000 pages of supporting documentation. A relieved Martin Perry however revealed that a back up copy had been tatooed on Tony Rougier's dong, and that their plans had been thwarted.

He said car use would be encouraged at Falmer because the stadium was isolated and there was no direct bus link to large parts of Brighton and Hove, or direct trains from Mid Sussex.

He said: "Withdean as a stadium is a much smaller stadium than Falmer, with a capacity for 7,000. I demand that I be paid £200 an hour for stating the bleedin' obvious

"Withdean is also located within the conurbation of Brighton, rather than the edge of Brighton."

Planning inspector John Collyer said yesterday the inquiry was likely to overrun into a seventh week.

His report and recommendations will be sent to the Government in the summer.

A final decision is not expected until September or October.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Feb. 27 2003,16:57

And then on to day 6, where our transport expert was quizzed by the opposition...

Falmer is the only realistic location for Brighton and Hove Albion's new stadium, a transport consultant has said.

Mark Leigh ruled out Shoreham Harbour and Sheepcote Valley as possible sites, saying both were too isolated from the public transport network to reduce car use.

Other suggested sites, such as the Hove Greyhound Stadium, Toad's Hole Valley, and Jordan's clevage were equally unsuitable.

Giving evidence on the sixth day of the public inquiry into the stadium plans, he said Falmer had "locational advantages and was most bodacious" over the proposed alternatives.

Roger Curtis, representing the Society of Sussex Downsmen, a nude pressure group created by a gaggle of recently made redundant postmen, argued the club could build the proposed 22,000-seat stadium in Iraq, as there were better parking facilities for 12,000 cars, 8,000 tanks and a few aircraft carriers.

But Mr Leigh said: "Falmer is a better site than Iraq, which is not a site where we could put in a sustainable transport strategy."

He said any site in the urban area would create transport problems.

The club hopes more than half the fans visiting the proposed Village Way North stadium would use pubic transport rather than cars. When quizzed on the phrase 'pubic transport' he showed the inquiry chairman a copy of 'Shaven Honeys' magazine, in which an Albion fan, Miss Liz Costa, had sculptured a picture of the proposed stadium from her discarded nasal hair, and a few more from her flange.

Richard Allden, representing the Council for the Protection of Rural England, said people living in Falmer village, Woodingdean, Rottingdean and Ovingdean were concerned about the amount of traffic that would be generated by the stadium. He also claimed that the stadium was part of a secret plot by the Japanese government to seek revenge over the defeat in World War II. " The Albion's chairman, Dick Knight, has the same initials, DK, as the well known computer games character Donkey Kong, who was created by the Japanese company Nintendo" he thundered " From here, it's only a small step to all the children in Woodingdean being forced to wear kimono's and eat microwaved sushi and chips". At this point Dick Knight kept him in conversation long enough for the inquiry officials to phone for an ambulance.

Mr Leigh said nobody would be disadvantaged by the development.

Car use could be controlled and a majority of fans would be encouraged to walk, cycle or use buses and trains to reach the stadium. Fans would also be taught how to dance the conga, and create a huge 3,000 long human snake after all matches.

Only vehicles carrying three or more people would be able to use dedicated car parks near the stadium or match-day park-and-ride sites. This created objections from Albion fans FG and Dwayne, on the grounds that they had no friends and so no one would travel with them.

Objector Hazel McKay told the Hove Town Hall hearing the club's sustainable transport objectives could not be achieved.

She said: "This proposal does not make a contribution to sustainability in terms of reducing emissions and reducing the use of non-renewable resources." The only solution was the development of a transporter similar to that used in Star Trek, she claimed. When it was pointed out that Star Trek was a fictional program, she immediately whisked out a picture of her with her Romulan boyfriend as evidence that the program was real. Upon closer inspection it turned out that the picture was of Luke Chadwick, who had been claiming to be Romulan in order to have a greater chance with the ladeez.

Mr Leigh said there would be a "great increase in traffic inconvenience" at any of the alternative sites, especially those closer to the city centre.

Mr Leigh spent more than a day giving evidence on the club's transport plans.

He said the rail and bus network could cater for the number of fans expected to use the stadium. The club had been successful in reducing car use at Withdean and the same tactics could be employed at Falmer.

Opponents said Falmer was the worst location for a stadium and the club was being too optimistic about cutting car use.

The inquiry is expected to last until April.

Planning inspector John Collyer will send his report and recommendations to the Government in the summer.

A final decision is expected in September or October.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Mar. 01 2003,11:03

The increasingly desperate opponents started getting more and more weird...

Brighton and Hove Albion has no independent evidence to back up claims Falmer is the only safe site for a 22,000 seat stadium, say opponents.

Campaigners against the plan told a public inquiry into the scheme Falmer would need similar work to all the other suggested sites to make it safe for large football crowds.

The club's safety expert, former Metropolitan Police chief superintendent Richard Hebberd, who following a recent sex change operation insisted on being referred to as Mrs. Enid Smegma, told the hearing yesterday Falmer was the safest site.

Mr Hebberd, in charge of policing more than 300 big games in the capital, as well as a number of Orient's park kickabouts, said he had major concerns about redeveloping Withdean into a 120,000 all seater auditorium, as has been suggested by the opposition group The Falmer Triogolos, an all nude unicycle circus act from Estonia, who were seeking asylum in the UK, and were unable to speak any English apart from the phrases "My hovercraft is full of eels" and " Do you want to come back to my place, big boy".

Significant infrastructure work would be needed at other sites, such as Waterhall or Shoreham Beach, especially when the tide comes in.

But Robert White, representing Lewes District Council, said: "There is no independent evidence from the police or any other public safety body."

Superintendent Peter Coll, of Brighton and Hove Police, said there were concerns about policing crowds at Falmer, such as how the police were going to fiddle their manning and overtime claims, such as trying to claim that 14,000 police would be required for a mid week home game against Wimbledon. "We are working on it" he replied, before shooting two members of the public gallery with an Uzi 9mm for "looking at him in a funny way".

He said the concerns had not been sufficient to trigger a formal police objection to building the stadium at Village Way North, provided he could have Bobby Zamora's autograph and Tony Rougiers jockstrap to use as a hammock in his back garden.

Mr Hebberd said the club could not make fans stagger the times they left after matches, a tactic that would be needed at a 22,000-seat stadium at any urban site in Brighton and Hove. An exception was made for the case of celebrity fan FG, whose paper round on a Saturday started at 4.30 pm so he always had to leave early.

Charlie Hopkins, representing Falmer and Rottingdean parish councils, disputed the claim, saying Arsenal had agreed to hold back 15,000 fans after games at its proposed 60,000-seat north London stadium while crowds dispersed. When it was pointed out that 45,000 fans would be leaving Arsenal's new ground at the final whistle, which was twice the capacity of Falmer, Mr Hopkins whipped out a mandolin and sang two verses of "I am the Walrus" by the Beatles, for reasons unknown.

Objectors told the seventh day of the Hove Town Hall hearing the Falmer area could be overrun by traffic on match days or when events such as pop concerts were taking place. Plans to control parking would hinder local people from their normal activities of car-jacking and interfering with sheep.

Some 120 stewards would be used to patrol the area around the stadium when large events were taking place, double the number used at Withdean. The stewards would be instantly recognisable as they would be wearing uniforms identical to those of the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show.

Stewards would prevent vehicles from using some parking areas but could not stop or direct traffic on public highway.

Albion Chairman Dick Knight was slightly late to the hearing having damaged his ankle in a bizarre accident involving his personal assistant ( Miss Tracy ****wit, aged 19), two gallons of industrial strength custard, and a bicycle pump. " I am fine" quipped the Seagulls supremo " The only swollen foot we worry about at the Albion belongs to Tony Rougier" (Boom-Boom)

Planning inspector John Collyer will send his report,recommendations and an order for a pepperoni pizza with coleslaw to the Government in the summer.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Mar. 08 2003,09:38

The desperation of the opponents campaign was revealed the next day when the NIMBY's complained about the light from the stadium....

The impact of floodlighting on people living near Brighton and Hove Albion's proposed 22,000-seater stadium would be minimal, according to an expert unemployed dairyman from Lymeswold in Somerset.

Ken Wade, of consultants WSP Environmental, and author of the book "Around the world in 80 cheeses", was giving evidence on day nine of the public inquiry into Brighton and Hove Albion's plans to move to Falmer.

Mr Wade took light measurements around the earmarked site in Village Way and said the area already suffered from a degree of light pollution because of the railway, the A27 and Brighton University campus. He also pointed out that the sun caused light pollution, and the local residents immediately launched a campaign to have it dismantled by a herd of South American Inca sun worshipping tribesmen.

He said: "It could hardly be described as a rural area because of its character. There are floodlit tennis courts to the western boundary with approximately 100 floodlights, which I observed in operation until approximately 9pm.

"They did not have shields. These provide significant glow when viewed from Village Way and contribute light-spill to the proposed site."

Mrs. Veronica Terribly-Awfully, representing CLIT (Conservative Ladies Into Tennis), said that tennis was a 'delightful' pastime and did not involve any working class football oiks, who clearly did not wash, and were not likely to be attending Henley this year. As a consequence tennis should be given a special dispensation. She was supported in this by her husband and brother, who happened to be the same person.

"It is evident the proposed site is currently subjected to a variety of light sources from the north, south and west contributing to a semi-urban landscape. There were regular lighting problems already in the area when local publicity shy slapper Jordan decided to tan her funbags, and the reflection from the golden globes had caused temporary blindness to a school of local field mice.

"It would not be lit with architectural lighting, which sometimes happens in cities to create a landmark. It would be lit purely for the purpose of the matches or what takes place in the stadium, such as underwater tiddlywinks, or an interpretation of Riverdance by Julian Clarey and a team of 34 choirboys"

Mr Wade said the stadium would only produce one tenth of the permitted light pollution for an area adjacent to a National Park or area of outstanding natural beauty, such as Whitehawk.

He added his calculations did not even take into account proposed shielding of the stadium by trees and Tony Rougier's schlong, which would minimise the impact further.

The inquiry was then interrupted by the eldest male offspring of the Albions' captain during the 1996/7 season, who gave back to Dick Knight a waterproof coat he had borrowed. After Mark Morris' sons return of the Mac, the inquiry resumed.

Mr Wade, who was called to give evidence by the club, said he also looked at other sites around the city which were put forward as potential homes for the Albion. He said he believed Falmer was the best option for minimising light pollution on the environment, residential areas and historic buildings.

At this point the Albion promoted their caring side, with involved Jordan, blindfold, fellating the entire first team whilst they read copies of 'Roy of the Rovers'. " It's our version of Comic Relief" said Steve Coppell "Jordan has to guess the players she is gobbling, and for each one she gets right, I give 50p to charity".

Jordan managed to guess the whole of the first team against Gillingham, and only made one mistake with the substitutes. "I can't believe it's not Butter's" was her only comment on her error, whilst schlurping her jism milkshake through a blue and white straw.

Planning inspector John Collyer will send his recommendations to the Government in the summer and a decision is expected in the autumn.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Mar. 08 2003,09:40

A community football stadium would create hundreds of jobs, provide cycling opportunities for porpoises, and help regenerate a deprived area, the Falmer inquiry heard today.

Planner Peter Rainier said the proposed 22,000-seater home for Brighton and Hove Albion would provide sporting, health and educational benefits for the city.

He said it would create 600 full-time jobs, most of them to car thieves, benefit the "severely depraved" area of Moulsecoomb and inject £24.73 each year into the local economy.

Mr Rainier said Brighton and Hove was the most important regional and cultural centre in the South-East outside London, with the city regularly holding intrenationally famous events such as bear baiting festivals and Godzilla woshipping weekends. It was surprising there was no stadium already, although we do have a very nice branch of Boots in Western Road which helps to compensate.

He said: "The club has always been well supported, though not as well supported as Jordan's zoomers, and has the potential to draw large crowds, particularly as there are no other league football clubs within a 40-mile ( or 743 Plutonian thargs for any aliens reading this thread) radius."

He said the club's Withdean home had only ever been considered a temporary solution and there were drawbacks to other proposed sites such as Shoreham harbour, which would require huge areas of car parking to be set aside, and would neccesitate the team to play 40 feet underwater in diving gear when the tide was in.

However, under questioning from Robert White, representing objectors Lewes District Council, who clearly enjoy wasting taxpayers money, Mr Rainier admitted the planned location of a bus interchange near the stadium fell into the area outlined for a South Downs National Park. Upon actually making a semi-valid point for the first time in the inquiry Mr White shouted " Who's your daddy, Boy" in a New York Bronx accent, high fived the inquiry recorder, and then soiled his pants in the excitement. He asked to be excused homework and P.E. the following day, upon production of a note from his mother.
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Posted by: El Presidente on Mar. 08 2003,10:01

Then came the appearance of our Des, along with a press posse of 200 cameras

Sports personality Des Lynham has added his voice to the campaign for a new stadium for Brighton and Hove Albion.

Giving evidence at a public inquiry into controversial proposals to build the Seagulls a new home in Falmer, TV's Mr Smooth spoke passionately about the club saying it is his first love, apart from Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream, and sex with under-age koala bears."

He told inspectors that without a new ground the Albion could be squeezed out of existence, adding: "That would be a tragedy, though not as much as a tragedy as Kylie turning down my offer to tickle her flange with my moustache."

Des, who fronts ITV1's flagship football show 'The Premiershit' said he had been a loyal supporter of the team since before he was born.

He said: "I have been a supporter of the club for just about half of its existence.

"It's responsible for my love of football and indirectly my career as a sports broadcaster.

"I've been to seven Olympic Games, six World Cups, five gold rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree, but Dicky Tiltman's debut for Brighton and Hove Albion has remained my first love in sport and I am far from unique in that respect."

Mr Lynham, who began his broadcasting career on Radio Brighton in 1968 and still lives in Sussex, is the latest of many witnesses who have given evidence to the panel in support of the application to planning inspector John Collyer.

Immaculately dressed in a pale shirt, blue tie, blazer and trousers he arrived at 10.55am and parked his silver solar powered spacehopper opposite Hove Town Hall.

After a short tussle with he intricacies of a parking meter, which he took roughly from behind, he spoke briefly to the waiting press outside before being greeted by Albion chief executive, Martin Perry. " Who the **** are you" he said to the Seagulls grande fromage, before drop kicking him into Hove Park Rec " Serves him right for asking for my autograph" said the twinkly eyed TV superstud, with a look that moistened a dozen gussets amongst female members of the public galllery and caused the Albion's barrister to cream his jeans.

He sat down next to Mr Perry as fellow witness, ecologist Andrew Arnott, finished giving his speech.

Mr Arnott told the inquiry that the construction of a 22,000 all-seater stadium to replace the team's temporary home at Withdean would not have a major impact on the populations of badgers and bats, though if people wanted a quick hump in the centre circle after a game then it might be necessary to provide food for beavers.

Then it was the presenter's turn to address the hearing.

He asked that all cameras be switched off while he gave his evidence but said he would be available to talk to the assembled press afterwards.

As Mr Lynham began speaking he was told to turn on his microphone and joked: "I normally have people to do that for me."

Reading a ten-minute statement to the panel of inspectors he said he had met fans of the Seagulls from as far afield as Canada, New Zealand and China. "As soon as I mention Brighton & Hove Albion they all say Oh Brighton, thats where Bobby Charlton used to play"

He added: "Elsewhere in England many clubs have seen the need for modern stadia and modern facilities. The tradition and history remains but the supporters are treated with more comfort than their 19th Century predecessors, though personally I believe you can't beat a steaming dump on the terraces after six pints and a kebab before the game.

"It would be a tragedy if the club's life came to an end. As most people know, that has come close to reality on at least two occasions when the club was both homeless and perilously close to league extinction, when Guy Butters ran amok after the club tuck shop ran out of Monster Munch."

Afterwards Mr Lynham told reporters: "I underlined how important it is for a city of the standing of Brighton and Hove to have a proper stadium.

"It is ludicrous that a club with a history going back 100 years can survive in a converted athletic stadium. The only way that we can get 20,000+ plus fans into Withdean is if we use the ray gun that I bought from the film 'Honey I shrank the kids' and reduced all the fans to about four inches high. This might cause problems with the park and ride after the games, as well as many fans being eaten by cats.

"The club has looked at other sites and Falmer is the only viable one. There are times when a city has to think not only of the present but also of the future."

And after that he was gone, pausing only to demand his appearance fee of £20,000 in used notes from Martin Perry, who had 'borrowed' the money from the 40 note fund
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Posted by: El Presidente on Mar. 10 2003,17:45

David Davies continued to be a true friend of the Albion with a sterling preformance in the witness stand...

England boss, and nude tiddlywink champion Sven Goran Eriksson is fully behind Albion's new stadium plans, the Falmer inquiry has been told.

David Davies, chief executive of the Football Association, told how the Sexy svelte Swede stud seriously sometimes studied plans for the new ground, which could be used to host the national side of Botswana, a small republic in Africa

The inquiry heard a 22,000 all-seater stadium would put Brighton on the international line dancing map and help the Albion push for Premier League and European football, but only in games of Championship Manager 4.

Mr Davies told the inquiry: "What appears to be available is a rebirth of football, cup cakes and crumbly candy bars in this area - of benefit to the whole area.

"I have seen the plans for the stadium, which are spectacular. If this stadium goes ahead I see a situation in which not just domestic games but international games at a senior level, certainly under-21, will come to this area.

"I know Sven Goran Eriksson has seen the plans for the stadium and is very excited, but not as excited as when Ulrika put on the Mo Mowlam mask and a brownies outfit before asking him to show her his woggle- and also David Platt, our under-21 HGV coach driver, who has a head that is disproportianately bigger than his body.

"I can't help on location but I can on potential. We think the case for this new stadium is overwhelming."

The inquiry was once again interupted by the eldest boy of the man who lead the Albion out for their final match at the Goldstone, who gave Martin Perry his Apple computer back. After Mark Morris' sons return of the Mac, the trial continued

Mr Davies said earlier: "I would think it immensely difficult to believe after this tortuous period that every other possible option has not been explored, although why not build an underground stadium in Churchill Square, which could be fertilised with bat droppings from the bats that don't live in Falmer.

"I have seen that there are far more people who want to go to matches than are able to get in.

"The club's financial position would be significantly better if they were able to have a larger capacity, and by that I don't mean Guy Butters shorts.

At this point the inquiry members were shown a video of a routine operation which went horribly wrong after Tony Rougier's penis was somehow grafted onto Kerry Mayo, and the Albion number 3 then went mad and tried to climb the Empire State building in New York. The film, called "Ging Dong" will be released this Friday at all good cinemas (certificate PG)

"Clubs aspire to the very top. It is not inconceivable for this club with its catchments to aim for the top, to see European football and international football in this part of the world." Mr Davies then started foaming at the mouth, and covered his head with aluminium foil to stop the evil bunnies from readeing his mind. His mum later revealed that he had eaten all the blue Smarties from a tube at once, and sometimes suffered from similar delusions, once even believing the far fetched tale that Danny Mills was an international right back

Under cross-examination, Mr Davies conceded that only two league clubs in the past 30 years had gone out of business for financial reasons, but pointed out that none of them had been forced to touch their toes and been shafted by their former chairman and Blackburn Rovers executive box holder, Mr William Archer.

Among Mr Davies's audience were club chairman Dick Knight, Hove MP Ivor Caplin, Papa Smurf from the popular childrens cartoon series and three former members of the group Darts
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end


Falmer from the Argus
Road improvements at Brighton and Hove Albion's proposed new stadium at Falmer are similar to those first proposed, the public inquiry was told.

Traffic expert Mark Leigh said dualling part of Village Way and adding a roundabout to its junction with the B2123 would hardly alter the project, apart from a 60 foot inflatable model of David Bellotti touching his toes for Bill Archer in a scene originally derived from the film 'Deliverance'. This was one of the conditions laid down by Brighton University following extended negotiations with the Albion. The winning design came from an Industrial Needlework and Media Studies undergraduate, Miss Sharon Djemba-Djemba, who is a first year student following her two grade F 'A' levels and Cylcling Proficiency badge she achieved at 6th form college.

Club witness Mr Leigh said the mini-roundabout would benefit the stadium project, as well as frightening birds who ate local farmers crops, and the University of Brighton was content with the new road proposals.

Robert White, representing Lewes District Council, one of the chief objectors, said the club had earlier insisted road works of the type now proposed were not needed. He stated that speed bumps were necessary to reduce the danger of football fans accelerating away from the stadium through Lewes. Fortunately local celebrity slapper Jordan said that she was normally in a horizontal position on most days, and would be prepared to lie down on the A27 both before and after matches providing her own version of speed bumps.

He said the council did not accept the improvements were minor work and they had only been put forward to ensure the university's support. When asked what he would consider as a 'minor' adjustment, he showed the inspector a note from his mum excusing him from being asked awkward questions, and would it be ok if he were excused from PE lessons as the other witnesses as the Enquiry pointed at his knobbly knees in the changing rooms.

Mr White was then cross-examined by the Albions new barrister, Roy Keane, the former Irish football captain. " You're a shite councillor, and before that you were a shite postman, take that you "

Keane then drop kicked White in the testicles and chopped his head off with a chainsaw. Unfortunately the only witness still awake at this part of the proceedings, a Mr A Ferguson of Trafford, said that he did not see anything as he was busy adjusting his stopwatch at the time.

The road proposals are also opposed by organisations such as Falmer Parish Council, the Sussex Downs Conservation Board and Al-Qaieda, the international terrorist organisation on the grounds that Falmer already looked as if it had been hit by a bomb so it would save them work in future years.

Planning inspector John Collyer expects to send his report to Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott before the end of the year. Prezza has now worked his way up to the letter 'G' in his intensive reading lessons with Big Bird from Sesame Street, and had asked for the stadium to be referred to as the "Fagged Cad" when reading the report to make things easier.





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